A Blog I’ve Been Avoiding

After much thought, I have decided to sit and write about something that is really hurting me. I am writing this for the sole purpose of talking about it in hopes that it will calm my inner soul to “get it out.” Please bear with me.

Today is my second son’s birthday. He is 15 today. He lives with his mother (my ex). I’m supposed to see him three weekends a month. I’m not sure exactly when it all started happening, but at some point those visits were based on whether or not he wanted to come over.

A few days before I was texting him to ask if he was coming over. He would answer on occasion, but not always. His mother told me a few months ago that she assumed I wasn’t asking him to come over. She suggested a text conversation that included my son, her and me. Since then, I have texted and asked him if he was coming over and wouldn’t get a response from either one of them.

The last time he was over was early May. When we got Covid, I texted to say that it might be a week or two before he should come over. After getting clearance to go back to work, I texted and said, “Cleared to go back to work. Hope to see you this weekend.” A few days later I texted to see if he was planning to come over. This text he responded to. “No Thanks.”

On my birthday, I received a call from my oldest son, but never heard a word from my second oldest. I sent him a text on the first weekend of June asking if he was planning on coming over and got no response this time.

My oldest son has a Facebook messenger group that includes his friends, his friends parents, his brother, and my ex and I. They are always communicating on this thing. Lately, each family has been hosting a get together every weekend. One family has a pond in their back yard that they can all swim in. My sons were there the second weekend of June, so again, no visit.

Father’s Day weekend there was a fair in town and they were discussing going there. I believe they went Friday and Sunday, but had talked about going Saturday, too. My oldest son stated that he worked on Saturday and so they planned on just Friday and Sunday – Sunday, of course, being Father’s Day.

With the group discussing the fair, my ex chimed in and said that the 4 of them (her, my sons, and her boyfriend) should go to the fair in the morning. Then she suggested they “Chill before we do the Father’s Day dinner.” Because of this, I didn’t text my son to see if he was coming, because they obviously had plans.

I had to wonder, though, shouldn’t the “Father’s Day dinner” be with their father?! Apparently not.

On Sunday, my oldest son called me to wish me Happy Father’s Day. He asked what my plans for the day were. I told him that I didn’t know what I was going to do. I said I might head to the store, but other than that, I’d be home. Deep down, I expected him to ask if he could stop over, but he didn’t. It was ok, I knew he had plans.

I never heard from my other son.

I didn’t text this week to see if he was coming. I knew his birthday fell on Saturday and that his mom probably had something planned for him. There is certainly no way, he’d want to be with me. So I dropped a birthday card in the mail earlier in the week. I am sure that it has already arrived. I’m not surprised that I haven’t gotten a “Thank you” yet.

I cannot describe how much it hurts to be shunned by your child. I have reached out so many times, without getting a response. I understand that the divorce wasn’t easy for him. Hell, it wasn’t easy for any of us. But in the end, it was the thing that had to happen. When he uses phrases that his mom has used in conversation with me, like “your other family” and such, I know where they came from.

I saw a quote as I debated whether or not to write this blog:

“I wish I could give you my pain just for one moment. Not to hurt you, but rather so you can finally understand how much you hurt me.”

He is a teenager. He’s got a lot of things going on. He has depression. He has had a very rough year in school. There are a whole lot of feelings he is sorting through. I will hope and pray that one day – when he is ready – we can once again have a relationship and move past all of this stuff. That’s all I can do. It really is up to him.

The hurt is real for me. He is my son. I love him. I will never NOT be his dad, despite what others may be telling him. I will be here for him. In the meantime, I will continue to reach out.

It is also is important not to let these things interfere with or disrupt my life with my wife and other children. They need the best of me. I need to provide for them, too. I have to be a good father and husband to them, as well – and I will.

So there it is. It’s out. I hope that writing down at least some of my thoughts will help me. Thanks for listening/reading.

We now return to your regularly entertaining blog….

9 thoughts on “A Blog I’ve Been Avoiding

  1. This is clearly very hard for you. It hurts. I think you are doing all you can do at this point in time, Keith. You text and contact him. Show him that you care and that you are available, there for him, if he needs you. In your blog you mention that your second son suffers from depression and had a tough year at school. Also, 15… tricky age, neither here nor there, and communication can be awkward to nonexistent. Complete silence is hard to endure. The ‘not knowing’. I hope the two of you can find a way to communicate at some point in the future. From the way you write, I can tell that you won’t give up on your boy. You’re in this for the long haul, good days and bad days, you’ll always be his dad, trying to do the best you can, even when it’s hard.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Britta. It was very difficult to actually write this all out. There is so much hurt involved. I know some of it, if not most of it, is his age. What I presented is the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. Much of the details are withheld for obvious reasons.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Writing things down helps tremendously. I hope that one day your boy realizes and appreciates that your trying to be the best dad you can be. Always. You put a lot of time and effort into your parenting. Eventually, I am convinced that this will bear fruit. When it comes to teenagers, it may be quite some time…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. i’m so sorry you’re going through this. it is so painful and it sounds like he is dealing with a lot besides just being a teenager. don’t give up, keep sending your contacts and invites to him an this may change over time. in the meantime, take care of yourself as it is so hard to be a parent on the other end of this.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. At his age…as you know they can be impossible but that doesn’t help you at all. All you can do Keith is keep trying and dont stop. My first reaction would be…. I won’t text anymore…but that might make it worse. I wish you the best man.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Keith,
    To some extent, I do understand and would love to either get together with you or, at the least, speak with you on the phone.

    Liked by 1 person

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