Tag: Hurt

A Blog I’ve Been Avoiding

After much thought, I have decided to sit and write about something that is really hurting me. I am writing this for the sole purpose of talking about it in hopes that it will calm my inner soul to “get it out.” Please bear with me.

Today is my second son’s birthday. He is 15 today. He lives with his mother (my ex). I’m supposed to see him three weekends a month. I’m not sure exactly when it all started happening, but at some point those visits were based on whether or not he wanted to come over.

A few days before I was texting him to ask if he was coming over. He would answer on occasion, but not always. His mother told me a few months ago that she assumed I wasn’t asking him to come over. She suggested a text conversation that included my son, her and me. Since then, I have texted and asked him if he was coming over and wouldn’t get a response from either one of them.

The last time he was over was early May. When we got Covid, I texted to say that it might be a week or two before he should come over. After getting clearance to go back to work, I texted and said, “Cleared to go back to work. Hope to see you this weekend.” A few days later I texted to see if he was planning to come over. This text he responded to. “No Thanks.”

On my birthday, I received a call from my oldest son, but never heard a word from my second oldest. I sent him a text on the first weekend of June asking if he was planning on coming over and got no response this time.

My oldest son has a Facebook messenger group that includes his friends, his friends parents, his brother, and my ex and I. They are always communicating on this thing. Lately, each family has been hosting a get together every weekend. One family has a pond in their back yard that they can all swim in. My sons were there the second weekend of June, so again, no visit.

Father’s Day weekend there was a fair in town and they were discussing going there. I believe they went Friday and Sunday, but had talked about going Saturday, too. My oldest son stated that he worked on Saturday and so they planned on just Friday and Sunday – Sunday, of course, being Father’s Day.

With the group discussing the fair, my ex chimed in and said that the 4 of them (her, my sons, and her boyfriend) should go to the fair in the morning. Then she suggested they “Chill before we do the Father’s Day dinner.” Because of this, I didn’t text my son to see if he was coming, because they obviously had plans.

I had to wonder, though, shouldn’t the “Father’s Day dinner” be with their father?! Apparently not.

On Sunday, my oldest son called me to wish me Happy Father’s Day. He asked what my plans for the day were. I told him that I didn’t know what I was going to do. I said I might head to the store, but other than that, I’d be home. Deep down, I expected him to ask if he could stop over, but he didn’t. It was ok, I knew he had plans.

I never heard from my other son.

I didn’t text this week to see if he was coming. I knew his birthday fell on Saturday and that his mom probably had something planned for him. There is certainly no way, he’d want to be with me. So I dropped a birthday card in the mail earlier in the week. I am sure that it has already arrived. I’m not surprised that I haven’t gotten a “Thank you” yet.

I cannot describe how much it hurts to be shunned by your child. I have reached out so many times, without getting a response. I understand that the divorce wasn’t easy for him. Hell, it wasn’t easy for any of us. But in the end, it was the thing that had to happen. When he uses phrases that his mom has used in conversation with me, like “your other family” and such, I know where they came from.

I saw a quote as I debated whether or not to write this blog:

“I wish I could give you my pain just for one moment. Not to hurt you, but rather so you can finally understand how much you hurt me.”

He is a teenager. He’s got a lot of things going on. He has depression. He has had a very rough year in school. There are a whole lot of feelings he is sorting through. I will hope and pray that one day – when he is ready – we can once again have a relationship and move past all of this stuff. That’s all I can do. It really is up to him.

The hurt is real for me. He is my son. I love him. I will never NOT be his dad, despite what others may be telling him. I will be here for him. In the meantime, I will continue to reach out.

It is also is important not to let these things interfere with or disrupt my life with my wife and other children. They need the best of me. I need to provide for them, too. I have to be a good father and husband to them, as well – and I will.

So there it is. It’s out. I hope that writing down at least some of my thoughts will help me. Thanks for listening/reading.

We now return to your regularly entertaining blog….

My Heart Aches

Andy Marlette 2017

Just shy of 6 months ago, a school shooting happened 45 miles from my home in Oxford, Michigan. It happened at the high school. 4 students were killed and 7 were injured. 10 days ago, there was a mass shooting in Buffalo, NY at the Tops Supermarket that took the lives of 10 people. Today, another mass shooting at an elementary school that killed 19 students and a teacher.

From NPR:

Education Week as been tracking school shootings since 2018. According to its database, 119 such incidents have taken place since then. There were 27 school shootings with injuries or deaths this year.

The Gun Violence Archive, an independent data collection organization, has counted 212 mass shootings that have occurred so far this year, as of Tuesday. It defines a mass shooting as an incident in which four or more people were shot or killed, excluding the shooter.

As for school shootings, according to Education Week, 2021 had 34 such incidents at educational institutions (the highest since the organization started its database). In 2020, there were 10 shootings. Both 2019 and 2018 recorded 24 shootings.

Mass shootings are becoming more and more common. I read a blog today that said: I’m not trying to be glib, but mass killings in America have become a bit like living near train tracks. The trains routinely rumble past, but we are so used to it, we stop noticing them after a while. (The blog was pointlessoverthinking.com) I truly hope this is not the case.

It is sickening to me. For the life of me, I cannot understand what motivates someone to do something like this. 19 children – elementary school children with bright futures ahead of them – had their lives taken away from them. 19 families – parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles – all will mourn the loss of someone near and dear to them for many months and years ahead.

Obtained from politicalcartoons.com

How many children told their parents they loved them for the last time this morning? How many parents said they’d see them later when dropping them off at school? How many had plans to go to dinner with family after school? It is SO upsetting to me.

Sam and I were discussing preschools and schools just this weekend. We’d also talked about home schooling as well a few months ago. It scares me to think about it.

I know that “active shooter” and “lock down” drills have become a regular thing in schools today. However, I think about those elementary kids. Do they even know to run? If a gun was going off in a building it would be loud and scary. I know many a child who would just stand there and cry.

When the story about the shooting broke today, it originally stated that 2 children had died. That number quickly grew to 14 and now 19. The numbers don’t matter, because one child is too many. I feel tremendously sad for the families of those children, the children who survived, and the entire community.

Deep down, I also feel anger. I’m not starting a political debate here, please don’t make it that. I am angry that there is so much violence and hatred in the world. I am angry that children cannot be children and have to live ever so cautiously. I’m angry that parents, who already naturally worry about their children, now have more worries than necessary.

Whitney Houston sang, “I believe children are our future.” She wasn’t alone in feeling that way.

Nelson Mandela
Zig Ziglar
President John F, Kennedy

Our children ARE IMPORTANT! It is our job to do what we can to keep them safe. We are to raise them to respect others and to be kind. We are to teach them to be honest and show gratitude. We are to teach them integrity. We are to teach them to forgive and to be compassionate toward others. We are to teach them to be determined and perseverance. We are to teach them to be responsible. We are to teach them that it is ok to fail. We are to teach them love.

I pray that the senseless events of Tuesday will cause us to look for ways to protect our children at all costs. The hurt, the anger, the sadness, and the violence needs to stop.

A Brief Personal Observation

While the last couple months or so have been full of wonderful events and happy memories, there is something that is bothering me. I have found that it has always helped to write about things when they bug me, so I am going to just throw a few thoughts out there to get them off my chest (in a round about way).

I’ve been able to really shut a lot of this out of my mind. I have been good about staying focused on the things that I can control and ignoring (in a sense) the things that I cannot control. I have put the negatives away (as much as possible) and tried to enjoy the positives. Every now and then, something happens and things “bubble over” and can make you break down. That happened today.

I was hurt today. Ok, I’ve been hurt quite a few times in the past few months. Let me say, that’s ok. I get it. I understand why and the catalyst behind it. I understand the way things are twisted and turned to make things seem like something they are not. Today, all the stuff just kind of hit me.

Today, as I held my one year old daughter before work. I looked into her eyes as she sat on my lap. She smiled as I put my hat on her head. She giggled as I sat with her. In that moment, I was reminded that this beautiful little girl has an unlimited amount of unconditional love for her daddy. I am perfect in her sight. I make her laugh. I am silly. I will be there to hold her when she hurts herself. I’m her hero. I’m her daddy and she loves me unconditionally.

As she grows, and there are rules to follow and disagreements, I know dad might make her angry. I hope that she will understand that those things are there to keep her safe and because I love her. I pray that she will never ever get to the point where she doesn’t want to see me or not be a part of my life anymore. That is a pain that is unbearable. It hurts terribly.

I don’t even know how to mend that fence. It’s kind of like the Biblical story of the prodigal son. I guess I just continue to love them and hope that one day the “prodigal sons” will return. One thing is for sure, my unconditional love for my children will never cease.