The Truth Hurts

It can be very easy to hide things when posting on social media or in a blog. As the daily posts go live, no one will ever really know if something is wrong. As someone who has a lot of posts that are written beforehand and scheduled to post on a specific day and time, it is easy to hide many things. However, when I began writing this blog, it was to “vent” and/or put my feelings in writing. My apologies in advance, because I plan on just letting as much as I can go.

Before I begin, I am not looking for sympathy or “poor Keith.” My issues are no worse than anyone else’s. This is simply me trying to sort out things in writing.

Whatever is going on with me has been building for a bit. As I tend to do, I tried to just keep burying things so I didn’t have to think about them. That only leads to me to be short with people, and most of the time it is an overreaction. If I wanted to play the blame game, I could blame it on the changes in my medications, I could blame my kids for … well, basically being kids (which is perfectly normal), I could blame a ton of things and people, but in the end, it all comes back to me.

I am not myself lately. I’m not sure why or what may be causing it. I’d imagine that some of it can be found in the photo above. Then again, that is playing the blame game.

This weekend, I completely lost my temper with my kids. I had no reason to. I have no excuse. I could have easily handled the situation more calmly, but I was frustrated because of the inconvenience it was causing me. My wife bought a rug for the living room. The room had to be picked up and vacuumed before I could put the rug down. The things that were on the floor were things that the kids played with, things that the dog had laying around, and stuff I had left lying around. So instead of just asking for their help, I exploded and yelled like a complete idiot.

I feel like my emotions are all messed up again. The other day I was listening to music in the car and a song came on that had me in tears. What in the world is that all about? I cannot make heads or tails of it. There is obviously a lot on my mind. Deep down is it all of this piling up together that is getting to me? I really don’t know.

I knew that things were a bit off, but I just kept plowing away. A recent medication change didn’t seem to be doing anything. I mentioned it to the doctor and since I was only on it a month, she wanted me to try it one more month. Yeah, I don’t feel any better. So I knew I had to mention it to the doc.

Over the weekend, it became very clear that things might be worse than I even know. The kids talked with my wife and told her how I yelled about the family room and that led to more discussion. My wife basically told me that for the last month I haven’t been myself. She went on to tell me how difficult I have been to be around and how I am no longer my fun loving self. “You don’t even laugh anymore!” Well, that was a zinger to the heart. I didn’t realize just how much everyone else was dealing with in regards to my actions. I won’t mention what my wife said I was acting like, but I’m sure your guess would be close to the answer.

At work, I mainly keep to myself. This will be difficult soon, as I will have a new employee to train. However, I find that I am isolating myself a bit. There are certain nights I do this more than others. I feel “out of place” with specific groups of co-workers. I’m not even sure how to explain that. I try to acknowledge everyone, but there are some people I just feel like it is best to keep to myself. I help when I can and focus on my patients. I’ve never been a clock watcher, but there are days I cannot wait to hit the time clock.

So what is the plan? I have a telemedicine call this week with the doc in charge of my ADHD meds. These are the meds that we keep tweaking. My wife has told me that she wants to be on that call. I have no issues with that. I am hoping that we can step back and reassess what is going on. Maybe we could go back to the point were I felt most balanced (whenever that was). I can rest assured that my wife will be upfront and honest with the doc. Yeah, that scares me a bit, but it has to be dealt with.

As far as all the stuff attacking the brain in the photo above, well, I guess I’m just going to have to find a way to deal with those things. They’ll always be there, so maybe a medication adjustment will alleviate some of the anxiety surrounding those things.

We now return you to your regular blog reading.