At 5:24am 19 years ago, with her hand in mine, my mother took her last breath here on earth. She was finally freed from the pain she suffered for a decade from Breast Cancer and all the treatments and medications she had because of the disease. For those of us who were left behind, there was pain in her leaving, but joy that the suffering was over. Since her passing, there have been many changes in my life. How I wish I could call her and just talk. I can’t tell you the number of times I have wanted her advice. There are so many things I wish I could apologize for, so many things I want to say, and so many things I long to hear. I am blessed to have some wonderful friends who have stood by me through some powerful storms lately, storms that would have made a bit easier with a call to mom.
I have said this before, but it is worth saying again – to those who still have their parents I say this – no matter what, make peace with them. Do not take them for granted. Enjoy each and every moment you have with them, even if it hearing the same story for the umpteenth time. Enjoy a cup of coffee with them. Take your kids to see them. Do not let another day go by without saying those things that you want to say. Make sure they know how thankful you are. Make sure they know you love them. Life is too short and when they are gone, you will long for those little things that seemed so trivial or unimportant.
It’s been a bit harder for me over the past few years. So many great things have happened. So many life events she wasn’t around to experience. She would be so proud of her oldest grandsons and would be spoiling her granddaughter and new grandson. She would be sharing embarrassing stories about me to my wife and so much more.
I miss my mom each and every day. My love for her is never ending, like hers was for me. The void remains – her laughter, her voice, and her smile are now but a memory that lives on in photos and old lost video tapes.
A couple days ago, I posted about October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I explained that both my grandmother and mother passed away due to breast cancer. In the comments, my blogger friend, Dana (her blog is: https://regulargirldevos.com/) made a comment led to today’s photo.
Dana’s comment: Thank you for sharing this, Keith. I’m sorry about your mom and grandmother. I do enjoy reading about them when you share your pictures and memories.
This photo of my mom and my grandma (her mom) was taken in Florida. It was taken around 1989. My parents and I went with the high school band on their Florida trip. At the time, my grandmother had moved to Florida with my aunt. I’m not sure how close we were to where they lived, but she was able to meet up with us.
My buddy, Steve, also joined us on this trip. We were “chaperones” believe it or not. We had both graduated and we went off doing our own thing while we were there. I didn’t spend much time with the family on the trip. That, however, is just a small part of a lot of regret.
When my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was an unruly teen who was doing teen things. It seemed like my buddies and I always had something going on. So, I didn’t see much of my grandma. Naturally I had heard things about cancer, but I guess I thought if I didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t bother me. To a degree, that was true.
I rarely appeared at family functions because I wanted to hang with my friends instead. I don’t recall what the family function was, but my mother had taken pictures at it. When she got the photos back from the store (yes, kids, we often had to wait to see our pictures), she was going through them. There was a photo of my grandmother that shocked me.
She looked so thin and pale. I don’t even know how much chemotherapy she had been through at this time, but it obviously took a toll. She wore a terrycloth hat over her head, which was like a beret. She had lost most of her hair at that time. She was wearing what looked like a blue robe. In that photo, my grandma did not look like my grandma. That photo sealed the deal – I did not want to see my grandma that way. I didn’t see her until after she passed away.
When I think back to the time I could have spent with her, I kick myself. It was unfair to her. It was wrong of me. There were things that were not said that I would like to have shared with her. I missed way too much because I was in my own little world. It is one of my biggest regrets.
I will always remember her as she looked in the above photo.
How is it October already? I swear, I feel like it was just the beginning of summer. October is a month that I love and hate at the same time.
I love October because the fall colors really show. It is high school football games and bonfires. It is trips to the cider mill and Halloween. It is post-season baseball and sweatshirt weather.
My mother and my grandmother both passed away from breast cancer in October, so I hate it for that. I do believe that it is ironic that they passed in October, though. If you were not aware, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Every year I was in radio, I always made sure that I was involved in a Breast Cancer event. It may have been a motorcycle club doing a ride for breast cancer or a classic car show. Sometimes it was at a clinic or hospital where free mammograms were being done.
From breastcancer.org:
Breast cancer is the most common cancer diagnosed among women in the U.S. Each year, about 32% of all newly diagnosed cancers in women are breast cancer.
In 2025, approximately 316,950 women will be diagnosed with invasive breast cancer, with 59,080 new cases of ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), which is non-invasive.
About 16% of women with breast cancer are younger than 50 years of age.
About 66% of breast cancer cases are diagnosed at a localized stage — before cancer has spread outside of the breast — when treatments tend to work better.
There are currently more than four million women with a history of breast cancer in the U.S. This includes women currently being treated and women who have finished treatment.
About 42,170 women will die from breast cancer in 2025.
Less than 1% of all breast cancers occur in men.
Approximately 1 in 8 women (13%) in the U.S. will develop invasive breast cancer at some point in their life.
Early detection is so important. If you are a woman, I encourage you to get your yearly mammogram. Please don’t wait.
“There is something about losing a mother that is permanent and inexpressible—a wound that will never quite heal.” –Susan Wiggs
“Mothers hold their children’s hands for a while, but their hearts forever.” –Unknown
“Losing a parent is something like driving through a plate-glass window. You didn’t know it was there until it shattered, and then for years to come you’re picking up the pieces — down to the last glassy splinter.” –Saul Bellow
“I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought, and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love.” –Leo Buscaglia
“Mom, I am missing you today but I know that you will always be with me in my heart… I am who I am because of your loving hands. I have my sweet and compassionate soul from watching you and your generosity and kindness to others. I see the world full of wonder because of your imagination. I’ve learned to never give up seeing your drive and perseverance… I love you always and forever…” –Karen Kostyla
She is still everywhere with us. She is the air we breathe, she occupies our every thought and fills each moment of our lives … We carry her within ourselves and will never be able to free ourselves from this eternal bond.” — Jacques Prévert
“To my mother in heaven, thank you for always loving me and guiding me. Even though you are no longer here with me I can still feel your love guiding me. You are always in my heart. I love you and miss you dearly. – Unknown
“My mother is a never ending song in my heart of comfort, happiness and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune.” – Graycie Harmon
“A mom’s hug lasts long after she lets go.” – Unknown
____
Mom. The missing her never goes away. The “I wish mom was here to see this” moments are always present. There are so many things I want to share with her and ask her.
18 years ago today, at 5:24 AM, I held my mother’s hand as she took her last breath. After a decade long battle with breast cancer, the cancer won the war. That moment is forever cemented in my memory.
“I wonder if my first breath was as soul-stirring to my mother as her last breath was to me.”― Lisa Goich-Andreadis, “14 Days: A Mother, A Daughter, A Two Week Goodbye”
It’s been a long 18 years, mom. I love you. I miss you. See you later …
Welcome back to The Music of My Life, where I feature ten songs from each year of my life. In most cases, the ten songs I choose will be ones I like personally (unless I explain otherwise). The songs will be selected from Billboard’s Year-end Hot 100 Chart, Acclaimed Music, and will all be released in the featured year.
In 1993, I turned 23 and was still coping with the fact that my girlfriend had broken up with me. It wasn’t until a year later that I began going out with a buddy and hitting the Karaoke bars. It was while we sat and waited for our turn to sing that I heard many songs that were new to me. The first was by Expose.
Expose had success with dance/pop music. When they crossed over and had a #1 song with Seasons Change, they decided to go in a different direction. Their focus was shifted to more mature audiences. The label picked some great songs for their third album, including the Diane Warren song “I’ll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me.”
When one of the gals we hung out with at Karaoke got up and sang this, I watched the words on the screen. The heartache was still pretty fresh and it actually choked me up. It was the break up that I really never saw coming and the fact that she moved on so quickly rubbed salt in my wound.
Today, I appreciate the song for the powerful lyrics, the beautiful arrangement, and the lovely vocals.
I’ll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me
Elvis Presley recorded two songs called “Trouble”. The first was back in 1958. The second was in 1975, but that time he spelled it out. The latter was written by Jerry Chesnut. Travis Tritt covered it on his third album and it was the title track.
Tritt’s version went to #13 on the charts and got some positive reviews. Geoffrey Himes, of Billboard magazine, reviewed the song favorably, saying that Tritt transforms it with “boogie-woogie piano, slide guitar and super-fast tempo into a bar romp reminiscent of (the band) Little Feat.”
Not to diss on Elvis, but Tritt’s version is superior.
T-R-O-U-B-L-E
I’m not the biggest Rod Stewart fan. I can’t give you a reason for that. However, there are a few songs that I feel he does a really good job with. One example of this is from his 1993 Unplugged performance – Have I Told You Lately.
The song was originally done by Van Morrison. According to songfacts.com, the song is widely considered to be about Van Morrison’s relationship with God and religious convictions. Although we’ve never heard him speak specifically about the song, he does acknowledge a spiritual element in his music.
In 1993, during his Unplugged show, Rod dedicates the song to his wife Rachel Hunter (They divorced in 1999). You can really hear the emotion as he sings this, and when you watch the video, those emotions are more apparent.
The song was a huge hit, reaching #5 in both the US and the UK. It remains one of the most popular bridal dance songs.
Have I Told You Lately
Every once in a while, there a song that just pops out of the radio at me. That was the case for Every Little Thing by Carlene Carter. From the opening guitar strums and the drum that kicks into the beat, I was hooked.
Carlene is the daughter of June Carter Cash and her first husband Cal Smith. I’d never heard of her prior to this song, but she’d been recording and writing for some time. As a matter of fact, the album Little Love Letters was actually her seventh album!
To me, this was one of those songs that just made me feel good. It’s happy. It’s uptempo. It’s about a gal who loves her man so much everything reminds her of him. Isn’t that what we all want? Someone who loves us like that?
Every Little Thing
The next song was another one that hit me in the emotional gut. The song could be taken a few ways I suppose. I think you can look at a variety of situations and wonder, “What Might Have Been”. Our lives are full of “What ifs” and such.
When I heard this song, I thought about my ex girlfriend and wondered what our lives would be like if we had stayed together. Depression makes you dive deep into those hurtful thoughts. In hindsight now, I am glad to be where I am and realize that things happened the way they did to get me where I am today. At the time, though, this one ripped me apart.
It’s a truly beautiful song by Little Texas.
What Might Have Been
The early 90’s was a great time for dance music. There were some really awesome songs that kept folks out on the dance floor. As opposed to years later, I never really had to struggle to find a good follow up song back then.
One of my go-to songs was from the German group Real McCoy. The group was a dance trio formed in Berlin in 1993. They were made up of 2 female dance singers and a male rapper. This quickly became a huge hit in European dance clubs, and hit #2 UK. It went to #3 in the US.
It featured a good beat and the signature 90’s synthesizer. The song caught the attention of Clive Davis, who worked a deal with the band and the song took off!
Another Night
The next song was written before the band who sang it was ever created. Blind Melon’s bass player, Brad Smith, was not exactly feeling great. That’s when he wrote No Rain. He says, “The song is about not being able to get out of bed and find excuses to face the day when you have really, in a way, nothing.”
At the time, Brad was dating a girl who was going through depression (she would sleep through sunny days and complain when it didn’t rain), and for a while he told himself that he was writing the song from her perspective. He later realized that he was also writing about it himself.
He once said, “A lot of my songs come from a darker place. And if you just met me walking down the street, you’d say, ‘Oh, you’re such a happy guy, Brad. Why the dark songs?’ I’m like, ‘I don’t know.’ For me, it just has more meaning if you can get inside someone’s soul and identify with them on a heavier level and try to connect with them on that level. Because when you’re sad and you’re down, you’re the most vulnerable, and you feel the most alone.”
This is one of those songs where I really got lost in the lyrics. I felt like there was something more to them, and I couldn’t figure it out.
No Rain
The next one is another one of those songs I heard at the karaoke bar. Sadly, many of the people who tried to sing it were awful!
Linda Perry, the front woman for 4 Non Blondes, said, “There are times when we just need to take a deep breath and scream from the top of our lungs, ‘What’s going on!?'” On a podcast, she said that was the way she felt when she wrote the very cathartic song, “What’s Up”. “It’s like, ‘Why does it always seem like either I’m struggling, or there’s some f–king political mess happening? Why is this all happening in the world?'”
Fun fact: After the “And I scream at the top of my lungs, what’s going on?” line in the chorus, Linda Perry sings, “Hey hey hey hey…” She put this part in as filler, planning to insert lyrics, but the song sounded so good that way she left it in.
The song is sort of an anthem I suppose. I tend to agree with Linda. There are plenty of times where I wonder exactly what’s going on ….
What’s Up
The next one reminds me of my former sister-in-law. She always made me laugh and there are plenty of songs that make me think of her. This one is no exception. She loved Jim Carrey and this song was featured on the soundtrack. It is Boom-Shack-A-Lak by Apache Indian.
I can’t recite any of the lyrics except the chorus. and all I know is that it had a bouncy feel to it and was loaded with wacky sound effects. It is actually kind of silly.
Larry Flick of Billboard magazine described the song as “a wacky blend of guttural toasting and retro-pop shuffle beats.” He felt that “the hook has the potential to take up permanent residence in your brain, while the fun array of sound effects are sure to get those shoulders shakin’ out of control.” He also encouraged, “Seek it out and give it a whirl.”
I can hear my former sister-in-law laughing at this as I type…
Boom-Shack-A-Lak
The final song for this week is one that really didn’t mean much to me in 1993, but it sure did in 1999. When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, there was a lot of uncertainty. I recall many times wondering about how long she was going to be around. She was in and out of remission so many times.
When I got engaged to my ex wife, there was a lot of talk about whether or not she’d make it to see us get married. Her battle was a long one and she struggled so much with the chemo and radiation. It was through this time that I realized just how strong she was!
She would battle that disease and fight like no one’s business. So when it came time to choose a song to dance with my mom for the mother/son song, I thought long and hard about it. With every passing day, I realized just how much of a hero my mom was to me. She was stronger than I could have ever imagined. So, I chose Mariah Carey’s Hero.
I remember walking out to the dance floor and meeting her there. I remember her telling me how much she loved me and how handsome I looked. I told her how amazing she was and how much I loved her. We both shed tears and it is four minutes of my life that I wish I could revisit every day. I miss her terribly.
Hero
So what song from 1993 was your favorite? What did I miss? Drop it in the comments.
Next week, we visit 1994. There are a couple cover songs, but no Elvis covers. There’s a tribute to a Rock and Roll legend. There’s a bit of country and a bit of alternative music. I’ll share a great story about a singer who appreciates the veterans of our country, and feature my favorite “last song of the night” at weddings and parties.
It is time once again for my contribution to Turntable Talk, a series hosted by my friend Dave Ruch at his blog “A Sound Day.” This is the 16th installment and the topic this time around was an easy one for me. The topic this month is entitled “Coulda Been a Contender.” This is simply a song that we felt should have been a hit but wasn’t.
As a music director (the guy who helped the radio station’s program director choose what songs to play) I heard a lot of songs that wanted a spot on our play list. Many times we added songs that never went anywhere on the charts, but we thought they were good. On the other side of the coin, we played a lot of songs that I felt were crap, that wound up being hits.
When this topic presented itself, one song immediately came to mind. Unlike other topics where I went back and forth between 2-5 songs trying to pick one to write about, this one was the only one I felt really should have been a smash. I have felt that way about this song since hearing it the first time. It is a duet by a legendary artist you will know instantly, and a singer whose name you SHOULD know, because she is just that good!
The song is “Where We Both Say Goodbye” by Catherine Britt and Sir Elton John.
She has lived a life in the world of entertainment most will never experience or dream of. The archetypal Aussie girl from the coal works of Newcastle uprooted herself at 17 years old and moved for six years to Nashville TN (USA) where she gained a deep knowledge of country/roots/folk history as well as touring extensively and releasing top 40 Billboard hits.
How did this happen you may well ask. Not every 17 year old moves from Newcastle to Nashville to pursue their musical dreams. Well, the story is that a certain Elton John (yes, THAT Elton John – not to be mistaken for . . .) heard Catherine during one of his Australian tours in the early 2000s. So impressed with Catherine was Elton that he took her albums back to America with him and helped get a deal with RCA Records.
I can only imagine the feeling she had when she heard that Elton John was a fan AND was helping her get a record deal! There is a very cool video of Elton and Catherine that I will share after I talk about the song.
Music, like humor, is subjective. It has a certain power to it. Perhaps my feelings about the song are a bit swayed because of what was going on in my life in 2005. My mother was dying of breast cancer, my son was going through intense therapy for autism, and my marriage was slowly falling apart.
I connected with the song on a personal level, but I also understood that I wasn’t the only person who was having relationship trouble. This song struck a chord with me and I knew that there were listeners who had to be going through the exact same thing. As years went by, this song took on more and more meaning for me. As my first marriage continued to crumble and my unhappiness grew, I heard this song again on my iPod, and knew it was certainly time to “say goodbye.”
I still cannot understand how this song was NOT a hit. Perhaps it was programmers questioning whether or not to play Elton John on a country station? It could have been some consultant who felt that way, too. But today, we see artists crossing over from genre to genre and no one thinks twice about it. Maybe this song was ahead of its time.
Catherine’s voice is simply beautiful. It is almost sultry. Elton could sing just about anything and it would sound great. These two together? Magical! Their voices blend so well. Their harmonies are stellar and they convey the hurt of the lyrics. Here are two people who are dying inside because they both know – it is probably over.
Let the steel guitar pull at those heart strings …..
Where We Both Say Goodbye
A fire that’s left unattended Surely will burn out and die Now that we’re down to nothin’ but ashes Is this where we both say goodbye
Chorus
Is this where two hearts break down and cry Is this where we let go and give up the fight Have we reached the point where it’s too late to try Is this where we both say goodbye
It’s so hard to go on pretendin’ The truth is we’re livin’ a lie And it kills me to know our love’s dyin’ Is this where we both say goodbye
(Chorus)
I wanted you to hear the song before you watched the next video. This is a very cool piece with Elton and Catherine talking about how they came to meet and eventually record the song. I love watching behind the scenes stuff like this.
The song itself only reached #38 on the Country Singles Chart. Shame on country radio !!
In 2008, RCA dropped her from the label and she returned home to Australia, where she has had great success and continues to tour.
Her website states:
Over the course of her career Catherine has collected a host of accolades, a legion of fans and a mantel of awards including the country industry’s highest honours, 2009 CMAA Female Artist of the Year Award, 2012 CMAA Single of the Year, 2013 CMAA Female Artist of the Year Award, 2016 Female Artist of the Year, 2017 Vocal Collaboration of The Year for her celebrated single “F U Cancer” as well as APRA Award and CMC Artist of the Year nominations. 6 of Catherine’s albums released to date have been nominated for the ARIA Award for the Best Country Album release, which is a first for any Australian country artist. In 2010, Catherine was also presented with the CMA Global Artist of the Year award.
I tend to feel like Elton John in that I have always thought that she was the “real deal!”
Catherine got a raw deal here in the states. Personally, I believe she could have been as big as Martina McBride or Faith Hill. All too often, station programmers will opt to play crap from an established artists instead of playing a truly great song from a newcomer. Stupid radio/records politics!
She has done quite well for herself in Australia. Her fans love her and support her and she has taken control of her career. Her website says that her latest album, Home Truths, is “Catherine’s first release in over 20 years as a completely independent Australian artist. It’s a decision based on Catherine wanting complete control of her career – and having ownership of her own recording masters and copyrights. That’s something that – now as a parent of two young children – she believes is important – and something to pass on to them.“
“Where We Both Say Goodbye” should have been the song that made America country fans take notice of Catherine Britt. It is a song that proves that she is not only an amazing songwriter, but an amazing singer as well. Her music is deep, heartfelt, and honest. I’m glad that she is enjoying the success she deserves, even if it isn’t here in the US.
My hope is that I have chosen a song that is completely unfamiliar to you. If it makes you want to hear more from Catherine, fantastic. If not, that’s ok too. Music is subjective, right?
Thanks again to Dave for allowing me to take part in this monthly feature. I look forward to reading the rest of the gang’s picks and next month’s topic. Thanks for reading..
For this week’s edition of the Friday Photo Flashback, we go back to Spring Break of 1989. I had graduated high school, was working at my first radio job, and my high school band was heading to Florida to perform at Disney World. My brother was still in band at the time and my parents and I tagged along on the trip as chaperones.
My grandmother and aunt had moved to Florida. At some point on the trip, my grandmother met up with us. If my memory serves me correctly, my friend Steve also came on this trip, and we were hanging out together. I wish I had spent a little more time with my grandma on this trip, but you know how 19 year old kids are …
I love this picture of my mom and my grandma. They both would be diagnosed with breast cancer and their lives would be cut short by it. In this picture, they are both healthy. This is the way I will always remember my grandma. She always seemed to wear her hair that way. It was the late 80’s, so both her and mom have those big round lenses on their glasses. I can see the watch that she always wore, too.
My mom is wearing a T-Shirt with the Kiss-FM logo. That was my first radio job, and I am sure I was still working there when this was taken. What I wouldn’t give to have one of those shirts today! Blonde was not my mother’s natural hair color, but I always loved when she wore it that color. Her hair seems to be a bit short in this picture, too.
The more I look at this photo, the more I think that this was taken just before we all loaded up the busses to head back home, or maybe before my grandma was heading home. Mom is holding shopping bags, so we had probably all just come back from one last trek to buy souvenirs. It is hard to say.
I don’t think this was the same trip (mom’s hair looks longer), but it could be.
When I found out my grandma had cancer, I avoided seeing her. I regret this. A lot. It is one of those things that comes up a lot in my mind. If I could turn back the clock, I would. I didn’t want to see her sick. I remember someone had taken some pictures of her after she had gone through some chemotherapy or radiation and she was a shell of her former self.
Those pictures sort of assured me that I was doing the right thing by not seeing her. Well, at least I thought so. I know now it was not. I should have seen her. I should have called her. I should have held her hand and said I love you. I should have had the chance to say goodbye. In Sinatra’s “My Way,” he says, “Regrets. I’ve had a few…” This is one of my biggest regrets. The only good thing about my not seeing her sick is that when I think of her, she is just as she was in these photos.
I think of these two brave women every October – Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I miss them both very much.
I wanted to do a quick blog about something that has been on my mind for the past couple days. My prayer list seems to get longer and longer each and every day. I can’t even really blame it on the pandemic, although it certainly has played a part in it.
As I scroll through Facebook, I will often come across a friend who is asking for prayers. It could be in relation to the loss of a loved one or maybe a family member who is hospitalized. Sometimes the prayer request is an “open” one where the friend asks for prayer without revealing why they need them. Many times I will stop scrolling and pray at that moment, while other times I add them to a list.
That list is a long one. This week I added two more friends who shared that they have entered the cancer battlefield. They are my age. We went to school together. It’s not fair. God, do I hate cancer!
Breast Cancer cut the lives of my mom and grandmother short. Lung Cancer took the life of a radio friend. Brain cancer took the life of a young gal I met while doing a radiothon for kids with cancer. It doesn’t matter what type of cancer it is, I really hate it. I am grateful for my friends who are cancer survivors – I have many of them and I have prayed for them all.
To my two friends who shared their diagnosis with me and are beginning your battle – I will pray for you and am here for you if you need to vent, cry, or complain. For my friends who continue their fight, I pray for you, too. For those who are in remission and cancer survivors – you are an inspiration to those who are in the fight.
Because of my “real job” work schedule, I have Thursday-Saturdays off. I have my sons three weekends a month, and I love that time with them. One weekend a month, my wife get a “date” weekend. This past weekend was that weekend.
Thursday
Thursday is usually a short day, because I work the night before. I sleep late into the afternoon, and then begin the process of going from “midnight” mode to “daytime” mode. Thursday night, Sam and I didn’t feel like cooking, so we went to our favorite restaurant for dinner.
I LOVE Lucky’s! Not surprising I am a “meat and potatoes” guy. I usually get a Filet Mignon and baked potato. Because I am currently on Weight Watchers, I opted for broccoli instead of the potato this time. I also drank water, instead of beer. The steak was cooked to perfection, as always. I love when a steak is cooked and seasoned so right, you don’t need to put anything in it. I always ask for steak sauce, but never use it.
Friday
Friday is “weigh in” day for me. After the BIG meal the night before, I stepped on the scale hoping I had lost weight. Happily, I was down 4 pounds and that took me to an overall milestone.
What an amazing feeling to be down 31 pounds. Years ago, when I first did Weight Watchers, I hit a 30 pound loss on the week of my 30th birthday. I was a bit lighter then, but I am working toward being down to where I was the first time I did it. The journey continues!
***
I am not ashamed to admit that I’ve been seeing a therapist since before my divorce. I needed to have someone who was non-biased to talk to. It was a decision that I am glad to have made. She has helped me in so many ways. I have learned much about myself, and gained many skills through our visits. I had an appointment Friday morning. She, once again, hit on something that really helped me. I’ve been struggling with something outside of my home life and she helped put some things in perspective. Those moments are awesome. It should help a lot moving forward. It’s always a good thing to be able to talk to someone who sees things in a different way and can offer honest opinions and advice.
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Sam had a practice exam she had to do for her final clinical class. It was a three hour test that is helping her prepare for the actual test she needs to take for her new credentials. While she worked on that, I finished the book I was reading.
Can you imagine America without George Washington? Me either! Hell, he’s one of the first famous people you learn about in elementary school. I went to elementary long before there was President’s Day. When I was in school, we celebrated Washington’s Birthday and Lincoln’s Birthday in February. Washington, the “Father of our Country”, was almost NOT.
This book is a work of non-fiction by one of my favorite authors, Brad Meltzer. As a history buff, I was excited to read this. This all takes place prior to the Revolutionary War, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, and his presidency. As a matter of fact, I was surprised at just how close to the start of the war and July 4, 1776 all this took place.
You get a really good picture as to what kind of man Washington was. Through excerpts of his letters, you see the various struggles he faced and the stress he bore on his shoulders. You really get a sense of the weight and pressure that was on him during this turbulent time in our nation’s history. You also see the “birth” of counter-intelligence. It’s a very good read.
The book takes place prior to the Revolutionary War primarily, but it does touch on the first few battles of it. It mentions the “Culper Ring,” which was a group of spies that Washington used to gain information throughout the war. AMC did a very cool series surrounding the Culper Ring in the series Turn, which I believe is still on Netflix. Ian Kahn played Washington in the series.
I watched the entire series, but now that I have read this book, I think I am going to revisit it.
***
We spent part of the day grocery shopping and we made turkey burgers for dinner. We then retired to the couch to relax. The original plan was to watch a movie, but when we turned the TV on, the Tigers were on, so we watched the game. It was their “Pink Out the Park” game.
As you know, my mother and grandmother both died of breast cancer. I wish I had known that it was “Pink Out” day. If I had, I may have gotten tickets to the game. I LOVE when professional sports supports a cause like this.
The Tigers lost (miserably, I might add). Tiger fans are living through more of the “we are building” stage. Basically, that means we’re going to suck for a few years. Maybe, because of this, I haven’t really been watching or listening to a lot of games this year. At any rate, the game was one of the first ones I really got to sit and listen to the broadcasters.
Matt Shepard and Kirk Gibson were calling the game. I was quite disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, I love Gibby as a ball player, but as an announcer, he is boring and monotone. If there wasn’t a game to watch, and it was just audio, I would have fallen asleep. I guess I was lucky to have watched George Kell and Al Kaline call games on TV, and Ernie Harwell and Paul Carey call games on radio when I was growing up.
***
After the game was over, Sam and I tuned in for one of our favorite shows – Live PD.
I have dissed “reality” shows before. This, however, is not Survivor, the Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent, or those other shows about winning money or a bride. This is real cops doing their job. I LOVE this show! There are some other variations of this show – Live Rescue and PD Cam – which are good too. In my many years on the radio, I have interviewed police, fire, and rescue people before and I ALWAYS made sure to say “thank you.” They are out there putting their lives on the line, saving lives, and keeping us safe. Live PD is a guilty pleasure.
Host Dan Abrams has actually wrote a couple books I want to read: Lincoln’s Last Trial and Theodore Roosevelt for the Defense. Definitely, two to add to my stack of books to read.
Saturday
Saturday started early, as usual, for me. I have to be up early so I can get to the radio station to be on air at 9.
I worked for the Moose years ago full time. I left to take a morning show position. I was so grateful to be asked to return part-time. The staff hasn’t changed much since I left and it’s like returning home to family. I truly enjoy being back there.
***
I woke up Saturday feeling like I might have a sinus infection. This is never a good thing for me. Upon feeling those symptoms, I need to act fast. If I don’t, I wind up with vertigo. Every time I have ever gotten vertigo, it has happened because of a sinus infection. Unlike, Mel Brooks poking fun at it in High Anxiety…..
…it’s not fun. It is crippling! The last time I had it, I couldn’t even sleep in a bed. I had to sleep sitting up. The dizziness is SO bad. I swear, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. You have no control over anything. You can barely turn your head. EVERY little movement can cause you dizziness. It’s awful.
Because of this, Sam and I went to the Urgent Care and I got checked out. Definitely the start of a sinus infection. So they gave me some steroids to bring down the swelling, told me to up the Flonase and sent me on my way. So far – so good. Fingers crossed!
***
While we were filing the fridge Friday night after grocery shopping, Sam pulled out the package of bacon that was in there. She looked at me and said, “You know….BLT’s sound really good. We should do that for dinner tomorrow.” Behold the power of bacon!!
So, we had BLT’s for dinner! “You’re on a diet, though, Keith” you say? Yes, indeed. And Turkey bacon works just as well! Sam had hers on bread and I had mine in a low carb wrap – BLT wraps are just as good!!
The Week Ahead …
I may have a Guest Blogger lined up in response to my earlier blog. If you have a story about us you’d like to share, a favorite memory, or a story that one of my blogs reminded you of – I’d love to hear it. Let me know.
It’s back to work for me, tonight, but I have a very important appointment to keep this week. It can mean some big changes on the horizon. It’s exciting. If all goes well, I will be sharing the “breaking news” in the days ahead ….
Until then … Have a great week. See you Tuesday for Tune Tuesday.
Christopher and I met some time ago and mapped out a project to honor your memory. I have written a few things that will be included in it. Some of them have appeared here on my blog page. I’ve gone through pictures and have picked out favorites. I have other ideas as well, and eventually, we will produce and publish it.
The night Chris and I talked about this project, we exchanged ideas of what we could do. One of my favorite ideas he suggested was to write you a letter. You would think that it would be extremely easy to sit down and write to you, but this one simple idea has turned out to be the most difficult of them all! I have started letters to you more than once, but I cannot seem to be able to finish them. Today, I am going to write this! Through tears and pain, today, I will complete this letter!
Today will mark the 13th Mother’s Day that has passed since you passed away. I won’t even begin to pretend that it gets easier. It doesn’t – I wish you were here. I wish I could once again tell you in person, how grateful and how thankful I am that YOU were chosen to be my mother. I wish you knew how happy it made me growing up to know I was making you proud of me. You were my biggest cheerleader and there have been SO many times that I have needed you since you have been gone.
So many things have changed over the years. There have been countless times that I have wanted to call you. There have been so many times I needed to hear your voice. I have needed your guidance and advice more times than I can count. Before making big decisions, I have found myself asking, “What would mom say about this?” The longing to be able to share just one more conversation with you is ever present, and never seems to go away.
I have been told by so many people that you would be proud of me. I believe that. I graduated college, mom! All those times you told me to go to school and get a degree and I kept playing around on the radio … I’m sure it drove you crazy! Well, I now have that degree! I worked hard for it and earned it – knowing the whole time that it was what you and dad always wanted me to do. Even though you were not there physically, I felt you there in spirit. As I addressed the entire graduating class – I pictured you there, smiling and proud. When I mentioned you in my speech, it was the only time I thought I might break down.
You won’t believe this, but Dante’ is 17 now! He is in high school now! I don’t even know where the time went, mom! He’ll graduate next year! I remember you telling me how fast I grew up and how you couldn’t believe I was graduating…I completely know how you felt. He is quite the young man, mom. He is so friggin’ smart! He has made such an impact on his teachers and friends. They all talk of what a joy he is. He is polite and a gentleman. He is always going out of his way to help people by holding the door and things like that.
You’ll be happy to know that he wants to do something with trains when he graduates. I would venture a guess that it is probably because of that day you took him to the Day Out With Thomas the Tank Engine! He STILL talks about that day. It is a memory that he will never forget – and neither will I. He misses you, too. He never lets me forget your birthday, Mother’s Day, or the anniversary of your passing. We have spent many hours at your grave sharing memories, laughing and crying. He always makes sure that we stop and get flowers for you, when we visit. He will never forget the love you showed him, and you remain one of the most special people in his life – you made quite the impact on him in 4 short years. Both of us are glad that we have so many pictures of you two together!
Remember that day we were all together at dad’s? You were trying to sleep and Dante’ was running around being loud? You laughed and I asked you what was so funny. Do you remember your response? I do. “I hope when you have your next baby that it is another boy. That way, you will know just what kind of stuff you and your brother put your dad and I through!” Well, and I have my suspicions that you played a hand in this, your wish came true. Dimitri was born shortly after you left us.
Blonde hair and blue eyes – I know you’d have spoiled him just as much as you did Dante’! Yes, they fight with each other, just like Chris and I did! There are many times I yell back to them in the car and I can hear you saying the same thing to Chris and me! It’s pretty amazing to put pictures of Chris and me next to pictures of the two of them – it’s crazy how much they look like us! Dimitri loves to sing and is in choir. He’s in middle school now and he’s quite compassionate. He is SO competitive and gives his all and hates to lose! He plays video games and gets into them much like you got into playing that pinball game at the Dugout!
He is always telling us how much he wishes he could have met you. He hears stories from Dante’ and he gets sad. He knows what an amazing grandma you were and he wishes that he could have share some memories with you, like his brother. I wish that he could have, too. I think that’s the only disconnect I have from him. Dante and I can talk about you and the times you shared together, but Dimitri gets sad, because he missed out on that, and that makes me sad, too.
I had a very difficult time after you passed away. There was quite the roller coaster of emotions I had to deal with. I was in a deep state of grief, trying to cope with your death and at the same time, there was the joy of the birth of Dimitri. Factor in the stress of the loss of another radio job, depression, and a variety of other issues and you can guess how messed up I was. I was taking all kinds of medications, altering the dosage, adding new ones and changing to different ones in hopes of finding a way to cope and to be happy. All that did was make me someone I was not. There are times I do not even remember saying or doing things. It took me many years to get through it and to address the issues I was facing. This meant doing some things that took me out of my comfort zone. This meant facing some hard truths about me and where I was in life. This meant severing ties with things and people that were holding me back and forcing me into a whirlwind of unhappiness. It was not a good place for me – or anyone else close to me.
I am ashamed to admit that I thought of ending my life. The unhappiness and depression were very bad. With help from therapy, I was able to look at some things in my life and make a very difficult decision. Divorce was not easy. Coming out on the other side, the true colors of those who I thought cared about me began to show. Rumors and untruths continue to be spread in an attempt to discredit me and make me look bad. You, of all people, know that I am far from perfect. However, it hurt to see how quickly people took sides and believed so many lies. It is hard to not let that bother me, but I have gained some powerful tools through therapy and true friends that have helped. I have been able to move forward.
Mom, all you ever wanted for me was to be happy. I am SO happy today. What I wouldn’t give for you to meet my wife, Sam. She is amazing. She is beautiful. She doesn’t take any crap from anyone! She does what needs to be done and doesn’t make rash decisions. You would like her a lot. She is supportive, honest, responsible, and loves me. I love her more that I could ever explain to you. She is one of the hardest working people I have ever met. She is a true blessing to me. She loves Dad, Rose, and the boys, too. It is because of her, that I am where I am today. She was a lifesaver, mom. She asks about you often and loves to hear me tell stories about you. I want you to know that she is taking good care of your boy, and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Because of all that has transpired, and where I am now, my relationship with Dad and Chris are stronger than they’ve ever been. We speak often on the phone and I have seen them more over the past two years than I probably did through that first marriage. Sam will often ask, “Have you talked to your dad? Did you call your brother?” It’s pretty amazing. She knows how things were in the past, and refuses to let that continue. While I am glad to have those relationships thrive, it makes me sad that I missed SO many things with you during that time. I should have stood up more and made sure we spent more time with you – I regret that so very much. For that, I am sorry.
It hurts to look back and know what I could have and should have changed. Hindsight is 20/20. Oh, the things I would have done different! I would have called more, mom. I would have made more time to come visit. I would have told you I love you, every chance I got. The list of “should haves” “could haves” and “would haves” is SO long!!! There are things that I wish I would have wrote down or asked you. So many things that left with you that I can only wish that I had asked about.
Oh, and before I forget to mention it – thanks for your letter. We found them almost a year after you left us. It was probably the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Here was a letter to me that you had written years before Dante’ was born. “Know that I love you” was the first thing you told me. I think it probably took me 20 minutes to compose myself after reading that line. My eyes are welling up with tears right now as I remember it. Thank you for that. I have it, along with the tissue I wiped your tears away with on your last night here and other things that remind me of you. I only wish that you had been able to write something to Dante’ – I know he would treasure that as much as he treasures the photo book you made him with those pictures from Thomas the Train.
13 years gone and yet it still seems like yesterday. So many holidays without you. So many birthdays. 13 Mother’s Days. I hope that you always knew how much I loved you and still love you. I hope you know how much I miss you. I hope you know that even though there were things we didn’t see eye to eye on everything, I was glad that God chose to make you my mom.
Thank you, mom, for all you gave me. Thank you for the many days you stayed home with me when I was sick. Thank you for the hours of phone calls containing laughter and tears. Thanks for the memories that will live on in my heart and soul. Thank you for putting band aids on cuts and scrapes. Thank you for singing off key in the car. Thank you for being such a wonderful grandma. Thanks you for your wisdom. Thank you for understanding hugs. Thank you for telling dad things I told you not to tell him. Thanks for every single thing you did for me – there is probably not enough room on the internet to list them all. Most of all, thank you for being my mom. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I miss you and will forever love you.
“See you later”
Love always, your son,
Keith
“My mind knows you are gone, but my heart will never be able to accept it.”
Various Ramblings of a Nostalgic Italian 