A parent loves to watch their child grow. However, it can be overwhelming to realize that while they are growing older, so are you. Take it one step further and you realize that at the same time, your parents are growing older as well.
I have noticed a change in my dad over the past year. The changes are subtle, but seem to be cumulating as time goes by. I’m not even really sure how to explain it. Things are just different.
I talk with him weekly. That hasn’t changed. The content and the “feel” has changed, though. Conversations with dad usually are about family, friends, music, books or TV. There is always laughter as we chat about old shows we love. Today, there is still laughter, but there is also a bit more seriousness to the conversations.
I’ve noticed over the past few months that he will post on Facebook before he goes to bed. He often talks of music that brings back memories or about family members who have passed away. He shares stories of his childhood, and talks about my brother, his grandkids and me. He seems to be even more nostalgic than me.
The other thing he slips into conversation are things that, if I am being honest, I don’t want to talk about. “I’m working on an envelope that will have all my passwords in it …” “If anything happens, there is a folder …” “All the forms for the cemetery can be found …” “We need to sit down with your brother and figure out ….”
Dad will be 80 in November. I realize that he is getting up there. I completely understand why he wants to talk about this. I’m not ready to. Granted, I am grateful to know that he is planning, and making sure that we don’t have to scurry around looking for stuff. It is just that I am not prepared for anything happening. This is dumb on my part.
My grandma, his mom, had dementia at the end of her life. It was a huge burden on my dad. “I don’t want you to deal with what I had to with your grandma,” he told me. I appreciate that. I do. It was absolute craziness for him. He is obviously thinking about getting everything in order.
Over the past year, I have seen people my age pass away. There have been friends who have lost parents and siblings. Then there are my friends who are battling cancer or waiting for a kidney transplant. The older I get, the more people get sick and pass away. It is a sad realization.
I see the wear and tear of age in my face – and more so in my father’s. Time won’t slow or stop and whether you like it or not, at the end of life’s journey, death awaits. I’m just not ready.
Various Ramblings of a Nostalgic Italian 