Back – But Not 100%

Despite the few blogs I had scheduled to be published, I really only got to jump on here to blog a couple times over the past few weeks because of Covid. So I figured I would fill you in on what’s been happening …

Daddy Daughter Pirate Adventure

Prior to my Covid diagnosis, I was planning on taking Ella to a Daddy/Daughter Pirate adventure. I took the Tuesday off and worked Monday night instead. The Sunday before, I didn’t really feel great. I felt like I was getting a cold. Ella was diagnosed that Friday with a double ear infection. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to go because she was sick.

Monday I felt a bit worse and took a home Covid test. It was negative and I went to work. While at work, I just felt stuffed up. I was coughing a bit, and just achy. I went home and slept. When I woke up, I was still hoping to get to go to the Pirate adventure, however, I just felt like crap. My wife talked me into going to Urgent Care, where they swabbed me and gave me the Covid and Flu diagnosis.

It rained Monday and they called Tuesday to tell me that they had moved the pirate adventure to the next day. It didn’t matter, I wasn’t going to be able to go.

Mother’s Day

I’m glad that I planned ahead this year. So often, I wait until a couple days before to go out and get cards and presents. This year, I ordered Sam something online and had hoped to get her a few other things, but thanks to Covid, I was only able to give her the gift I ordered.

I saw this Facebook and thought it was perfect. It was a framed sign, printed on burlap that said, “My greatest blessings call me Mommy.” Under that I was able to put the kids names and birthdays. It came out better than I thought.

Because we both were in quarantine, we had to place our grocery order online and have it delivered. Because I couldn’t get her a cake, Sam ordered one and we had it after dinner. We were able to spend a little bit of time outside in the sun, hoping the extra vitamin D would help with the Covid.

Mother’s Day 2022

The Kids

Thank goodness the sun has been out a lot this week. The kids have been loving being outside on the swings, playing in the yard or taking brief walks around the neighborhood.

Nana stopped by with some clothes she got for the kids on day and found Ella some “Princess Dresses.” She puts one on and then takes it off so she can put the other one on. I’m not sure what she was doing when I snapped this picture, but I love it. I can’t wait to be able to dress up for a daddy daughter dance!

Earlier this week, Ella was outside with Sam and heard a bird. She told Sam it was a “Nutpecker!” Sam did a double take and asked her again what kind of bird it was. Again, the answer came back, “Nutpecker!” I’ll just add that to the list of wonderfully funny things my daughter says. Nutpecker = Woodpecker.

Andrew turned 7 months old this week. He’s been crawling all over the place and is doing everything he can to stand up. He will pull himself up with the help of couch cushions, toys, pillows, you name it. He is able to stand for 30 seconds at a time, but then usually falls. It drives us crazy. Case in point:

Ella got a Doc McStuffins doctor kit. It comes with the typical doctor toys – stethoscope, otoscope, fake shot, thermometer, bandage and bag. Take a look at the shot, which is the second from the right in the picture below.

See how it is flat? Ok, good. Andrew was standing up next to me on the floor. I was sitting and he had pulled himself up and was standing. He quickly turned and fell and faceplanted right on the corner of that shot. Almost immediately, under his eye (at the top of his cheek bone) began to bruise. Then it began to swell. There was a huge bump under it. At first I thought he broke his cheek.

With 30 minutes before the Urgent Care closed, Sam ran him up to get checked out. He had a hematoma under his eye. Basically, it was bleeding under the skin. So he got his first shiner.

We were told to call his doc and follow up. The doc stated that she didn’t need to see him, but we should have him looked at by an eye doctor to be sure nothing was wrong on the inside of the eye. So he also had his first visit to the eye doc this week.

The good news is that the eye looks great and he will be fine.

He followed up with the Orthotics folks today about his helmet and they said he is progressing so well that he probably will be able to get the helmet off in a couple weeks. This is fantastic news, since we were planning on him having it on through July.

My Crazy Co-Workers

I was cleared to return to work today. The afternoon tech was off, so when I walked in I was the only one in the building. When I walked into the tech room, I was greeted with a masterpiece created by my co-workers.

They basically went through my Facebook page and found every ridiculous picture of me and created a “Covid Keith” board. It certainly made me laugh. I also realize that I make a lot of silly faces. There is a story behind the Alfalfa picture that I will share another time.

I suppose things are sort of getting back to normal-ish.

Covid Update

Hello readers. I wanted to check in. I am still recovering from Covid and the flu. I’m not going to lie, it’s been an experience.

At work, we screen folks for Covid everyday. One of the things we ask is, “Do you have any flu-like symptoms?”. I tell you that because the one thing I’m having trouble figuring out is whether or not I am having issues with the flu or Covid.

I certainly have the flu stuff – cough, congestion, runny nose, and exhaustion. No vomiting, thank goodness. The other stuff has to be Covid – aches in the shoulder, worst headache ever, weird shooting pains up and down my legs, especially when I am trying to sleep, and of course, shortness of breath.

Thankfully, I have not had a fever since being diagnosed. One of the things I’ve had to do is track symptoms, so I’ve been checking it regularly.

My wife has had it a bit easier than me, although today she seems to be feeling worse than she has since this whole thing started. It’s weird. There are times you feel ok, then times you feel like a truck hit you.

She is off until at least the 15th, while I need to call one way or the other on the 13th to be cleared to go back. Technically, if I am symptom free (which I am not), I can go two days before then to get another test to see about going back. This seems to be hanging on, however.

When all this started, if someone contracted Covid, they stayed home AND got paid to do so. The hard part for us is that we made it over two years before we got it. Now we are home and we won’t be getting paid for our time off (which is far from a vacation).

We’ve tried to get outside and at least breathe some fresh air. The weather was nice over the weekend and it was nice to just relax on the porch. Ella was glad to get outside, too.

Thanks to all who have checked on us. We’re slowly getting better. Will write more soon – right now I’m off to check temperature and my pulse oximeter levels.

It Finally Got Me

I guess it had to happen. I wasn’t feeling good when I woke up on Tuesday, Thinking that it was a cold or maybe the flu, I decided to go to Urgent Care.

Over achiever that I am I not only was positive for the flu, but positive for Covid!

So I am doing everything I can now to avoid the kids and Sam. Sam originally tested positive with the home test, but when they did a rapid test on her at her employee health department, it came back negative. I hope that is the case. We’re waiting for her results.

For now, it is just me in our room – feeling like crap!

The Shenanigans Are Over

For the first time in 2 years, the Chicago River was dyed green yesterday.

The St. Patrick’s Day tradition had been put on hiatus because of the Covid-19 Pandemic. The dye will stay in the water for about 48 hours and then it will change back to normal.

I posted my usual stupid St. Patrick’s Day Puns on social Media:

I also posted my yearly reminder that while “every one is Irish” on March 17th, St. Patrick wasn’t!

As I scrolled Facebook yesterday, it was full of plenty of people decked out in their best green outfits. Many people indulged on green beer, corned beef and cabbage, potatoes, and Irish stews in bars and restaurants beginning early in the morning.

I scrolled upon a post by a pastor friend of mine, and I felt that it was certainly worth sharing:

“Saint Patrick was a passionate evangelist who believed in the potential of young people to change the world. Instead of drinking green beer in his honor why not share the gospel with a young person today? He’d be way happier with that “

I think he would! I found a great quote from St. Patrick:

I didn’t partake in any green spirits yesterday. I didn’t even wear any green!

They always talk about the “Luck of the Irish.” Well, I am not Irish, but I consider myself one lucky man. I am married to the most beautiful woman on the planet and we will celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary on Saturday.

4 years ago …

I have been blessed with four amazing kids. My two oldest boys from my previous marriage and my daughter and baby boy with my wife. Who says you have to be Irish to be lucky?

Ella and AJ 2022
Dante’ and Dimitri – 2015

Yes, I am one lucky Italian!

Oh, yeah, I guess I did partake in some St. Patrick’s Day shenanigans at work …

We do sleep studies on a lot of pediatric patients. This week, one kid drew pictures for us and we put them up on the board in the tech room. Another kid made a thank you card for us. I grabbed a piece of paper and some crayons and I drew a picture of one of my coworkers and said, “You had a kid in the room I was in last night, right?” I told her I “found” a picture that her patient must have drawn of her and that it looked just like her!

I’m sorry, every time I look at this, the lips make me think of the Joker from Batman!

I understand this is probably only funny to me … so I apologize. I hope you had a nice St. Patrick’s Day ….

Another Weekend Recap

Some sort of bug hit our place last week. Poor Ella woke up with a very deep cough. Friday was the worst of it. She had the cough, a runny nose, and puffy eyes. Thankfully, she did not have a fever. After a visit to the doc, she said she had the croup. She was very snuggly over the weekend.

Sam and I weren’t really feeling great either. Sam got it worse than me. I’ve seen her sick before, but I could tell she was really feeling terrible. She had the cough and runny nose, again, no fever. I just had a cough. I’m glad that the baby didn’t seem to get any symptoms outside an occasional cough.

We laid low over the weekend. I was going to meet my son for lunch on Saturday, but when I started coughing, I thought it best to not expose him to anything. I guess I still freak out a bit about being sick, because it seems like every symptom is connected with Covid. Better safe than sorry.

Monday, I had a follow up appointment with my doctor for my blood pressure. It was up when I went in for my physical and she wanted to check me again before making any changes to meds. I took the baby with me and Ella stayed home since she still had her cough.

When they called me back, I walked with the diaper bag, the baby, and my coat. They walked me to the scale and got my weight and then walked me to the exam room. Once I was there I set the baby down, set the diaper bag down and when I turned around, the nurse wanted to take my blood pressure. I was literally out of breath and hadn’t even sat down yet.

160/95! Well, what did you think it was gonna be?! I told her to wait a few minutes and take it again! She put the pulse oximeter on my finger and my heart rate was 118. So she went through my med list with me (which took 3 minutes) and she took my blood pressure again. It was lower, but it was still high. My heart rate had come down to 98. I finally told her that I’d have the doctor check it when she came in. “Good idea,” she replied! LOL!!

When I had my surgery a couple weeks ago, they had the blood pressure cuff on me prior to and after surgery. It takes your vitals every 20 minutes or so. Every time it took my BP, I looked at the machine. The numbers were all within normal values. So I was pretty happy to see that. Now, here I am at the doc for a BP follow up and it’s skewed!

The doc came in and had the med student take it again and it was 130/85. I’m guessing it would have been lower if I hadn’t been freaking out at what the doc would say about those early readings!

The best part of the visit – I had some weight loss. The doc was pleased with that. She wants to see me again in 3 months and wants me down at least 10-15 pounds. I should be able to do that!

Highlight of the Past 24 Hours

Last night, when I was getting the kids ready for bed, I started our normal bed time routine. We usually read books and then I put Ella to bed. Andrew fell asleep right away in my arms, so I placed him in his bed and went back up on our bed with Ella to keep reading. Once we finished all the books, I told her it was time for bed.

Usually, she will grab her blanket and I take her to her bed, say prayers, kiss her goodnight and she is off to sleep. Last night, after I told her it was bed time, she looked at me and said, “Snuggle, daddy.” So I turned out the light and laid next to her. She snuggled right up to me. She looked up at me and said, “What’s the matter, daddy?” I’m not sure how she knew, but she did. I was just mentally and physically exhausted.

I told her, “Nothing, baby. I love you.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I lost it. I had to hide my tears. That meant so much to me. She then said, “I stay here, daddy.” She snuggled closer and we hugged for awhile. When she was ready, she said it was “time for sleep” and I picked her up, hugged her extra tight, kissed her and went to bed.

That little girl has no idea just how special she is! I hope when she is old enough to read this, she will know that this is just one of the many times that she has melted her daddy’s heart. I am so lucky to be her daddy.

“Snuggle, daddy!”

A Two-riffic Birthday!

Yesterday, I blogged about it being Ella’s last night as a one year old. Today (2-10) she officially turned two! On one of the Facebook “dad” groups I am a part of, someone posted that “Time is a thief.” That is so true. I am still scratching my head and wondering how she could be two already!

On my way home from work, I stopped off and picked up her birthday cake. It came out perfect. I thought it was neat, because they hadn’t written the message on it in frosting. It was actually printed next to the Minnie Mouse design.

The store also had balloons, so I made sure to get a HUGE number “2” balloon to mark the occasion. I helped Sam hang the banner before work last night, and she did the rest of the decorations before bed last night.

She put up streamers and blew up balloons. She then set up Ella’s gift. I guess it is called a “nugget.” It folds, stacks, and such. I can totally see her and I having some fun with this thing.

When I got home, she was still asleep. I was surprised, because she is usually up when I walk through the door. It made the day even more special to be able to sing Happy Birthday to her when Sam brought her out to the living room. She was probably not really ready to be up, so when she came out she wasn’t quite sure what to make of everything. It didn’t take long and she was playing around with the balloons and her “nugget.”

Nickelodeon has a “Birthday Club” where you can schedule calls to your kids from their favorite characters. I had a call scheduled for her from the Bubble Guppies. She smiled when they said her name and wished her Happy Birthday. It was a pretty cute bonus to the morning.

I whipped up some birthday scrambled eggs for her with some cheese on top with a side of blueberries. As she enjoyed her breakfast, I headed to bed because I knew I would be up in a short while.

Ella had a doctor check up this morning and afterward, Sam took her to the Peppa Pig World at the mall. I slept from about 9:30a to noon and got up to head out and meet them there (about a 50 minute drive). She was excited to see me when I got there and she was running from one thing to the next playing!

Because of Covid, Sam and I have been very careful and really haven’t taken her out much. When I walked in, the place was loaded with moms and their “piggies” who were all over the place! My anxiety was through the roof. We must have been hitting the hand sanitizing stations every time we saw one.

She had a blast! We didn’t stay too long, and when we left, we hit the gift shop. Boy, are THEY raking in the money! We saw this Peppa Pig car that we have seen before at Walmart. That was the toy that she picked out. We plopped it on the checkout and it was like $35!! At Walmart, it was like $22. What a markup!!

There is a Build a Bear in the mall and we went to get her Birthday Bear. We did this last year, too. Personally, I like this year’s bear better. It seemed much softer than the one from last year. It is such a cool thing for kids. You pay the price of your birthday. She is 2 – the bear was $2. By the time we got done, the fact that it was naptime was apparent. She was getting cranky.

Sam stopped at Carter’s (which was right by the Build a Bear) to see about an outfit for her birthday pictures this weekend. Sam found an outfit for pictures and some St. Patty’s outfits for them. Surprisingly, she was unable to find a good Valentine’s Day outfit for them (which is probably a good thing and saved us like $60!).

One of my favorite pics of the day – the two most important ladies in my life!

Andrew was at Nana and Papa’s so Ella could go to the doctor. When we left, I drove back home to try to sleep a bit more. Sam and Ella left to go get AJ. Ella fell asleep on the way, so Sam (as most parents would do) drove around awhile in hopes of getting her some sort of nap. I finally got into bed about 3:15-3:30.

Ella got to pick what she wanted for dinner. She loves tacos from one of our favorite Mexican places. Sam picked it up on the way home and woke me about 5pm so we could eat and have cake.

This look! LOL!

After dinner, I grabbed the “2” candle, put it on the cake and brought it out so we could sing Happy Birthday. What was the first thing she did? She starts to grab the flame of the candle! Sam did the best she could to keep her still as we sang to her and then she blew out the candle.

I had a Microsoft Teams meeting I had to call into on my way to work. Normally, I would be there in person, but because I wanted time with Ella, I decided to leave later and just call in on my drive in. By the time the meeting was over, I texted Sam to see if the kids were still awake. (I usually do a video call before they go to bed.) She texted back that they were already in bed and asleep. Both were pretty wiped out from a busy day.

I still cannot believe that my baby girl is 2 years old. Time is a thief indeed!

Happy Birthday, my sweet Ella! I snapped this picture of you today and it is probably my favorite. There stands a little girl pondering what to do next. She is a little girl full of potential. She is a girl who is smart. She knows she is going to do amazing things – and she is planning just how to get those things done! God has blessed mommy and me with you. We love you as big as the world! We look forward to the many wonderful things you will do in the years ahead!

Daddy’s little girl.


I saw this twice on Facebook today and it really hit me. It is SO very true. I’m sure that collectively, you and I could easily add more true statements to this. I wish I knew who wrote it to give them proper credit.

I am reposting it here, so I will always have it and so that anyone who may stumble on this blog will find it useful as well.

Whether it is because I am getting older or the fact that we are in the middle of this whole Covid pandemic crap, the truth is that I have seen more death in the past two years than I care to. I’m not just talking about the overabundance of famous people who are dying, but the normal every day people in life – classmates, parents of friends, spouses, teachers, fathers, mothers, siblings, grandparents, co-workers, etc… My Facebook feed provides at least two to three links to obituaries a day now.

Many of my friends are still trying to cope with losses that are VERY fresh in their minds. I hope that this helps you or someone you may know who is currently dealing with grief – or has been dealing with it for some time.


Grief doesn’t just show up the day they die

Grief shows up on a random Monday night

Grief shows up in aisle five at the grocery store

Grief shows up when they’re favorite song comes on the radio

Grief shows up at the dining room table

Grief shows up at your graduation and wedding

Grief shows up in the delivery room when they aren’t by your side or in the pictures

Grief shows up on those sleepless nights

Grief shows up when the phone rings and it isn’t them

Grief shows up when you go to dial their number and realize they’ll never answer again

Grief shows up time and time again always unexpected and never invited

Grief doesn’t just show up the day they die

This chart could not be more true….

It Still Ain’t Flat!

Remember when all it was going to take was two weeks to “flatten the curve?” A mere 14 days….

This is not meant to be political or start an argument or debate. It is just an observation that I wanted to write about. I don’t want your political opinions and I don’t want debates or arguments going back in forth in the comments (here or on Facebook)!

We were talking about how Ella will be two years old in less than a month. She was born and “BAM” Covid hit! She is what they call a “quarantine baby.” She never got a real 1st Birthday Party. She probably won’t get a 2nd Birthday Party either. She’s never been to a movie, or a museum, or really done anything where there a lot of people. I’m sure it will be the same way for AJ.

I know that there are people who will say, “Go out! Live a little!” I’m sorry, I’m not ready for that. I know people in the medical field who feel the same way. As much as I want a date night, where I can sit in a restaurant with my wife or a trip to the movies, or whatever, we aren’t ready. We see too much doing what we do. We hear the stories. We know people. We’re happy (and unhappy) to be hermits – only leaving when absolutely necessary.

Covid numbers are up and continue to be grow. The numbers are so high that schools can’t even hold classes because the attendance is so low they can’t even count it as a school day! My son’s district just put out a note saying that they are going virtual for two weeks – or longer (depending on the numbers) – because staff and students are out with Covid. Hospitals have hundreds of employees out with Covid (or the symptoms). Restaurants (even fast food restaurants) are closing early because of staff issues. It’s insane.

Covid hit close to home for me. Both of my sons were diagnosed with it recently. They were both at my house on Christmas Eve! Naturally, we were worried about the kids, but it seems that they caught it after their visit to my house. Another friend of ours had not seen family or had any type of family gathering for two years. Everyone got their shots and boosters and they figured it was ok to get together. Nope! They all got Covid.

I guess what cranks my fears up a notch is that many of the hospitalizations are children under 5. The last thing I want is my kids in hospital. Maybe I am just an overprotective dad. I am ok with that. That’s what dad’s do.

I just wish that this whole Covid crap would go away! Whatever we are doing, whatever plans the government has in place, whatever the general public is doing, it ain’t working! I have a feeling this is going to be around for a long time….and that makes me angry, cautious, anxious, afraid, and most of all – sad.


Where is My Christmas Spirit?

By the time this blog posts, it will be a mere 9 days till Christmas. Our tree has been up since Thanksgiving. I’ve been listening to Christmas music. I have read A Christmas Carol. I watched a few of the holiday specials. Christmas pictures are done. So where is my Christmas Spirit?

My wife, Sam, and I had this conversation earlier today. You would think that we’d be a little more “in the holiday spirit” with all that is going on, but something just doesn’t feel right. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think Sam offered up some pretty plausible reasons.

No Snow

Sure, we had a good snow already, but it is long gone. When I was getting ready for work this afternoon, it was 55 degrees out! We’ve had plenty of rain, but we’re missing some snow. I know some will tell me to shut up, as they can’t stand snow. That’s ok, but for me, there has to be a little bit of snow for it to feel like Christmas.

Missed Traditions

Ok, I’m going to blame Covid. Sam and I are just not comfortable going anywhere. Because of that, we put some of our traditions on hold this year. One we could probably have done, was visiting Wild Lights at the Detroit Zoo.

We’ve been doing since we’ve been together. It’s always fun, but we want to make sure that the kids don’t get sick. It’s probably fine for Ella, but a bit too cold to have Andrew out there at night. Next year, we’ll be back there for sure!

Online Shopping

Outside of one or two things, all of our Christmas shopping was done online. I’m not one who loves shopping in crowds, but I do like to actually walk through the stores. Many times, I find the perfect gift by just walking and looking. To me, getting a gift that is unexpected is even more special than getting something you asked for. Thought actually went into it!

Shopping in General

I guess this is kind of a combination of “tradition” and “shopping.” There are quite a few places that Sam and I love to go to and just walk through.

  • The Christmas Tree Store is one of them. We found some really wonderful things for Ella’s room after she was born. We also love going there for holiday themed items.
  • Barnes and Nobel is another. We love walking through and checking out the new books. Now it’s even more fun because we can find the kids new books.
  • The Mall – ANY mall! Just going and walking the malls is always nice for us, even when we don’t have anything we HAVE to buy. (I guess we got to walk JC Penney while we waited for Christmas pictures recently, but it wasn’t like walking the whole mall.)

Again, Sam and I are just not comfortable yet being out among people. There are just too many people who don’t cover their mouth when they cough or sneeze. I was never a germaphobe, but recently, I feel like I’ve become one.

Maybe it isn’t too late….

I have a feeling that once I am sitting there watching my kids open gifts, their happiness will fill my heart and I will be overwhelmed with joy for them. I’m sure it will all work out … memories will be made. There will be many smiles. I just wish I felt it a bit more right now….

So much death …

For 5 days, I have opened my blog with every intention of writing. I have stared at the blank page, not really knowing what to write. How do I begin to even tackle what has been on my mind? I mean, I didn’t even tell my wife about it until just a couple days ago. I guess I didn’t realize just how much I was thinking about it until a couple weeks of constant dreams and a discussion with my therapist.

Maybe it is the “rising Covid numbers.” Maybe it is the fact that I am now required by work to get vaccinated or lose my job. Maybe it is the fact that death just seems a whole lot more common on my Facebook news feed. I’m not sure, but it seems like I am thinking a lot about it.

I have sleep apnea and wear my CPAP every night. That should allow me to sleep through the night without waking up every couple hours due to apnea. I have checked the CPAP app on my phone and according to it, I am not having enough apneas to wake me up, so why am I up every hour? It’s bad enough to constantly wake up, but when you lay there and fight to go back to sleep, it can be aggravating.

Even trying to fall asleep, my mind will not shut off. My prayers are interrupted with random thoughts. As I close my eyes, I begin to have bizarre thoughts. I find myself screaming inside my head “STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT!” I have tried those apps that play music and “talk” you to sleep. I have tried to put myself in my “happy place,” but my mind just doesn’t want to shut off.

In the past year, I have seen too many people pass away. Not all of them had Covid, but some did. Heart attack, sepsis, old age, cancer, and other illnesses have claimed the lives of friends, former teachers, and former co-workers. Just this week a friend from high school lost her life to Covid.

There is that old quote that says something about the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. A pastor friend of mine always says that the “death rate is still one apiece.” In the Bible, it reads: “ And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment” (Hebrews 9:27). In a book I was reading this week it said “You’re only one breath away from eternity.” All of those quotes are true.

I can’t even explain the uneasiness and anguish I have experienced over the past couple weeks. I’m not even sure why! Without getting theological or anything, I will say that I am not afraid of death, because I have settled that issue and know where I am going when I die. That may sound pompous, but I stand by my faith and trust that my Savior, Jesus Christ, died for me.

Despite the fact that I have peace with this, I have found myself laying in bed wondering about things. I have literally laid there with my eyes closed thinking about what I need to write down in a letter to my each of children should something happen or a love letter to my wife. What would I need to tell my dad or my brother? My mind races with these things for absolutely no reason.

As I look around at what is going on in the world, I see things happening that don’t sit well with me. I see such division. I see so much hate. I see (and feel) distrust for the government. There is way too much of the “I’m right! You’re wrong!” mentality. It makes me sad.

I have talked to people “for” and “against” the vaccine. So much uncertainty. I worry. I’m scared. I shouldn’t be, but I am. Is this where it all stems from? God only knows. God give me peace in the days and weeks ahead, please.