Young Fear

My son gets a weekly visit from Head Start. She brings over projects for them to do and works with him on fine motor skills, coloring, cutting, and such. He and my daughter love this visit.

My wife was talking to the Head Start lady as she was getting ready to leave. I didn’t hear the beginning of the story, but it was about a kid whose mother was shopping and had no idea that the child wasn’t with her. “How do you not know your child is not with you?” was one of the questions that was asked.

I was immediately taken back to a day that I barely remember. I remember certain things about it, and I probably should have called my dad to get a clearer version of the story before I write this. For now, here is my side.

This would have been in the early 70’s. There were no cell phones. We were told not to go with strangers, but times were a lot different than they are today. We could go out when we got up and stay out until dark without checking in and our folks never gave it a second thought.

I remember my family went to the mall. My mom went off with my brother who may have only been 2 or 3 at the time. I was probably about 5 or 6. I had yet to get glasses, so my eyesight was not the greatest. I remember I was standing in whatever store my dad and I were in (probably Kresge) and we had walked down the toy aisle. I was looking at some sort of car or truck and dad was ready to move on. “Time to put that down, Keith. Let’s go find your mom.” “I’ll be right there,” was my reply.

I do not know how long afterward I stood there looking at the other toys on the shelf, but it couldn’t have been that long. I remember when I finally did look up, I couldn’t find my dad. I remember standing there and feeling like everything around me was a blur. I didn’t see which way he went. I just stood there. I am sure I began crying.

I remember a man asking me something. I was so scared I don’t really know what he said. I don’t remember if he took me to a store employee, if they made an announcement over the PA, from this point it is pretty much a blur. Long story short – my dad and I were reunited.

I don’t recall him yelling at me or lecturing me, but I am sure he did. I only remember the next part because of how unusual it was. We rarely (except for holidays) went to my grandparents house at night. That night, however, we went there and my dad told them what happened.

I remember sitting at the head of the dining room table with the chandelier above it turned on. I remember the heads and faces of my parents and grandparents telling me how dangerous a situation it was. I remember hearing how lucky I was that someone didn’t snatch me away. I was told how worried they were when they couldn’t find me.

Because it was dark out and I was at the kitchen table, I felt like I was in a film noir interrogation room!

As a parent, I completely understand what my parents must have experienced that night. My kids are SO fast when they are out and about. They can be gone in a flash. In a split second, I can lose sight of them. It is a parent’s worst nightmare.

I pray that I never EVER have to go through what my dad and mom did with me. I suppose this same kind of situation is what led to someone creating the “leash backpacks” for kids.

I’ve been scared many times in my life, but even though I was very young, I can still remember the terror I felt that day!

A Couple Dad Stories

Weekend in the Dollhouse?

When people ask me if I watch certain shows on television, I have to remind them that I have toddlers at home. The shows I watch are the ones the kids watch: Bluey, Miss Rachel, Work It Out Wombats, Fireman Sam, and my daughter’s favorite, Gabby’s Dollhouse.

On the show, the main character is played by a gal named Laila Lockhart Kraner. She wears some magic ears on her head that allows her to shrink down and interact with the various cats in her dollhouse. 

My wife sent me a thing last week that said that Laila is coming to some furniture store near us. You could sign up to win VIP meet and greets, which I did. I also reserved a spot to go to the event this Sunday. I know there will be games, snacks, face painting and “Gabby” herself. When I told Ella about it, she was SO excited! She keeps asking how many more “sleeps” till we meet her. 

My co-worker asked me tonight if I had plans for the weekend. I wish I could describe the look on his face when I told him I was going to meet Gabby from Gabby’s Dollhouse! LOL! All I know is that I hope my daughter has a great time!

“He is into everything!”

My youngest son, Andrew, is someone that you need to watch every second of the day. He is just so fast. The other day, I was loading the dishwasher. He walked up to me and wanted to help. When I looked at him, I asked him what was in his hair. It looked like maybe he poured water on it. Nope. In the 5 minutes I turned my back, he got into my wife’s shampoo and kept putting it in his hair. He had enough shampoo in his hair to wash his, Ella’s, the dog, and you! 

Tonight, while Sam was loading the dishwasher, he went into the laundry room and opened up the washer. It had completed its cycle and our sheets were waiting in there to be put in the dryer. What did Andrew do? He saw our container of Oxiclean.

He sees us add this to certain loads of laundry BEFORE we wash them. So, he felt that it was totally ok to add some (i.e. A LOT) to the sheets that were in there. Sam had to rewash the sheets and hope that too much Oxiclean was not going to be a problem.

Recently, my father-in-law was over and he needed a saw to cut something. I went and got mine out of the garage. Because it was raining, I set it up on the shelf by the washer and dryer. I figured it would be out of the way and I would put it back when I got a second. Well, guess who found it and tried it on his finger? Yep. Andrew!

But wait! There’s more! 

Sam took the dog outside to go to the bathroom. In the 3-4 minutes that she was outside, Andrew was at it again. When she walked in, she saw him on a kitchen chair pushed up to the counter. On the counter, he had taken the piece that holds a coffee filter out and put a filter in it. He then scooped a tremendous amount of coffee into the filter. He had actually turned the pot on to brew. Thankfully, there was no water in it, so he didn’t brew any. Of course, we will be sweeping up coffee grounds from the counter, the floor, and a few other places for the next week!

(That’s NOT Andrew, but you get the idea!)

Highlight of the Week

Despite the snow we got this week, the temperatures have been on the mild side. It was nice for all of us to get out and walk the neighborhood. We still bundled up as it was breezy, but it was great to get out and show Daisy the neighborhood.


I Hate Those Calls

The other day I received a message from a high school friend: “Hey. Are you up?” I didn’t see it because it was sent through Snapchat and I tend not to look at those right away. The following day, I texted her back and said, “Sorry I missed you. Is everything ok?” 

It is sad, but it seems more and more messages that start that way bring about bad news. I know her mom really well and thought it might be something to do with her. She texted back, “I just wanted to let you know about (our mutual friend).” She then said she’d call me in a few.

The more time went by, the more I began to think about how strange this was. I had just reached out to our friend around Christmas. I messaged her on Facebook and said Merry Christmas and wished her well in the New Year. I then remembered I hadn’t heard back. I opened my Facebook messenger and saw that the message I sent her had not been read. This made me start to worry.

When my friend called back, I asked her what was going on. I was informed that our friend was in hospice care. I was stunned. I couldn’t even begin to imagine this. I hadn’t heard from her in a while, but I knew she had all kinds of things going on at home and figured she was sorting through all of that. I had no idea that she was sick.

I was told that she has an aggressive form of Bile Duct Cancer. It’s a rare cancer and it has metastasized into the brain. Within 24 hours of my friend’s call, she texted to say that they were upping the morphine and our friend would most likely be in a coma like state until she passes. I had hoped to visit her today, but wasn’t able to get there. I haven’t heard an update today.

I’m 53. We graduated together, so we’re about the same age. We reconnected through Facebook years ago, and when I was going through my divorce, she often reached out to see how I was. Our group of mutual friends all went out to dinner one night and it was so much fun. It was like being in high school all over again. Those friendships picked right up where we left off. She and I messaged often and when she started having issues in her life, the tables turned and I was there to talk with her and offer support. Now, she is in her final days.

I read a quote from someone online that really hit home:

“One of the absolutely worst things about getting old, is the loss of friends and loved ones to sickness and ultimately death.  The longer I live, the more I find myself reminiscing about the folks who peppered my world with the joy of their presence, now gone forever.”

This is so true. I have so many things in my life to celebrate and that make me happy (my family first and foremost), but as I get older, it hurts to lose some of those wonderful people who shared good times with me. 

The above quote from Leo Buscaglia should be something that should be on our minds daily. When they say “tomorrow is promised to no one,” they are right. In the blink of an eye, or in one millisecond life can change. 

A co-worker was in a serious accident this week. She is ok, but her car is totaled. All it would have taken is a second earlier or a second later, or any other minute factor and the outcome could have been very different. You never know when it’s time.

The quote at the top of this blog is one that a good friend of mine had written on a mirror in her home. “Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many” It was found by her son when they were cleaning out her home. This friend was only 5 years older than me. Now, my friend in hospice is being denied that privilege, too.

I am grateful for the times we shared together and will miss her. 

A Look Back at 2023

Perhaps this year I will plan a bit better. I hoped to post this year-end recap on January 1, 2024, but life had other plans. If I made New Year’s Resolutions, planning ahead just might be one of mine. Better late than never …

2023 was a year of ups and downs, but that’s what makes life interesting, right? As I looked back at the year in preparation for this blog, I was surprised at what a decent year it was. I found myself smiling at so many of the memories. I truly believe that there was more good memories than bad last year.

2023 was a year of accomplishments for me:

  • I read more books last year than I have in a very long time. There were so many good ones (many of them I reviewed here)! 
  • I completed a full semester of my Bible classes and am ready to start the 5th semester (of 9). 
  • Then there were the projects my father-in-law and I completed. We turned a closet into a nook, put in an entire new deck on the porch, and built a fence for the puppy. 
  • I also completed a course on Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.
  • I participated in 12 installments of Turntable Talk for Dave Ruch’s A Sound Day site
  • I contributed a few songs to my friend Nancy’s The Rhythm Section site
  • I taught a couple classes on Sleep Medicine at a local college
  • I wrote my 1000th blog

There were a lot of new things in 2023 for me:

  • Sam and I both got new vehicles
  • I got a new schedule at work when I switched to afternoons
  • We got a new driveway and sidewalks because of that construction mess on our street
  • We added to our family with our new puppy, Daisy
  • A new diagnosis of ADHD and long term depression for me. This brings many challenges.

There were so many wonderful times with family and friends:

  • Ella celebrated birthday #3
  • Andrew celebrated birthday #2
  • Dante turned 21
  • Dimitri turned 16 (and I golfed with him for his birthday)
  • I celebrated my birthday with a princess party theme (picked out by Ella) and wore a tiara!
  • Our family enjoyed a nice day at the beach in Caseville
  • We enjoyed a great day on the Halloween Train with Aunt Margaret and Uncle Walt
  • My brother and I got to spend some time together thanks to his visits up to Michigan (He even contributed a nice guest blog)
  • Sam and I enjoyed a night out with a nice dinner and then seeing a Golden Girls play
  • My radio buddy, Cam, who I hadn’t seen in decades, came up and we had a great time reminiscing over coffee
  • My Goddaughter, Marissa, got married
  • The family enjoyed a night at the Detroit Zoo enjoying their Christmas Lights display
  • I had all my kids over on Christmas Eve and it was nice to have them all together. It may sound crazy, but we all sat on the couch and watch the Christmas episode of Shaun the Sheep and laughed like crazy together.
  • I also got to enjoy my first ever Daddy Daughter Dance with Ella.

Andrew certainly kept us busy this year. He’s been through the ringer. This year he’s had an MRI, an EEG, a few Sleep Studies, throat surgery, a swallow study, received a diagnosis of mild cerebral palsy and is now wearing braces on his legs. Between doctor appointments, he’s been doing speech therapy, and physical and occupational therapy. We spent a lot of time in the car this year. Thankfully, we continue to work on things and his prognosis is looking great.

I was finally able to hold the amazing portrait of Ella and Andrew in my hands this year. My friend Belita sent me many photos as the portrait progressed and my excitement built with each one. It is so beautiful. I need to get a frame for it, so I can hang it up on the wall.

As a bonus, the Detroit Lions have given me the best season I have been able to witness in forever!. 

In 2023 I wrote 274 blog posts and this site had almost 31,000 views. As I looked back at the most popular posts, I was surprised to see that there was a new “Most Viewed” blog. The 6th blog I ever wrote for this site somehow always was the most viewed blog every year. It was a blog I wrote with some of Red Buttons’ funniest lines:

That blog came in at the third most viewed this year (Over 700 views). The second most viewed blog was a holiday themed blog about one of my favorite Christmas specials:

The Year Without a Santa Claus blog just beat the Never Got a Dinner blog (750 views) The new champion, and most viewed blog this year was also holiday themed and got an amazing 4841 views!

I have to wonder why it got so many views. I do think it is cool, though. 

As a loyal reader and visitor to this blog, I want you to know how much I appreciate you. Thank you for reading and commenting on my posts. Thank you for making 2023 something to remember.

As we continue in the new year, I pray it is a good one for you and me. That being said, I’m going to do something that I really have never done before on here. 

My faith is something that you are aware of. I am always open to a good conversation about my faith. I make it no secret that I believe the Bible and am a Christian. I understand that you may not be. That is your choice and I am not in the position to judge anyone for what you believe. That being said, I watched a message from a pastor friend that really was powerful. I’m going to post the video here on this blog. Feel free to watch if you wish. If you don’t want to watch it, that’s ok. Consider this the end of this blog post. 

If you do want to watch, let me set it up for you:

In the 1990’s, William Strauss and Neil Howe wrote a book about the historical cycles in America. It was called The Fourth Turning.

It is really a fascinating read! Bryan Ross taught a message about the New Year and if the cycles of history continue to follow the pattern, 2024 could bring some issues. His message was full of information and really helped me to be at peace and ready for what history might cycle back our way.

Keep in mind that the book itself is not a biblical book about prophecy or anything like that. It looks at the cycles of history. Pastor Ross presents this info honestly and then answers the question of how we should prepare for it. 

Thanks for reading.

Christmas 2023

Christmas has come and gone. I hope that you and your family had a wonderful holiday! We had a lot of fun moments, for sure. Here is my Christmas recap.

I want to start by saying that this had to be the least “Christmassy” Christmas in a very long time. Part of that could be that there was no snow on the ground and it was about 50 degrees. The sounds of the holidays were certainly there (musically), but it was very difficult to get into the Christmas “mood.”

That being said, I had Friday off and I needed to get a few last minute things for my sons. They had asked for a couple video games and I couldn’t find them. I could have ordered them, I suppose, but all the sites were saying that they would not arrive until January. So I improvised. I took Ella and Andrew with me and we went shopping. I found them some things (that I am sure they thought were not fun) that were more … adult. 

Dante’ is 21 and Dimitri is 16 now. I got them things I knew that they could use or needed. It’s hard when you ask them what they want for Christmas in the fall and they have no clue. Or better yet, you find out that the thing they told you they wanted, they went out and bought for themselves with the money they made working. I didn’t want to do gift cards. That just seems easy, boring and requires no thought. I couldn’t help but remember when I started getting the more adult gifts….sigh. The Christmas magic fades too soon.

It was nice, however, to have all the kids together on the morning of Christmas Eve. I made a big breakfast and we had some good conversation. Dimitri had to work that day, so they weren’t at my house more than a few hours. It is a rare occurrence to have them all together in one place.

Christmas Eve night, we went to Sam’s folks for dinner. It was quite a spread: turkey, ham, meatballs, mac and cheese, baked bean, potatoes, and just about every dessert you can think of. Sam’s mom set up some cups on a table for the kids to toss cheese balls in to win prizes. Afterward, $200 in play money was handed to each person and gifts were auctioned off. I won the bid on a nice “evening in” bag – popcorn, candle, candy, hot cocoa and slipper socks. We also played a board game called “Something Fishy” or “Sounds Fishy” where you had to lie about a question that was asked. It was a fun night.

We left later than we expected and got home to get the kids in bed. Before we could do that, we had to leave out cookies and milk for Santa. One of our neighbors (the one who has the box to mail Santa letters – and answer them), messaged me to say that they had something special for Ella and Andrew. I went over Friday and they handed me a beautiful board for Santa’s milk and cookies.

Once the cookies and Egg Nog were in place (we were out of milk and I told them that Santa liked Egg Nog), the kids were off to bed. It was then that Santa began building toys! Ella asked for a Barbie Princess Castle and Andrew wanted a train table. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, as it only took me about 3 hours to put every thing together.

The dog started barking earlier than normal and I was up to let her out. Andrew was up first and he ran to get Ella because Santa had arrived. For one brief space of about an hour, we felt like it was Christmas. The magic of watching them walk out and seeing their toys ready for play! Wow, do I remember that feeling! It is one of the most powerful memories in my life. That initial walk out to the tree … pure magic!

They were so excited that they didn’t open another present for some time!

Ella got this HUGE Barbie. It is almost as big as her. She loves it!

Andrew loves to take pictures with our phones and his tablet. We found a cool camera that he had a lot of fun with.

Christmas day was nice because we just got to chill out at home. After we played a bit, we watched The Polar Express together. It is such a great movie. We napped because we were all up early, and then got ready for dinner. A Christmas Story was on and I had yet to see it this year, so I watched as we cooked up our ravioli dinner.

Sam’s folks stopped by to see they kids and what they got for Christmas. After they left, we ate and got ready to call it a night. Sam and Ella were in our room relaxing and I was out in the living room with Andrew. I was getting ready to turn off the TV, but he was engrossed in The Wizard of Oz. He couldn’t take his eyes off it. When the commercials came on, I told him we’d have to finish it another day and we went to bed.

I tried to be more in the moment this year. I neglected to take a lot of pictures. Playing with the kids, chasing them around the house, snuggling them in our bed….yeah, those were the moments! It was a Merry Christmas for us!

Oh, and as a Christmas bonus for guys like me who have been waiting a long time … The Detroit Lions clinched the division. Merry Christmas!!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas with your family. I can’t wait to read about it! 

Flatpack Wisdom

One blog that I follow belongs to a friend in Scotland. She’s a poet named Britta. She has fascinating backstory and through her blog I have come to know a bit about her.

You can read her blog here:

In a recent blog, she mentioned that her son had purchased a desk/chair set from IKEA. She described the various bumps and noises that she heard from her son’s bedroom as he put it together.

We bought something for Ella from there and I recalled the challenge of trying to put it together while looking at the “directions” or lack thereof! It was certainly a challenge.

There is an episode of Bluey called Flat pack that comes to mind. The dad andom have purchased a porch swing and they are trying to put it together while following the “instructions.”

Anyway, I say all of that to get to the nugget of wisdom that came about while commenting back and forth with Britta. I mentioned that there are plenty of jokes about IKEA’s lack of real instructions and stated that it is kind of like life. “

“Life is kind of like an IKEA flat pack. It doesn’t come with any real instructions,” I told her. She agreed and reworded my sentiment. “Life. The flat pack without instructions!”

We’re all just trying to get through without no real directions, so grab your Allen wrench and tackle life day by day!

Life Turns On A Dime

Just what does that even mean – “Life turns on a dime?” A quick Google search will offer up some explanations for folks unfamiliar with the phrase:

Since a dime is the smallest U.S. coin, the ability to “turn on it” is a figure of speech meaning you can change direction very quickly in a very small space. In this case, it means that life can change course very quickly. Depending on the circumstances, it can be either good or bad, but either way it will be rapid.

To “turn on a dime” means turning sharply and/or suddenly. To say that “life can turn on a dime” means that a person’s life can change radically in an instant (or very quickly). It’s more often used to mean someone going from a “good place” to a not-so-good place, but it can also mean suddenly taking a turn for the better.

Turn on a dime is an English idiom meaning change dramatically, suddenly and without warning or coming out of the blue unexpectedly. It usually results from a single event that dramatically alters the course of events either as a negative or a positive.

Stephen King uses that quote quite a bit in his time travel book 11.22.63. It is almost like a theme throughout it. One thing can change history (as in the case of the book) in the blink of an eye. I guess another way of explaining it is that life can change just like that (imagine a finger snap here.)

I had totally prepared to work on my article for the next round of Turntable Talk today, but some things have been tossed into our path that has led to this one instead. I write this as a reminder to you and myself to take nothing for granted. I write this as a reminder to live each day to it’s fullest. I write this as a reminder that life is a fragile thing.

In the baseball game of life, we are thrown many curveballs. Some of those we see coming and some brush us off the plate. Some of those we get ahold of and can knock them out of the park, while many of them we swing at – and miss.

Enjoy every moment. Never miss an opportunity to say “I love you.” Life is too short to hold grudges. These are all things that I have said in one way, shape or form in previous blogs.

It has been hard for me to scroll Facebook lately. So many of my friends are hurting because of sickness, death, grief, or struggle. I pray for each of them daily. Sure, there are plenty of happy moments shared on social media, but in amongst those things are people I care about – hurting. Life turned on a dime for them. Factor in some other news that we’ve been made aware of over the past few weeks and we see life turning on a dime again, this time closer to home.

The storm is off the coast. It is clear as day on the radar. Heading toward us. We will watch it’s course and the skies. We will prepare the best we can. We will do our best to be ready for it. In the meantime, we will enjoy the moments and savor each one.

Thoughts on The Measure

A week or so ago, I mentioned that I had started reading The Measure by Nikki Erlick. In case you missed it, here is the Goodreads “tease” about the book:

Here is the summary from Goodreads:

Eight ordinary people. One extraordinary choice.

It seems like any other day. You wake up, pour a cup of coffee, and head out.

But today, when you open your front door, waiting for you is a small wooden box. This box holds your fate inside: the answer to the exact number of years you will live.

From suburban doorsteps to desert tents, every person on every continent receives the same box. In an instant, the world is thrust into a collective frenzy. Where did these boxes come from? What do they mean? Is there truth to what they promise?

As society comes together and pulls apart, everyone faces the same shocking choice: Do they wish to know how long they’ll live? And, if so, what will they do with that knowledge?

The Measure charts the dawn of this new world through an unforgettable cast of characters whose decisions and fates interweave with one another: best friends whose dreams are forever entwined, pen pals finding refuge in the unknown, a couple who thought they didn’t have to rush, a doctor who cannot save himself, and a politician whose box becomes the powder keg that ultimately changes everything. 

My Thoughts

All in all, I found the book to be very good. I found it to be thought provoking and almost scary in regard to just how much of it I could relate to the world today.

There is so much division in the world today. Those divisions can be religious, racial, political, sexual and many other subdivisions. In the book, those divisions are based on the length of the string a person had. In the story, long strings mean a long life and short strings mean a short life. Throughout the story, we see the way “short stringers” are treated by “long stringers.” You could easily substitute “White, Straight, or Christian” for “long stringers” and “Black, Gay, and Atheist” for “Short stringers” and kind of apply the book to today.

In the story, there is a “short stringer” running for President. People are up in arms about voting for someone that they know could very well die in office. Lincoln, Kennedy, FDR, and a few others died in office and many would think that they were good Presidents. If people knew they were going to die, would they have been elected? If not, think of the possible alternate historical outcomes.

While the strings are the underlying theme of the book, as well as the thing that brings everything together, it is really about the 8 main characters and how they react to them. I found them to be believable and I really enjoyed how the lives of these characters all intersected and came together. I questioned a few things about a couple of the characters and then realized that the way they were written was something that was needed to compare with the strings.

There was a couple twists toward the end of the story that were unexpected. Some reviews I read said that the book left them in tears. I didn’t cry, but it certainly made an impact on me and I thought about it for a few days.

Would You Open Your Box?

There are characters in the book who do not open their box. They chose to live life without the knowledge of when they are going to die. They chose not to feel the burden of knowing they only have a short while, or relax knowing that they have a long life ahead of them.

As for the ones who know the length of their strings, we are shown the various feelings that go along with that. Husbands with long strings and their wives with short strings. How do you prepare for that? What if you were let go from your job, or not hired for one, because of the length of your string?

The book made me think about a lot. I would certainly recommend it.

Closing thoughts

I have said before that one of my “life quotes” was something I read in 1988: “Live every day as if it were your last. Some day, you’ll be right.” In the book, I read where someone had a sign or a t-shirt that read, “Live like a short stringer” or something to that effect. Same kind of thing.

Now that I am in my 50’s, I think often about wanting to be sure that I get the most out of the rest of my years. I want to experience all the joys of my marriage and make memories with my wife. I have 4 children – two of them under 3 years old. I want to witness all the things they do. I want to see graduations, weddings, and grandchildren. I want to experience daddy/daughter picnics and dances and once again coach t-ball and teach them how to throw a baseball.

Once you reach 50, life sort of begins the downward slope. I am eating right and losing weight because I want to be around for a long time. I don’t want to leave my family alone. I want to be there to offer the right advice. I want to be there to comfort any sadness. I want to be there to give praise and encouragement. I want to be there to share the happiness and sadness of life’s ups and downs.

I don’t have a string to tell me how long I’ll be here, but I plan on living each day to its fullest.

Fill in the Blank?

I really have every reason in the world to be happy. I am married to my soul mate. I have 4 wonderful children. I am saved by grace. I am alive. I am employed. I have food on the table and a roof over my head. The list goes on and on. However, I have fallen back into a funk and I am trying to remind myself of all the wonderful things in my life in an attempt to break free from it.

I used to see the above picture at a therapist’s office. There are more feelings on it than the ones seen above: enraged, ashamed, cautious, smug, depressed, overwhelmed, hopeful, lonely, lovestruck, jealous, bored, surprised, anxious, shocked, and shy. I’m sure there are many others that I am forgetting. I remember looking at the poster and wondering just where I fit in on that particular day – even though it was not my appointment!

I wish I could sort it out. I HATE being in this place! I HATE not being able to figure out just what is going on in my head. Just what the heck am I feeling?! I wish I could figure it out. When I get this way, I feel like everything everyone says to be puts me on the offensive. I feel attacked. I feel pushed. I feel like I have no control over what is going on in my life. I feel that way, but that probably really isn’t the case.

When I feel like I have lost control, I kinda go off on a tangent. I go from “0 to 100” as my wife has told me on occasion. I react. I don’t think before I open my mouth. Is it stress? Maybe. Is it lack of sleep? Maybe. Am I overwhelmed? Maybe? I just can’t seem to figure out what the deal is.

Am I happy? Yes! Am I happy with myself? Not always. Sometimes I feel like I let the people in my life who need me down. There are so many things that I need to be doing as a husband and a father, but I am just exhausted and feel like my brain isn’t able to really understand what I need to do.

Perhaps it is the fact that we’ve been living as hermits? In two years, we have pretty much lived a life of isolation. No big birthday parties for my kids. Limited exposure to everyone and everything. Life consists of work and home. Anything “fun” seems to have been put on hold. I just don’t feel comfortable yet. When will I feel that way again? Will I EVER feel that way again?

Perhaps it is the thought of change? I don’t like change. That is no secret. I have blogged about that many times. Fear of the unknown has been a fear of mine since I was a kid. This is so unwarranted. Many times I have taken a leap of faith and it turned out ok. It is bad enough when you have a fork in the road with two options, anything more than that can really take the stress and fear of the unknown up a few notches!

This is one of those situations where I wish my mom was around. I could always count on her to listen and offer her thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I have people I can talk to about things, and I appreciate their opinions, but they are not mom. Really, if I am being honest with myself, we are all going through some tough stuff right now. Are my friends really going to want to hear about my silly BS when they are dealing with their own? Probably not.

So here I am. Trying to sort through every possible emotion and feeling known to man to try and figure out what is going on. What do I do with those things in front of me? Do I just shut down and shut up? Do I just keep on keeping on? How much more can I look at all of this and scratch my head? What EXACTLY is the BEST outcome/scenario/choice?

This is going to sound silly, but sometimes I wish there was a fast forward button for life, so you could see what would happen based on decisions. Don’t like the outcome, rewind and try another option. Just rereading that I realize what a stupid thought that is. There is no such thing. There are no do overs. You make a choice and you live with the choice. If the outcome wasn’t good, you make a change.

I’ve made thousands of changes in my life. Those changes have brought me to the point where I am now. The point where I need to reassure myself of all the things in my life that make me happy.

If I have done something recently to annoy you, upset you, make you angry, or anything along those lines – I am sorry. I wish I could sit down and say, “I am feeling _______ and I’ll get through it!” I just need to fill in the blank. I’m just not sure how long it’s going to take to figure it out …

Holiday Grief

The song says, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” but for some, it isn’t. Some are dealing with grief and the loss of a loved one and I tend to think that the holidays make that grief a bit more difficult than it already is.

I have written about death and grief before. In reflecting on events of the past few days and past few months, I was moved to revisit an old blog and write again on the subjects.

Back in August, a classmate passed away from Covid-19. This week, one of my dearest friend’s brother passed away. Both were under 55.

In a previous blog, I wrote: I understand that death is a part of life.  I am reminded of a quote from my psychology class that said, “The hardest part of losing someone isn’t having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them – always having to fill the void, the emptiness that’s left inside your heart when they go.”  This is so true.  Leo Buscaglia said, “Death is a challenge.  It tells us not to waste time.”  Also true.  Bruce Lee, who died at the young age of 32, said, “If you love life, don’t waste time, for time is what life is made up of.” 

That blog was written after another friend of mine passed away unexpectedly at 47. I talk about how precious time is and how death and time often tie together. I mention in that blog that “life” also ties in with time and death. “Live every day as if it were your last. Someday, you’ll be right.” That quote was written on the band room announcement grease board some 33 years ago by our band director, Tom Shaner and it will always remain with me.

Every year, I would look forward to the Shaner’s Christmas card. They often would share photos and a yearly recap. Tom would always scribble a little note off to the side of the card to me and sign it “TRoy.” Tom passed away a couple days before Christmas last year. Today, the Shaner Christmas letter arrived, this time with a hand written note from his wife. She continues to grieve, as do the rest of his family.

At the end of her letter, she included a quote that I have never seen before, but found to be absolutely perfect. I wanted to share it here because I know many others who are grieving this holiday season. The quote reads: “When we lose someone we love, we must learn not to live without them, but to live with the love they left behind.” (Unknown)

That quote is SO VERY TRUE! It can apply to someone who you have lost recently or many years ago. It also ties in with the last quote I used in my previous blog about life, death, and time. The blog reads: The late author Terry Pratchett says this: “No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away.”  

Whether you are grieving the loss of a loved one or friend who has passed away recently, or a long time ago – every time you think of them there are ripples. Every story you tell, there are ripples. Every smile they bring to your face, there are ripples. They live on and their love lives on – and the ripples continue….