Holiday History (Part 2)

51 years ago on this day, December 10, 1974, my all time favorite Christmas special aired for the first time. Long time readers of this blog are familiar with it for sure – The Year Without a Santa Claus. Back in 2019, I wrote an entire piece on the special for a blog-a-thon. Here it is updated a bit:

Rankin and Bass Productions produced many holiday television specials. Many of these were based on songs (1964’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, 1968’s Little Drummer Boy, 1969’s Frosty the Snowman, and 1970’s Santa Claus is Coming to Town). Along with How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Charlie Brown Christmas, these holiday specials were something that I (and many children) looked forward to watching every year.

So what makes these specials so special? Here are my thoughts: First of all, many of them were produced using a stop-motion animation process called “Animagic”. Animagic was used on shows like Puppetoons, Gumby, and Davey and Goliath. Compared to the advances we see in animation today, these specials shot with this primitive process still hold up and are entertaining.

Second, many are based on familiar Christmas songs. We know the songs and the stories, but the specials elaborate on them. We know the story of Frosty – but the song doesn’t mention Professor Hinkle (and we know we need his magic hat). We know the story of Rudolph – but there is no mention of Yukon Cornelius, Hermie, or Bumbles in the song (and we know Yukon saved Rudolph’s life). We know the story of Santa Claus – but the song doesn’t mention the Burgermeister Meisterburger (who is responsible for him going down chimneys) or the Winter Warlock (who gives Santa his magic snowball so he can see if you’ve been bad or good).

Next, you have the wonderful musical score and additional songs throughout the specials. Maury Laws, who sadly passed away in March of 2019 at age 95, was the music director for almost every Rankin and Bass production. He conducted and arranged so much of the wonderful music heard in these specials. Along with the title songs, who can forget “Holly Jolly Christmas”, “We Are Santa’s Elves”, “Silver and Gold”, “There’s Always Tomorrow”, “Put One Foot in Front of the Other”, “No More Toymakers to the King” and so many others?!

Finally, and maybe most importantly, the voice work of some very talented actors and actresses make the Rankin and Bass specials so very entertaining. I read somewhere that they really tried to find unique voices for their characters. They did have their own company of actors (Paul Soles, Larry Mann, Billie Richards, Paul Klingman, and Paul Frees), but they were able to get some “star power” for narrators and other characters. Think about the voices of Jimmy Durante, Jackie Vernon (who was known for his blue comedy work), Buddy Hackett, Shirley Booth, Mickey Rooney, Fred Astaire, and Burl Ives. They all had very unique voices that were perfect for these characters!

The Year Without A Santa Claus

The Year Without a Santa Claus originally aired on the ABC TV Network on December 10, 1974. The story is not based on a song, but is based on a poem/book. In 1956, Good Housekeeping magazine published the poem “The Year Without a Santa Claus” which was written by Phyllis McGinley. It was so popular that it was turned into a picture book the following year with illustrations by Kurt Werth.

In 1968, 6 years before the Rankin and Bass special, just a few months before he passed Boris Karloff (who narrated How The Grinch Stole Christmas) narrated an LP record version of the story/poem that was available on Capitol Records.

The poem tells of a year where Santa decides to take a vacation because he is feeling old and worn out. As the children of the world hear of this, they become very sad and cannot imagine a Christmas without Santa. There is one boy, Ignatius Thistlewhite, who takes a stand and explains that even Santa needs a vacation. He explains that Christmas is not only about receiving, but about giving. The children of the world launch a big campaign to give back to Santa and send him gifts to show him how much they love him. He is so moved by this gesture that he decides not to take the vacation and goes out on his annual flight like every other year.

Rankin and Bass Version

(Note: Spoilers) For the most part, the special follows the poem/book, with some minor and major changes. Shirley Booth plays Mrs. Claus, who tells us the story. This would be Shirley’s last acting role, as she retired after her part was completed. Santa is played by Mickey Rooney, who also played Santa in the Rankin/Bass special Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

In the special, Santa is sick. He is advised by his overly honest and grumpy doctor to stay home. The doctor also tells him nobody care about Christmas, and that no one believes in him anymore! Santa, feeling that his doctor may be right, decides to cancel Christmas for the first time ever.

Mrs. Claus, however, feels that it wouldn’t be fair to the children, and has a plan. She sends two Christmas elves, Jingle and Jangle, along with reindeer Vixen into the world to prove that there is still Christmas Spirit and that children still believe in Santa. Jingle and Jangle provide some comic relief (I always sensed a Laurel and Hardy vibe with them). Bob McFadden voices Jingle, while Bradley Bolke (best known as Chumley in the Tennessee Tuxedo cartoons) voices Jangle.

Santa knows his wife is up to something and gets her to explain just what she’s got going on. He is aghast to learn that the elves and Vixen are heading into the world. In a bit of foreshadowing, he mentioned that they’ll be lucky to make it past the Miser Brothers. The Miser Brothers are easily two of the most memorable characters ever created by Rankin and Bass, more on them shortly. As the elves fly directly into their path, the are shot down by Heat Miser (who calls them members of “the Santa Claus Gang”). Vixen and the elves narrowly escape and wind up landing in a place called Southtown USA.

While in Southtown, they find a lack of Christmas Spirit, and children (one of them Ignatius “Iggy” Thistlewhite, mentioned earlier) skeptical that Santa even exists. Things go from bad to worse in Southtown, as the elves receive a ticket and then Vixen is taken to the pound by the dog catcher (who thinks she is a dog). The elves are told by the policeman to see the mayor if they want to free Vixen.

Santa, who is now on a mission to save Vixen and the elves, has also flown down (on Dasher) to Southtown in search of them. He seems to be a step or two behind them. He runs into Iggy as he is coming home, introduces himself as “Mr. Clowze” and asks if he has seen his friends. Iggy replies that he has, but when Santa sneezes, Iggy’s mom invites him in for tea to help his cold.

While at the table, he learns that the elves were asking if he believed in Santa Claus. Iggy asks the old gent if HE believes in Santa Claus. He admits that he does in song, and we learn that Iggy’s dad actually saw Santa as boy, and he still believes. Iggy then tells Santa about the mess that the elves were in and that the dog catcher has their “dog”. Santa, worried about Vixen, jumps on his reindeer and flies away, not caring that he is in plain sight of the family. Iggy now realizes who Mr. Clowze really is and decides he is going to help Jingle and Jangle.

Santa pays a fine to the dog catcher and decides it is best to take Vixen home. Meanwhile, Iggy and the elves tell the mayor their story and the mayor laughs in disbelief. He does not believe that they are Christmas Elves, or any bit of their story!

He does, however, agree to free Vixen (and give Santa a holiday) if they can PROVE they are elves (who he says can do magic) and make it snow in Southtown, where it hasn’t snowed in over 100 years! Knowing that they are in a spot, they call Mrs. Claus to help. When she arrives, they go to see Snow Miser.

The Miser Brothers, Snow Miser and Heat Miser, are the offspring of Mother nature. Snow Miser controls all of the cold weather on the earth, while Heat Miser controls all the warm weather. There is no doubt that these two characters are the stand outs in this holiday special. The characters are larger than life. They are two step brothers, who obviously dislike and despise each other. We got a glimpse of them both early on, but now we get their official “introductions”.

Each Miser Brother has his own introductory song, with choreography and dancing minions. Each song is a boost to their egos as they admit that they are both “too much”!

Snow Miser is voiced by the amazing Dick Shawn, while Heat Miser is voiced by George S. Irving. Both were very well known character actors and each play their roles to the utmost. Shawn’s Snow Miser is a friendly guy who is full of puns and energy, while Irving’s Heat Miser is a miserable grouch!

It would just be wrong for me NOT to post a link to their songs – which are truly the highlights of the special!

Mrs. Claus arrives and asks Snow Miser for a snow storm. He will gladly oblige! However, when he hears where they need it to snow, he tells them he cannot help because the South is under Heat Miser’s control, and they must get his permission. Upon arriving at Heat Miser’s volcano, and listening to his song, he is obviously miffed at his visitors. He even accuses Santa of going out “doing commercials” for his brother. When the ask to let it snow in Southtown, he refuses at first, but then says he will allow it to snow there if he can provide a nice sunny day at the North Pole. The two brothers bicker on the phone and Mrs. Claus stops them and says that she is going over their heads. She is taking this to their mother – Mother Nature!

Despite the fact that the brothers, the elves, and Mrs. Claus are all a bit scared of Mother nature, she is a pleasant lady. She summons her boys with thunder and lightening (very reminiscent of the old Chiffon margarine ads that featured Mother Nature). With some initial bickering, she eventually gets the boys to agree. Snow Miser will allow a nice warm day at the North Pole and Heat Miser will let it snow in the south.

Once the snow hits Southtown, the mayor finally believes Jingle and Jangle and gets on the phone with all the mayors around the world. They officially declare a national holiday for Santa. The newspapers proclaim this “Day Off For Santa!” and the word spreads from pole to pole! With this news, all of the children begin to send letters and presents to Santa to show their appreciation for him and wish him a happy holiday. Santa receives one letter from a little girl who says she’ll have a Blue Christmas without him (and the song accompanies this)…

Santa is very moved by this letter, and the outpouring of gifts and love by the children of the world. He decides that it is ridiculous for him to take the night off! Christmas is back on again! He tells the elves to load up the sleigh and his ride begins by going down “Santa Claus Lane” in Southtown, USA.

At the end of the special, Mrs. Claus reminds us that somehow, “yearly, newly, faithfully, and truly” Santa ALWAYS comes!

Final Thoughts

In 2006, NBC remade this classic into a live-action special that was a huge disappointment. In 2008, ABC Family aired “A Miser Brothers’ Christmas” which, despite having a few of the original voice actors, was also something that never achieves the magic of the original.

Had The Year Without a Santa Claus simply told the story of the poem or book, it would easily be classified as a typical and standard Christmas special. However, Rankin and Bass take it above and beyond that. They make it a truly wonderful story with great characters, wonderful voice actors, well known and original music that brings a smile to my face each and every year! When I listen to the radio and hear “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”, “Frosty the Snowman” and “Holly Jolly Christmas” from other TV specials, I find myself wondering why stations don’t take a chance and play the Miser Brothers songs? Every time I mention this special to someone – they IMMEDIATELY know them and their songs!! It’s a missed opportunity!

I can still remember the first time my brother and I sat in front of the TV to watch this. I remember over the years checking the TV guide to see if and when it would air again. When it was available on home video/DVD, I made sure I had a copy. It was one of the first specials I shared with my sons. I still tear up when Santa is reading about the little girl’s Blue Christmas. I sing along with the Miser Brothers. My heart doubles in size when Santa declares that Christmas isn’t cancelled. And every time I watch it, I am laying on the floor in front of the TV with my younger brother next to me … and I am 6 years old all over again.

It’s International Joke Day!

In honor of International Joke Day:

Rabbit Joke

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you jerk. Someone has stolen our tent.”

Dead Duck

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.

A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.

“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.

“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“

“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”

The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“

The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.

“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“

Jokes From Soupy

Some Laughs From Soupy

I have to include my favorite Buddy Hackett joke. Go to the 3:00 mark of this clip from the Tonight Show for his famous Duck Joke.

LAUGH today! Share your favorite jokes in the comments if you wish ….

Modern Tech Can Ruin A Classic

As a fan of old movies and old TV shows, I sometimes find myself thinking about how modern technology can immediately take an entire show or movie and destroy it. Just to prove my point, I will quickly look at a movie that I have been meaning to write about for some time – It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963).

This movie is a classic and almost anyone who is anyone in comedy was in it. The main characters are played by Spencer Tracy, Milton Berle, Sid Caesar, Mickey Rooney, Jonathan Winters, and Buddy Hackett. There are countless comedian cameos throughout the entire movie.

Here is a quick synopsis: A criminal who has been just released from prison has a car accident and drives off a cliff. Five motorists who witness the accident rush down to help the driver (Jimmy Durante) who is fatally injured. Just before he dies, he tells the motorists about $350,000 that he has buried in Santa Rosita State Park under “a big W.”

As police arrive, and question the motorists (who say nothing about the money), they climb back up to their cars and all eventually pull over to discuss what has transpired. They decide that they will all go to see if there even is any money, but first begin arguing over the best way to divide up the money between themselves.

After failing to come up with a satisfactory way to split the money, it becomes every man for himself and everyone begins racing each other to the park. What they don’t know is that they are all being watched by a police captain who has been following the case for years. The remainder of the movie consists of car chases, plane mishaps, car thefts, and plenty of property destruction as the motorists race across the country to get to the money first.

You don’t have to think hard about what piece of modern technology would stop the plot of this movie dead in its tracks – a cell phone.

All these motorists would have to do is call someone close by to look for the money, right? As a matter of fact, in the film Ethel Merman’s character calls her son (Dick Shawn) to tell him about the money because he lives close by. However, the son is so dumb and doesn’t listen to her and gets in his car and drives toward her instead of to the money.

Sid Caesar’s character charters a plan for him and his wife and the actually arrive in town first. They go to a hardware store to buy tools to dig with. They enter the store as the store closes for lunch (who does that anymore?) and are locked in the basement. A cell phone would have easily allowed them to call for help. Without the cell phone, however, he and his wife manage to destroy the basement of the store with fire and even dynamite!

It’s funny to think about how modern technology could change or completely erase story plot. The characters only knew that the money was buried under a “Big W.” They didn’t even know what that meant! Many of them were shown driving in their cars guessing what it could be (A water tower, or a windmill). Today, you could simply type into Google or ask Siri, “What’s a Big W located in Rosita Beach State Park?”

You could easily watch countless movies and TV shows from the past and say, “That would never happen today!” Think about how many old detective shows or courtroom shows would be different just because of the use of DNA evidence today?

What IS important is to sit back and watch these classics understanding the culture of the day and remembering the time frame they were created in.

What are your thoughts?

National Humor Month Suggestion

April is National Humor Month and I only recently discovered that Sirius XM had added a comedy channel that I really have enjoyed. The Comedy Classics channel can be found for a limited time on Channel 104. Here is what Radio Insight quoted from the press release:

This is not a prank: SiriusXM announced today a new channel, Comedy Classics, that will honor timeless stand-up from the 1950s-1970s. The line-up includes iconic moments from legends who shaped the landscape and defined comedy for generations. The limited run channel is available now on SiriusXM channel 104.

Building on SiriusXM’s enormous classic stand-up library, the channel will add material from legendary comedians like Bob Hope, Jonathan Winters, and the infamous Friars Club Roasts that paved the way for the comedy that we love today. SiriusXM’s Comedy Classics now pays tribute to these icons showcasing their immense talent and funniest moments. In addition to the aforementioned legends, each week the channel will spotlight both never-before-heard and rare stand-up highlights that haven’t been heard in decades, featuring comedy from Jackie Gleason, Buddy Hackett, The Smothers Brothers, Flip Wilson, and more.

Also not to be missed are Bob Hope’s Thanks for The Memories special, stand-up from The Garry Moore Show, and the Colgate Comedy Special featuring Nipsey Russel, Rowan & Martin, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks, and more.

“Whether you’re feeling nostalgic, looking to discover the roots of modern-day comedy, or just hankering for a great laugh, Comedy Classics will appeal to a wide range of listeners,” said Jack Vaughn, SiriusXM’s Senior Vice President of Comedy Programming. “The era provided such a wealth of amazing talent, material, and inspiration that we had to properly honor it with its very own channel.”

Comedy Classics is available now on channel 104, and will subsequently be available exclusively on the SiriusXM app and desktop player.

What I have really enjoyed is hearing some of the early stand up stuff from guys like Jon Byner, Buddy Hackett, Johnny Carson, Richard Pryor and more. Some of these cuts are taken from the Ed Sullivan Show and other TV appearances. Others are cuts from classic comedy albums. What I enjoyed listening to the most are the cuts from the Friar’s Roasts and the Dean Martin Roasts.

Some of the material is dated and some of it might be considered “politically incorrect” today, but I found myself enjoying much of it!

Want a laugh? Check it out!

Happy Thoughts

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I once heard someone say, “In a world of darkness – be the light.” If I may alter that quote just a bit … “In a world of negativity – be the positive.” You wouldn’t know it, but it has been a very challenging couple weeks for me. I just have to keep reminding myself that “some people are just not happy unless they are trying to make others unhappy.”

Here are some things that made me happy this week:

Bless You Boys!

I was reminded that 35 years ago this week, the Detroit Tigers beat the San Diego Padres in the 1984 World Series. Remembering that amazing season always brings a smile to my face. In the final game, Kirk Gibson faced Goose Gossage. There was some chatting at the mound because they couldn’t decide whether or not to walk him or pitch to him. Gibby launched an amazing homerun off him! I can still remember Vin Scully calling it by saying, “And there it goes!!!!” Pandemonium! I rewatched that video more than once this week!

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Autumn Leaves

The leaves are changing. Fall is probably my favorite season. It makes me think of high school homecoming parades and football games. It makes me think of Alumni Band. It makes me think of sitting around bonfires in hooded sweatshirts. It makes me think of those last few weekends up north closing up the trailer for winter. I love the beauty of autumn. Here in Michigan, we have such wonderful fall colors. I love to walk outside in the fall and just get lost in thought. Fall makes me happy.

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Here’s Johnny!

This month Sirius XM Radio has a Johnny Carson channel (105) and they are playing old episodes of The Tonight Show. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I am loving these! Johnny was the best. These dated monologues are still funny today! Today, I laughed a little bit harder than I should have at one of the jokes. He was talking about a previous joke he did about McDonalds. He then asked “Have you ever been to the Beverly Hills (California) McDonalds? They serve escargot there. They call them, McSlugs!”

Listening to his reactions to when a joke bombs is just hilarious! His banter with Ed and Doc is also very funny. It’s been great to hear classic interviews with Mel Brooks, Eli Wallach, Buddy Hackett, Don Rickles and more! It’s also been neat to hear some of the early stand up from Jerry Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres, Garry Shandling, and others. He was a master – and he still makes me laugh.

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Baby Kicks

I have saved the best thing for last. My wife is 22 weeks along now and she has been feeling our baby move. Earlier in the week, she started to feel baby kicks. We were lying in bed this week and she said the baby was kicking. She placed my hand exactly where she was feeling them, and I felt her kick! It was light, but it was there!

Baby’s-Kicks-During-Pregnancy

I don’t care how many times I feel it, it still amazes me! My wife feels her move a whole lot more than me, so to feel this little “bump” against my palm makes me more and more excited for her arrival! It gets more and more real as we get closer. I get emotional thinking about it. She’s going to be here soon! We’ll be able to hold her and kiss her. I’ve been creating my “Bedtime Song List” for her. There are some favorites that I sang with my boys when they were babies, and I will be singing them for her too. I probably need to start working on “Daddy’s Little Girl” and “My Special Angel” – songs that I obviously couldn’t sing to my boys!

February will be here before we know it – and I am sure there will be many stories to be shared about her here!

Final Thought

It really isn’t hard to find things that make you happy. Look around – they are right there! Find the happy & SMILE!

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A Few Laughs …

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The great Red Skelton once said “Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.” In a world where there is so much sadness, sometimes you need to be the one to share something funny or make someone laugh. As I take a break from musical blogging – here are some quotes that I hope will make you smile and laugh.

“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.'” – Steven Wright

“According to most studies, people’s No.1 fear is public speaking. No.2 is death. Death is No.2. Does that sound right? This means, to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” – Nick Helm

“A government survey reveals the prime minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.” – Ronnie Corbett

“God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin

‘Got a waterbed to spice up our love life. Doesn’t work, we’ve drifted further apart.’ – Keith Chegwin

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’” – Conan O’Brien

“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.” -Demetri Martin

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. – David Letterman

Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera. – Don Rickles

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead. – Garry Shandling

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? – George Carlin

Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type ‘lol’. I type ‘lqtm’ – laugh quietly to myself. It’s more honest. – Demetri Martin

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. – Groucho Marx

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays. – Henny Youngman

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. – Johnny Carson

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. – Milton Berle

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. – Rodney Dangerfield

Director Mel Brooks said, “Humor is just another defense against the universe.” The universe has no shortage of things to make us unhappy. Every day we see sadness and unpleasant images in the news. Defend yourself against the evil and the pain. Arm yourself to take on life’s challenges – by smiling … by laughing.