Sunday Funny

The world’s leading expert on European wasps enters a record store. He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

“What seems to be the problem, sir?”

“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

Musical Story

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven’s Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

There’s a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don’t have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
There used to be a tavern called Dez’s 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, “Shouldn’t we be getting back? It’d be awfully embarrassing if we were late.”

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, “Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor’s score. When he gets down to there, Milton’s going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other.”

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor’s face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all…

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

A “Story” from Mr. Balos

As April is National Humor Month, I began to think about blogging some of my favorite jokes. One came to mind immediately, but I have to give a little backstory before I tell it.

Manny Balos was one of the coolest teachers at my high school. He was originally the band director, and he eventually taught history and some other classes. He taught a class which was an “elective” for seniors called “Life in America.” Today, one might call this a “blow off class.” Throughout the class there were units on Old Radio Shows, Classic TV shows, Country Music, Pop Music, Rock Music and more. It was a blast.

Mr. Balos always wrapped up class about 5 minutes before the bell rang, and told the class a joke (or jokes). However, he never called them jokes. He told us “stories.” One of my favorite “stories,” I later found out was a joke that had been around for some time and actually appeared on a song recorded by the Gaylords. They were two Italian brothers who were singers and comedians.

When Mr. Balos told this “story” he told it with a heavy and exaggerated Italian accent. I realize that by posting it here in written form, it will never do the “story” justice. Manny had a wonderful way of telling them. I’ll do my best to remember it …. here goes:

A little Italian man is flying to America. He is flying on a two engine plane over the ocean. A few minutes into the flight, the captain comes over the intercom:

“Welcome to Alitalia Airlines. This isa you Captain speaking. We gotta beautiful day for flying. We gonna be a cruising at about 45,000 feets and it looka like we gotta smooth sailing. Sitta back and enjoy you flight.”

A few minutes later, the captain is once again on the intercom:

“Ladies and gentleman, this isa you Captain speaking. It looks like we’re having some-a trouble with the right engine. But it’s a nothing to worry about. We gonna be fine. Justa relax, and enjoy the rest of you flight.”

The passenger relaxes into his seat. About 30 minutes later, a voice comes back over the intercom:

“Hello?! This isa you Captain speaking, again. We have lost the right engine, but don’t you worry, we gotta nother one on the left side that will get us where we going. It’s a no problem. But as a precaution, we wanna ask every body who knows how to swim to move to the right side of the plane, and those who no can swim, go to the left side of the plane. It’s a no big deal, it’s just a precaution. Have a some wine and enjoy the rest of you flight.”

Shortly after that there was a loud noise and again the voice came over the intercom:

“April Day! April Day!” I guess he meant to say May Day, but he got it wrong. “This isa you Captain speaking again. We lost the other engine and it looks like we are gonna have to make a splash landing in da water! Those of you on the right side of the plane who know how to swim, don’t you worry. When we hit the water, make a you way to the exit signs and jump in the water, and swim straight ahead. We are only about a mile or so from land. Those of you who are onna da left side of the plane ……. Thank you for flying Alitalia Airlines.”

(Rim Shot)

No one told this story better than Manny …..

UPDATE:

After posting this blog, I was asked to find the video we made of Manny telling his favorite stories. I found the DVD that my buddy Steve made from the original VHS tape and converted it for YouTube. Here is the “Best of Manny” recorded in 1988….

The one, the only – Manny Balos!!!