So much death …

For 5 days, I have opened my blog with every intention of writing. I have stared at the blank page, not really knowing what to write. How do I begin to even tackle what has been on my mind? I mean, I didn’t even tell my wife about it until just a couple days ago. I guess I didn’t realize just how much I was thinking about it until a couple weeks of constant dreams and a discussion with my therapist.

Maybe it is the “rising Covid numbers.” Maybe it is the fact that I am now required by work to get vaccinated or lose my job. Maybe it is the fact that death just seems a whole lot more common on my Facebook news feed. I’m not sure, but it seems like I am thinking a lot about it.

I have sleep apnea and wear my CPAP every night. That should allow me to sleep through the night without waking up every couple hours due to apnea. I have checked the CPAP app on my phone and according to it, I am not having enough apneas to wake me up, so why am I up every hour? It’s bad enough to constantly wake up, but when you lay there and fight to go back to sleep, it can be aggravating.

Even trying to fall asleep, my mind will not shut off. My prayers are interrupted with random thoughts. As I close my eyes, I begin to have bizarre thoughts. I find myself screaming inside my head “STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT!” I have tried those apps that play music and “talk” you to sleep. I have tried to put myself in my “happy place,” but my mind just doesn’t want to shut off.

In the past year, I have seen too many people pass away. Not all of them had Covid, but some did. Heart attack, sepsis, old age, cancer, and other illnesses have claimed the lives of friends, former teachers, and former co-workers. Just this week a friend from high school lost her life to Covid.

There is that old quote that says something about the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. A pastor friend of mine always says that the “death rate is still one apiece.” In the Bible, it reads: “ And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment” (Hebrews 9:27). In a book I was reading this week it said “You’re only one breath away from eternity.” All of those quotes are true.

I can’t even explain the uneasiness and anguish I have experienced over the past couple weeks. I’m not even sure why! Without getting theological or anything, I will say that I am not afraid of death, because I have settled that issue and know where I am going when I die. That may sound pompous, but I stand by my faith and trust that my Savior, Jesus Christ, died for me.

Despite the fact that I have peace with this, I have found myself laying in bed wondering about things. I have literally laid there with my eyes closed thinking about what I need to write down in a letter to my each of children should something happen or a love letter to my wife. What would I need to tell my dad or my brother? My mind races with these things for absolutely no reason.

As I look around at what is going on in the world, I see things happening that don’t sit well with me. I see such division. I see so much hate. I see (and feel) distrust for the government. There is way too much of the “I’m right! You’re wrong!” mentality. It makes me sad.

I have talked to people “for” and “against” the vaccine. So much uncertainty. I worry. I’m scared. I shouldn’t be, but I am. Is this where it all stems from? God only knows. God give me peace in the days and weeks ahead, please.

7 thoughts on “So much death …

  1. My wife also doesn’t have the ability to turn her mind off. She is battling covid now and has been thinking about the vaccine lately. Her 20 year old son just got his first shot of covid poiso… (uhh) vaccine recently.
    I, on the other hand, still refuse the shot(s)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m really sorry to hear that your wife is battling with Covid. I pray that she recovers quickly and without any kind of issues.

      Because I work in healthcare, and because almost every place is making them mandatory, I am going to be forced to take it. Word is they are finding ways to deny “exemptions” on many people.


      1. Do you want to take it? I’ve read of many, many nurses/doctors walking off the job because of the mandates. Is your anxiety related to the mandate…or the possibility of getting “covid?”

        I have some married friends that got “the Rona” (the husband’s term for it) two weeks ago. They said it was a rough flu-type thing but, they recovered (they are both unvaxxed). No hospital visit, no after effects. In the course of the conversation about it, I remarked that I had had a big nasty jump on me in January of 2019:

        He told me that my symptoms were identical to theirs, curiously. I also happen to be in the very same county where UNC is (involved in the gain-of-function research).

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think the anxiety is brought on by both – the mandate and the possibility of Covid.

        I know it affects everyone differently depending on circumstances and health. I’m overweight, have high blood pressure, etc. So my doc said there’s no way of knowing how it would hit me. I do know that I worry about giving it to my wife, my daughter, and my sons.


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