Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

Mother’s Day is one of celebration and sorrow for me. I celebrate my wife and her being the mother of Ella and Andrew. At the same time, I remember the woman who gave birth to me – my mom.

She’s been gone 19 years and yet there is still a hurt in my heart. I miss her and wish she could be here to spoil her grandchildren, share embarrassing stories of me with my wife, and hug me one more time.

Today, Facebook was full of “Missing Mom” Poems. Some really hit home. Knowing that some of my blogger friends and readers have also lost their mom’s, I thought I’d share a few.

First, this one from Jac Judy A Campbell

Every day must be a celebration in your newfound heavenly home,

But our Mother’s Day is forever empty for your children here below.

There will be no bouquet of roses, no gifts, no cards, no hugs,

No connection to call to hear your voice to tell you how much you’re loved.

Each day I see you in my mirrors, you’re in my flowerbeds outside.

I know you live within my children as I can see you in their eyes.

Every day I feel you’re near me, But it’s just not the same.

I miss your arms to hold me. I miss you calling out my name.

So I just want to tell you because you’re far away

I miss you more today than I did yesterday.

I know you’re content and peaceful as God shines his light on you

And He showers you with joy and blessings all the whole day through.

So happy heavenly Mother’s Day, Mom.
With abundance of love from me to you.

This one was from an anonymous author:

When your mother dies it doesn’t matter how old you are.

You still feel like an orphan because you’ve lost your guiding star.

She’s the one you’ve always turned to whenever anything went wrong.

She’s the one who cleaned your skinned knees and chased nightmares away with a song.

She was there to celebrate all your important days with you,

Like birthdays, and holidays, and your very first day of school.

It was easy to take her for granted because you knew she’d always be there,

Until the day that she wasn’t, and you discovered life truly wasn’t fair.

So each Mother’s Day take a moment to remember the best things about her,

Like her gentle hands and open arms, and how close the two of you were.

And you can be sure she’s in Heaven thinking of you on this day above any other.

That’s because you are the wonderful reason that she became a mother.

This one is from Claudia Lee

I awake each morning to start a new day,
But the pain of losing you never goes away.
I go about the things I have to do,
And as the hours pass, I think again of you.

I want to call you and just hear your voice.
Then I remember that I have no choice,
For you are not there and now my heart cries
Just to see you again, to tell you goodbye.

To say, “Mama I love you and I always will,”
And hope that much of you in me you’ve instilled.
The day that you left I just didn’t know
That you were going where I couldn’t go.

And now all my memories of you are so dear,
But gosh, how I miss you and wish you were here.
Who now can hear me when I need to cry?
It’s so hard to tell you, “Mama goodbye.”

Someday I know all will be well
And I’ll see you again with stories to tell
Of how you were missed and how we have grown
And how good it is to finally be home.

Until then my memories of you I’ll keep near,
And I’ll pass them on to those who are dear.

I miss you, Mama!

Finally from Kathy J. Parenteau:

If I could have just one more day and
wishes did come true,
I’d spend every glorious moment
side by side with you.

Recalling all the years we shared
and memories we made,
how grateful I would be
to have just one more day.

Where the tears I’ve shed are
not in vain and only fall in bliss.
So many things I’d let you know
about the days you’ve missed.

I wouldn’t have to make pretend
you never went away.
How grateful I would be to
have just one more day.

When that day came to a close
and the sun began to set,
a million times I’d let you know
I never will forget

The heart of gold you left behind
when you entered Heaven’s gate.
How grateful I would be to
have just one more day.

Happy Heavenly Mother’s Day, Mom.

I love you and miss you.

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to my amazing wife, Sam.

The responsibilities and duties of motherhood are many and overwhelming at times. Despite that, she takes her role seriously. More often than not, she goes above and beyond as mom.

I’ve said before that being a mom is a full time job in itself. Sam, essentially, has two full time jobs. She puts in her 40 hours at work and then comes home to her “mom job.”

I cannot begin to tell you how many times she has gone without sleep to do something for the kids. Almost everything they do falls within my work hours, so she takes care of things.

She’s at doctor appointments, she does school pickups, she does T-ball, and she does dance. Many times, the stuff I can do on my days off, she will be there, too!

She is the boo boo kisser, the deescalator of melt downs, the taxi driver, the head chef, the storyteller/book reader, she’s the house cleaner, the voice of reason, the “better” hugger, the kids encourager of imaginative play, and personal shopper. She reminds dad that making messes is “what kids do,” and “If they are getting dirty, that means they’re having fun!”

A phrase that is often used is that she “is the glue that holds everything together.” There is so much truth to this. I know that there are many times that amongst the chaos, she steps in and helps everyone see what the others are feeling. She shines light on other’s perspectives and calms the storm.

I hope that she knows just how much she means to us and how important she is! She deserves much more than one day of recognition! She deserves celebrations, parades, and more for all she does.

Happy Mother’s Day, Baby! We all love you to “the North Star and back!”

Mother’s Day Recap

This was the first Mother’s Day since becoming a mom that Sam had the day off. I was so glad that she was able to take the day and spend it with us. She worked the night before and on the way home, she called and told me to make sure the kids were dressed. We were heading out somewhere when she got home.

I hurried and got the kids dressed, got myself dressed and was ready when she got home. She came in and changed clothes before we left, so I just assumed we were all going to go out to breakfast. Instead, she drove to the cemetery where my mom is buried. She told me she wasn’t going to let Mother’s Day go by without taking me there.

The innocence of my kids always chokes me up. As we walked up, Sam said, “We have to see grandma on Mother’s Day. She was daddy’s mommy.” When we got to her headstone, Andrew said, “I can’t see grandma.” That was the first choke up. Then Ella had found what she called a “heart shaped rock” and wanted to put it on her headstone. “I want grandma to have it.” Choke up number two. In the car, on the way out, Andrew starts to get upset. Sam asked why and he said, “Grandma can’t hold me.” Choke up number three.

When we got home, Sam got to see the gifts that the kids got for her.

They each drew her a picture/card and we placed a paint handprint inside. We bought her some hair stuff (hair ties, clips, a mirror, and stuff she uses to get ready). The kids also picked out a beautiful dozen roses for her. Finally, we made sure she got a delicious cake!

When our Head Start friend came over, we made feet flowers for her with her favorite colors.

After we opened her presents, she got to laid down and nap since she worked the night before. Then the kids and I went outside and we detailed her car.

We debated doing a BBQ for dinner, but she said she was really craving some Chinese food, so that’s what we got! By 7pm, the entire family was just exhausted and we were all in bed and asleep by 8! LOL

I am so happy that we got to celebrate her for mother’s day!! She is so special to all of us!

I feel this way daily, but a bit more today…

A Happy Weekend

Tuesdays mean back to work for me. Technically, Mondays are still part of my “weekend.” Yesterday, I wrote about the amazing birthday I had Monday, but wanted to share a few other highlights from the past couple days.

Sunday was Mother’s Day. Sadly, Sam had to work that night. That didn’t stop us from celebrating. The kids made sure to spoil mommy with a card and cake.

We also made sure she had plenty of flowers to brighten her day.

We got her a Grey’s Anatomy sweatshirt that she wanted and of course, she got the porch rocker we built. Before she left for work, I was able to snap one of the best photos of her and the kids!

Today, the weather in Michigan was perfect. I wanted to go to Menard’s to pick up the wood that I need to rebuild part of the playscape in the back. However, because it was so nice, I took the kids up to the park to play first. They had a blast!

For Andrew, there were so many things to play with. Slides, rocks, and even tic tac toe.

Ella just loved running around and playing with the other little girl who was there, too.

Every once in a while, they stop at just the right time for perfect pictures.

After the park, I ran up and got the wood. I also got a couple shepherd’s hooks and two hanging flower baskets for the front of the house. On the way home, I stopped and got the kids lunch and we had a picnic on the porch before naptime.

Along with the fun of my birthday, this weekend was just loaded with wonderful memories! I hope your weekend was just as happy!

Back – But Not 100%

Despite the few blogs I had scheduled to be published, I really only got to jump on here to blog a couple times over the past few weeks because of Covid. So I figured I would fill you in on what’s been happening …

Daddy Daughter Pirate Adventure

Prior to my Covid diagnosis, I was planning on taking Ella to a Daddy/Daughter Pirate adventure. I took the Tuesday off and worked Monday night instead. The Sunday before, I didn’t really feel great. I felt like I was getting a cold. Ella was diagnosed that Friday with a double ear infection. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to go because she was sick.

Monday I felt a bit worse and took a home Covid test. It was negative and I went to work. While at work, I just felt stuffed up. I was coughing a bit, and just achy. I went home and slept. When I woke up, I was still hoping to get to go to the Pirate adventure, however, I just felt like crap. My wife talked me into going to Urgent Care, where they swabbed me and gave me the Covid and Flu diagnosis.

It rained Monday and they called Tuesday to tell me that they had moved the pirate adventure to the next day. It didn’t matter, I wasn’t going to be able to go.

Mother’s Day

I’m glad that I planned ahead this year. So often, I wait until a couple days before to go out and get cards and presents. This year, I ordered Sam something online and had hoped to get her a few other things, but thanks to Covid, I was only able to give her the gift I ordered.

I saw this Facebook and thought it was perfect. It was a framed sign, printed on burlap that said, “My greatest blessings call me Mommy.” Under that I was able to put the kids names and birthdays. It came out better than I thought.

Because we both were in quarantine, we had to place our grocery order online and have it delivered. Because I couldn’t get her a cake, Sam ordered one and we had it after dinner. We were able to spend a little bit of time outside in the sun, hoping the extra vitamin D would help with the Covid.

The Kids

Thank goodness the sun has been out a lot this week. The kids have been loving being outside on the swings, playing in the yard or taking brief walks around the neighborhood.

Nana stopped by with some clothes she got for the kids on day and found Ella some “Princess Dresses.” She puts one on and then takes it off so she can put the other one on. I’m not sure what she was doing when I snapped this picture, but I love it. I can’t wait to be able to dress up for a daddy daughter dance!

Earlier this week, Ella was outside with Sam and heard a bird. She told Sam it was a “Nutpecker!” Sam did a double take and asked her again what kind of bird it was. Again, the answer came back, “Nutpecker!” I’ll just add that to the list of wonderfully funny things my daughter says. Nutpecker = Woodpecker.

Andrew turned 7 months old this week. He’s been crawling all over the place and is doing everything he can to stand up. He will pull himself up with the help of couch cushions, toys, pillows, you name it. He is able to stand for 30 seconds at a time, but then usually falls. It drives us crazy. Case in point:

Ella got a Doc McStuffins doctor kit. It comes with the typical doctor toys – stethoscope, otoscope, fake shot, thermometer, bandage and bag. Take a look at the shot, which is the second from the right in the picture below.

See how it is flat? Ok, good. Andrew was standing up next to me on the floor. I was sitting and he had pulled himself up and was standing. He quickly turned and fell and faceplanted right on the corner of that shot. Almost immediately, under his eye (at the top of his cheek bone) began to bruise. Then it began to swell. There was a huge bump under it. At first I thought he broke his cheek.

With 30 minutes before the Urgent Care closed, Sam ran him up to get checked out. He had a hematoma under his eye. Basically, it was bleeding under the skin. So he got his first shiner.

We were told to call his doc and follow up. The doc stated that she didn’t need to see him, but we should have him looked at by an eye doctor to be sure nothing was wrong on the inside of the eye. So he also had his first visit to the eye doc this week.

The good news is that the eye looks great and he will be fine.

He followed up with the Orthotics folks today about his helmet and they said he is progressing so well that he probably will be able to get the helmet off in a couple weeks. This is fantastic news, since we were planning on him having it on through July.

My Crazy Co-Workers

I was cleared to return to work today. The afternoon tech was off, so when I walked in I was the only one in the building. When I walked into the tech room, I was greeted with a masterpiece created by my co-workers.

They basically went through my Facebook page and found every ridiculous picture of me and created a “Covid Keith” board. It certainly made me laugh. I also realize that I make a lot of silly faces. There is a story behind the Alfalfa picture that I will share another time.

I suppose things are sort of getting back to normal-ish.

2021 – What a Year!

At midnight tonight, we’ll start a brand new year – 2022. Some have compared a new year to a book. The book with 365 blank pages – one for each day – and said that the book is ours to write. There is truth to that.

As I looked back over my “book” entitled “2021,” I see that (despite the pandemic and all the crap that came with it) I really did have a good year. Bear with me, he’s the recap:

January

January started with some snow. It actually looks like we should be getting snow again this week. Ella absolutely loved being outside in the snow. It was fun to watch her try to figure out just what all the white stuff was. Today, when she sees it, she get’s excited and yells, “Snow! Snow!”

In mid-January, we scratched our heads and wondered just how Ella was 11 months old! I mean, it seemed like she was just born!

The pressure was on as we closed in on her first birthday. With Covid, we weren’t quite sure if we’d even be able to have a party for her.

February

As we got closer to Ella’s birthday, Sam was just not feeling right. 3 days before Ella’s birthday, we found out that baby #2 was on the way!

This took us both completely by surprise! There was great excitement all over again. The hardest part was keeping it a secret…

Ella’s first birthday was a fun and busy day. We ditched the pink blocks and marked the birthday with a HUGE number “1” balloon. This was followed by a trip to the Sea Life Aquarium, the Build a Bear place, and cake at Nana’s house.

We were glad to be able to get some professional “1st Birthday” pictures, too!

March

In March we got our first look at the baby we now know as Andrew/AJ and announced Ella’s promotion to big sister.

Ella also got her first haircut

March also consisted of many walks around the neighborhood and stops at the park.

April

Big brother, Dante’ turned 19 this month! Before that, Easter fell on my mom’s birthday. We got Ella all dressed up in her Easter dress, stopped at the cemetery to visit grandma on her birthday and then went to Nana’s for an Easter Egg hunt!

Ella is so very blessed to have wonderful people in her life. Aunt Margaret is one of them! (She will kill me for posting this picture, but I just love this!!) She and cousin Marissa came to visit and the highlight was watching them read books together.

We also found out the baby’s gender, but that wouldn’t be revealed until May.

May

Birthday’s have never really bothered me, mostly because I opt for the Jack Benny attitude and say that I am stuck at 39. However, in reality I turned 51. 30 was big. 40 was tough. 50 a bit hard to swallow. Over 50? Well…..I examine my own mortality every day.

The month started warm enough that Ella got to spend lots of time in her sandbox and pool.

We revealed that Ella was having a baby brother and got another look at him on an ultrasound.

Ella and I worked on a special project for Sam for Mother’s Day and we got to visit the Detroit Zoo.

May also brought Ella her first taste of corn on the cob!

June

My second oldest boy celebrated his 14th birthday in June. We got to spend Father’s Day together by visiting Crossroads Village. They had a Classic Car Show there and we walked the village and rode the train. It was such a great day with my kids!

It was SO hot that day!!! By the end of it all, Ella was physically exhausted. June was a hot month and we did get to get out and enjoy walks in the park and a day at the splash pad.

July

By July, Sam was 5 months pregnant and was so sick. The pregnancy was a rough one on her. The heat didn’t help things. Despite that, the middle of summer was packed full of amazing things and our family had loads of fun.

We celebrated America’s Birthday, Ella had her first visit to the public library and bowled for the first time, and we all visited the Saginaw Children’s Zoo.

August

As Summer drew to a close, we continued to squeeze as much into it as we could. I got to spend a perfect day doing a daddy daughter picnic, my name was finally on the board at the Corner Cone for a free ice cream, Ella spent lots of time drawing with crayons, and our stress levels were through the roof as we took Ella in for her ear tube surgery. We also got another peak at AJ and had a visit from my brother.

September

Fall! My favorite season of all. I was glad to be able to get together with Margaret, Walt and my buddy Chris at Margaret’s house. Since she’s already mad at the one picture I posted, I’ll just share the one she told me I could share. Hopefully, that makes things a little better….

We always love going to get pumpkins and decorating the front of the house for fall. Ella seemed to like it, too.

Ella and I also got to take one last trip to the Saginaw Zoo before it closed for the season. It was a great day for us, and Sam actually got to relax a bit.

October

We had been told more than once that there was a possibility that the baby would come before his due date. He held out almost until the date! Just two days before he was born, Ella and I got to go outside and enjoy the fall colors.

On October 11th, AJ entered the world. I watched in awe as my son was born and all the pride of being a daddy again filled my soul. We weren’t sure how Ella would handle it, but she welcomed him with open arms.

They still did not have a photographer at the hospital, so we went to JC Penney to have some newborn pictures taken. AJ looks spiffy in his outfit!

While this wasn’t Ella’s first Halloween, it was the first real Trick or Treating adventure for her. She was happy that big brother was there to walk with her. AJ was obviously way too young to attempt to go out this year.

November

Fall walks are among my favorites. I love looking at the colors. Ella and I took many fall walks and there were many instances where she’d just play in a pile of leaves! AJ kept us all busy and so it was just Ella and I making the trip to Bronner’s to get his ornament for the Christmas tree. We enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving at home and got the house ready for Christmas.

December

The final month of the year brought many happy memories. Professional Christmas pictures, my annual reading of Dickens, AJ turned 2 months old, a visit from Papa and Grandma, Christmas Eve with my boys, Holiday lights at Crossroads, our first Christmas as a family of four, and the anticipation of a brand new year.

Blog highlights included my entries to the 2021 Song Draft, salutes to Soupy Sales, my grandpa, and Ernie Harwell, a guest blog from my pal Max, silly blogs about hats and Bernie Sanders’ mittens, fishing memories, my favorite Twilight Zone episodes, and a blog about an amazing cartoon Dog Dad.

There were many sad moments in 2021. I lost classmates and friends to cancer, heart disease, and of course, Covid. If the past two years have taught me anything, it is that life is precious and another day is not promised. You never know when it will be the “last picture,” the “last phone call,” or the “last visit.” It takes me make to that quote that my band director wrote on the grease board my senior year. I have quoted it many times. “Live every day as if it were your last. Someday, you’ll be right.”

Life is too short. Live. Laugh. Love.

As we welcome 2022, I pray that it is a good year for all of us. May we find it full of happiness and good health. May God bless you and yours in the upcoming year.

Get ready. The Book of 2022 awaits. Grab your pen and turn to page (January) 1.

Halfway to 100 …

I received my invitation to join the AARP early last week. A week earlier the letter from the Secretary of State telling me my plates were about to expire came in the mail. Both served as a reminder that I was about to get older. Three days ago, I completed my 50th trip around the sun. I celebrated the 11th anniversary of my 39th birthday, as I like to say. My milestone birthday was celebrated in quarantine.

All over Facebook there are “quarantine items” you can have made. You can have things like: “Our first anniversary – in quarantine,” “Class of 2020 – the one spent in quarantine,” or “I turned 50 in quarantine and all I got was social distancing,” put on T-shirts, coffee mugs, or just about anything. I’m thankful that I didn’t get any of that stuff for my birthday. As a matter of fact, I am glad it happened while in quarantine!

Why would I be glad about that? Well, I know my wife. She would have found a way to throw me some sort of party. Don’t get my wrong, I would love to see all my friends and family. I just wouldn’t want all the hoopla surrounding my age. I can see all the black “Over the Hill” balloons, “Look who’s 50!” banners, and I’d receive gifts like a cane with a bicycle bell and rear view mirror on it! No, I don’t need that. Besides, most of my close friends are all turning 50 this year, too. I’m sure there will be some sort of birthday party down the road for one of them. I can go to that and celebrate with them! Hell, maybe a joint party is needed?

We had some errands to run early in the day, so I was out when my oldest son called me. I felt bad, because he drove to my house to surprise me with a card. He left it in the door for me and he had me video chat him when I got home. He told me he couldn’t find a Tim Horton’s card, so he opted for Burger King, because he knows I drink their coffee, too!

Another friend texted me and said “Yo! What is your favorite beer?” This made me chuckle. I told her that was the weird text of the day and told her two of my favorites. On the drive home, I received another text from her that simply read: “Yo! Check your porch!” When I got home there was a six pack of each of my favorite beers and a wonderful heartfelt note.

One of the errands we had to run was for my wife. She had me stop at this local bakery and sent me in to pick up her order. She had asked me earlier in the week what my favorite ice cream was. I told her it was probably Mint Chocolate Chip. This little bakery made me a Mint Chocolate Chip birthday cake. It was simply delicious! It tasted just like the ice cream!

She and Ella made me a very special birthday gift. I cannot even begin to tell you how special it is. She took Ella’s footprints and made a heart. I cried when she gave it to me. I always hope that she will see me as her first love and her hero! I can’t wait to hang it up.

Ella’s feet were busy this week. 10 days earlier, for Mother’s Day, I had also used her feet for an art project. Funny how my wife and I think alike … I heard Sam singing “You are My Sunshine” to Ella one day and then found this idea, and made it for her.

Throughout the day, there were countless Facebook messages, calls from my son, brother and father, and text messages from friends and family. Getting to spend my birthday at home with my wife and daughter meant the world to me. As a matter of fact, it was the perfect way to spend the day.

Her smile just melts my heart!

So what will 50 bring? I don’t know. What do I wish for? Good health. Weight loss. A growing family. Less stress. Job security. More family time. To be a better husband and father. Less debt. Better time management. A deeper and stronger faith. To be more forgiving. To be less angry. The ability to let go of the things that hold me back. To be more positive. To make amends for wrongs I have done. To look at each day as a gift. To listen more. To smile more. To love and cherish those who are important to me.

Cheers to another year!

A Letter to Mom

Mother’s Day – 2019

Dear Mom,

Christopher and I met some time ago and mapped out a project to honor your memory. I have written a few things that will be included in it. Some of them have appeared here on my blog page. I’ve gone through pictures and have picked out favorites. I have other ideas as well, and eventually, we will produce and publish it.

The night Chris and I talked about this project, we exchanged ideas of what we could do. One of my favorite ideas he suggested was to write you a letter. You would think that it would be extremely easy to sit down and write to you, but this one simple idea has turned out to be the most difficult of them all! I have started letters to you more than once, but I cannot seem to be able to finish them. Today, I am going to write this! Through tears and pain, today, I will complete this letter!

Today will mark the 13th Mother’s Day that has passed since you passed away. I won’t even begin to pretend that it gets easier. It doesn’t – I wish you were here. I wish I could once again tell you in person, how grateful and how thankful I am that YOU were chosen to be my mother. I wish you knew how happy it made me growing up to know I was making you proud of me. You were my biggest cheerleader and there have been SO many times that I have needed you since you have been gone.

So many things have changed over the years. There have been countless times that I have wanted to call you. There have been so many times I needed to hear your voice. I have needed your guidance and advice more times than I can count. Before making big decisions, I have found myself asking, “What would mom say about this?” The longing to be able to share just one more conversation with you is ever present, and never seems to go away.

I have been told by so many people that you would be proud of me. I believe that. I graduated college, mom! All those times you told me to go to school and get a degree and I kept playing around on the radio … I’m sure it drove you crazy! Well, I now have that degree! I worked hard for it and earned it – knowing the whole time that it was what you and dad always wanted me to do. Even though you were not there physically, I felt you there in spirit. As I addressed the entire graduating class – I pictured you there, smiling and proud. When I mentioned you in my speech, it was the only time I thought I might break down.

You won’t believe this, but Dante’ is 17 now! He is in high school now! I don’t even know where the time went, mom! He’ll graduate next year! I remember you telling me how fast I grew up and how you couldn’t believe I was graduating…I completely know how you felt. He is quite the young man, mom. He is so friggin’ smart! He has made such an impact on his teachers and friends. They all talk of what a joy he is. He is polite and a gentleman. He is always going out of his way to help people by holding the door and things like that.

You’ll be happy to know that he wants to do something with trains when he graduates. I would venture a guess that it is probably because of that day you took him to the Day Out With Thomas the Tank Engine! He STILL talks about that day. It is a memory that he will never forget – and neither will I. He misses you, too. He never lets me forget your birthday, Mother’s Day, or the anniversary of your passing. We have spent many hours at your grave sharing memories, laughing and crying. He always makes sure that we stop and get flowers for you, when we visit. He will never forget the love you showed him, and you remain one of the most special people in his life – you made quite the impact on him in 4 short years. Both of us are glad that we have so many pictures of you two together!

Remember that day we were all together at dad’s? You were trying to sleep and Dante’ was running around being loud? You laughed and I asked you what was so funny. Do you remember your response? I do. “I hope when you have your next baby that it is another boy. That way, you will know just what kind of stuff you and your brother put your dad and I through!” Well, and I have my suspicions that you played a hand in this, your wish came true. Dimitri was born shortly after you left us.

Blonde hair and blue eyes – I know you’d have spoiled him just as much as you did Dante’! Yes, they fight with each other, just like Chris and I did! There are many times I yell back to them in the car and I can hear you saying the same thing to Chris and me! It’s pretty amazing to put pictures of Chris and me next to pictures of the two of them – it’s crazy how much they look like us! Dimitri loves to sing and is in choir. He’s in middle school now and he’s quite compassionate. He is SO competitive and gives his all and hates to lose! He plays video games and gets into them much like you got into playing that pinball game at the Dugout!

He is always telling us how much he wishes he could have met you. He hears stories from Dante’ and he gets sad. He knows what an amazing grandma you were and he wishes that he could have share some memories with you, like his brother. I wish that he could have, too. I think that’s the only disconnect I have from him. Dante and I can talk about you and the times you shared together, but Dimitri gets sad, because he missed out on that, and that makes me sad, too.

I had a very difficult time after you passed away. There was quite the roller coaster of emotions I had to deal with. I was in a deep state of grief, trying to cope with your death and at the same time, there was the joy of the birth of Dimitri. Factor in the stress of the loss of another radio job, depression, and a variety of other issues and you can guess how messed up I was. I was taking all kinds of medications, altering the dosage, adding new ones and changing to different ones in hopes of finding a way to cope and to be happy. All that did was make me someone I was not. There are times I do not even remember saying or doing things. It took me many years to get through it and to address the issues I was facing. This meant doing some things that took me out of my comfort zone. This meant facing some hard truths about me and where I was in life. This meant severing ties with things and people that were holding me back and forcing me into a whirlwind of unhappiness. It was not a good place for me – or anyone else close to me.

I am ashamed to admit that I thought of ending my life. The unhappiness and depression were very bad. With help from therapy, I was able to look at some things in my life and make a very difficult decision. Divorce was not easy. Coming out on the other side, the true colors of those who I thought cared about me began to show. Rumors and untruths continue to be spread in an attempt to discredit me and make me look bad. You, of all people, know that I am far from perfect. However, it hurt to see how quickly people took sides and believed so many lies. It is hard to not let that bother me, but I have gained some powerful tools through therapy and true friends that have helped. I have been able to move forward.

Mom, all you ever wanted for me was to be happy. I am SO happy today. What I wouldn’t give for you to meet my wife, Sam. She is amazing. She is beautiful. She doesn’t take any crap from anyone! She does what needs to be done and doesn’t make rash decisions. You would like her a lot. She is supportive, honest, responsible, and loves me. I love her more that I could ever explain to you. She is one of the hardest working people I have ever met. She is a true blessing to me. She loves Dad, Rose, and the boys, too. It is because of her, that I am where I am today. She was a lifesaver, mom. She asks about you often and loves to hear me tell stories about you. I want you to know that she is taking good care of your boy, and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Because of all that has transpired, and where I am now, my relationship with Dad and Chris are stronger than they’ve ever been. We speak often on the phone and I have seen them more over the past two years than I probably did through that first marriage. Sam will often ask, “Have you talked to your dad? Did you call your brother?” It’s pretty amazing. She knows how things were in the past, and refuses to let that continue. While I am glad to have those relationships thrive, it makes me sad that I missed SO many things with you during that time. I should have stood up more and made sure we spent more time with you – I regret that so very much. For that, I am sorry.

It hurts to look back and know what I could have and should have changed. Hindsight is 20/20. Oh, the things I would have done different! I would have called more, mom. I would have made more time to come visit. I would have told you I love you, every chance I got. The list of “should haves” “could haves” and “would haves” is SO long!!! There are things that I wish I would have wrote down or asked you. So many things that left with you that I can only wish that I had asked about.

Oh, and before I forget to mention it – thanks for your letter. We found them almost a year after you left us. It was probably the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Here was a letter to me that you had written years before Dante’ was born. “Know that I love you” was the first thing you told me. I think it probably took me 20 minutes to compose myself after reading that line. My eyes are welling up with tears right now as I remember it. Thank you for that. I have it, along with the tissue I wiped your tears away with on your last night here and other things that remind me of you. I only wish that you had been able to write something to Dante’ – I know he would treasure that as much as he treasures the photo book you made him with those pictures from Thomas the Train.

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13 years gone and yet it still seems like yesterday. So many holidays without you. So many birthdays. 13 Mother’s Days. I hope that you always knew how much I loved you and still love you. I hope you know how much I miss you. I hope you know that even though there were things we didn’t see eye to eye on everything, I was glad that God chose to make you my mom.

Thank you, mom, for all you gave me. Thank you for the many days you stayed home with me when I was sick. Thank you for the hours of phone calls containing laughter and tears. Thanks for the memories that will live on in my heart and soul. Thank you for putting band aids on cuts and scrapes. Thank you for singing off key in the car. Thank you for being such a wonderful grandma. Thanks you for your wisdom. Thank you for understanding hugs. Thank you for telling dad things I told you not to tell him. Thanks for every single thing you did for me – there is probably not enough room on the internet to list them all. Most of all, thank you for being my mom. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I miss you and will forever love you.

“See you later”

Love always, your son,

Keith

7 mos with Mom

“My mind knows you are gone, but my heart will never be able to accept it.”