Happy Birthday, Henny!

The “King of the One Liners,” Henny Youngman, was born today in 1906. He told pretty much the same jokes for 70 years, and they always got laughs! Here are some of my favorite Henny Youngman lines:

  • Take my wife… Please!
  • Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
  • A hooker stopped me on the street and told me ‘I’ll do anything for $50.’ I said, ‘Paint my house.’
  • I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
  • A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, “we saved your grandson.” The little Jewish Grandma says, “He had a hat!”
  • I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
  • Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
  • My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” “No, jump in!”
  • A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, “How do you like it up here?” The priest says, “If it wasn’t for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I’d be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?” “Yes.” “Rosary, get the bishop a martini!”
  • A man calls a lawyer’s office. The phone is answered, “Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.” The man says, “Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.” “I’m sorry, he’s on vacation.” “Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.” “He’s on a big case, not available for a week.” “Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.” “He’s playing golf today.” “Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.” “Speaking.”
  • I miss my wife’s cooking – as often as I can.
  • I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.
  • I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
  • A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, “Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away.” The next day, the man says, “Did you do what I told you to?” “Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!”
  • An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!” So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, “How did you do it?” “Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a 3 day pass?” So we exchanged tanks!
  • A man doesn’t know what real happiness is until he’s married. Then it’s too late.
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  • My wife – She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
  • My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
  • While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
  • A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says “You’re crazy” The man says “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly too!”
  • A patient goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” The doctor replied, “Then don’t do that!”
  • My horse’s jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says “Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!”
  • My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • A doctor says to a man “You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.” Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says “How is your love life since you have been running?” “I don’t know, I’m 140 miles away!”
  • A person asked me, “How do you prepare for the stage?” I told her, “Well, it’s like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you’ve lost all your marbles…”
  • My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
  • My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  • Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed – it was a Chinese restaurant!
  • A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
  • My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  • A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, “Here’s your husband!” The man’s wife says, “Where’s his wheelchair?”
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, “We want Youngman! We want Youngman!” The coach says, “Youngman – go see what they want!”
  • A man goes to a psychiatrist “Nobody listen to me!” The doctor says “Next!”
  • Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. (My personal favorite joke from Henny!)
  • When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
  • I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
  • Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
  • I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
  • My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
  • My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
  • My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.
  • A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says “That’s what puzzles me!”
  • I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for your anniversary?” She said: “I want to go somewhere I’ve never been before.” I said, “Try the kitchen.”
  • Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
  • The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
  • The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
  • My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
  • Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
  • I came home, the car was in the dining room. I asked my wife, “How did you get the car in here?” She said, “Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.”
  • Doctor says to a man “You’re pregnant!” The man says “How does a man get pregnant?” The doctor says “The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner…”
  • A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
  • A bum asked me “Give me $10 till payday.” I asked “When’s payday?” He said “I don’t know, you’re the one who is working!”
  • This guy asked his doctor, ‘Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?’ And the doctor says ‘Sure.’ And the guy says, ‘Funny, I couldn’t do it before.’
  • The Doctor says “You’ll live to be 60.” “I am 60!” “See, what did I tell you?”
  • My wife told me the car wasn’t running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
  • There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
  • A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The woman opens the door. “Where do you want these blinds, lady?”
  • My dressing room is next a woman’s dressing room. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
  • My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
  • My brother-in-law talks a big game. He tells every one he is a diamond cutter. Diamond cutter!? He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I loved this quote from Henny about his career – He was quoted in an interview with the online magazine Eye: “I get on the plane. I go and do the job, grab the money and I come home and I keep it clean. Those are my rules. Sinatra does the same thing, only he has a helicopter waiting. That’s the difference.”

Henny passed away in February of 1998. Here is a link to his New York Times Obituary, which includes some wonderful biographical information:

2 thoughts on “Happy Birthday, Henny!

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