The amazing Red Buttons was born today in 1919. He was the comedian and actor who hosted “The Red Buttons Show” on TV from 1952-1955. He later appeared in many movies, including “The Longest Day”, “The Poseidon Adventure”, and “Hatari!” He won an Academy Award for his role in the movie Sayonara.
He also won a Golden Globe Award during his career. He starred on both The Garry Shandling Show and The Larry Sanders Show and had a recurring role on ER. He was a favorite on the Dean Martin Roasts doing his famous bits “never got a dinner” and “I was there”!
After Red passed away, I believe it was Norm Crosby who said that what made Red so amazing was he continued to write and rewrite material using the themes “Never Got a Dinner” and “I was there”! The bit ALWAYS got laughs. He even did the bit on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.
While some of these lines are a bit dated – They still make me laugh. Some of the lines also show what was acceptable back then, but may not be so acceptable now. Please keep in mind the time and situations where these lines were said.
When Red would take the dais at a Friar’s Club Roast or on the Dean Martin Roast, he would always ask the question “Why are we giving (guest of honor) a dinner?! Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner!”
Here are some of my favorite Red Buttons Roast Lines:
Abraham Lincoln, who said, “A house divided … is a condominium.” Never got a dinner!
George Washington, who said to his father, “Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President?” Never got a dinner!
Cain, whose wife divorced him because he wasn’t Able. Never got a dinner!
Alexander Graham Bell’s wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, Your three minutes are up. Never got a dinner!
Rip Van Winkle, who said, Don’t make the bed; I’m just going to the bathroom. Never got a dinner!
John Wilkes Booth, who said, Sorry, I thought he was a critic. Never got a dinner!
Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, You’re a credit to your rice. Never got a dinner!
Goliath’s mother, who said to Goliath, “Stop running around with David! You’re always coming home stoned!” Never got a dinner!
Gandhi, who went to Wendy’s and asked, “Where’s the belief?” Never got a dinner!
Dr. Spock, who said, “Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” Never got a dinner!
Joe Torre, who was to chicken to play catcher and switched to first base because he didn’t want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
Bluebeard, who said to Scotland Yard, How do I know how many wives I’ve killed? I’m not an accountant! Never got a dinner!
Venus de Milo, who said to Colonel Sanders, That sure is finger licking good! Never got a dinner!
Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds. Never got a dinner!
Jack the Ripper’s mother, who said to Jack, “How come I never see you with the same girl twice? ” Never got a dinner!
Noah’s wife, who said to Noah, “Don’t let the elephants watch the rabbits.” Never got a dinner!
Dean Martin’s great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, I see the cotton, but where’s the gin? Never got a dinner!
Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, Maybe we’re white. Never got a dinner!
John Travolta, who said, “My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash.” Never got a dinner!
Romeo, who said to Juliet, For a better romance get off the balcony and get on the pill. Never got a dinner!
Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, We are not naming our son Sid! Never got a dinner!
Nostradamus, who PREDICTED he would never get a dinner! Never got a dinner!
Adam, who said to Eve, “What do you mean you have nothing to wear?” Never got a dinner!
Stan Musial, who said, Why didn’t they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal. Never got a dinner!
Burt Reynolds, the great sex symbol of the movies, who said, I owe it all to one great part. Never got a dinner!
Aunt Jemima, who once said these hotcakes are selling like hotcakes. Never got a dinner!
Eve, who asked Adam, “Does this fig leaf make me look fat?” Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
The Puerto Rican doctor, who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner!
Michelangelo’s girlfriend, who said to Angelo, Forget the paint – let’s put a mirror on the ceiling. Never got a dinner!
Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, “I will not live in a house with a Little John.” Never got a dinner!
Adam, who said to God in the Garden of Eden, “I’ve got more ribs, do you got more broads?” Never got a dinner!
Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner!
Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!
Moses, who said to the Children of Israel, “Wear your galoshes, I never did this trick before… and stop calling me Charlton!” Never got a dinner!
Flash Gordon, who said, “No, that’s not how I got my name” Never got a dinner!
Venus de Milo’s mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can’t you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!
Amelia Earhart, who said, “Stop looking for me, see if you can find my luggage” Never got a dinner!
Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, Stop shaking! Never got a dinner!
Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, Is all that for me? Never got a dinner!
President Jimmy Carter, who said to Pope John Paul II, “Next time bring the missus” Never got a dinner!
William Tell’s son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, There’s gotta be an easier way to kill worms. Never got a dinner!
King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, “Forget the alimony, I’ve got a better idea” Never got a dinner!
Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, Can we talk? Never got a dinner!
King Soloman, who said to his thousand wives, “Who hasn’t got a headache?” Never got a dinner!
Queen Elizabeth who said, “Not now I’m on the throne!” Never got a dinner!
Aladdin, who said to his wife, “I know it’s not a lamp, keep rubbing!” Never got a dinner!
Saint Christopher, who said, Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal? Never got a dinner!
Orville Wright said to his brother, “Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?” Never got a dinner!
Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It’s only a nickname. Never got a dinner!
Lot, who said to his wife we’ve got plenty of salt, its coffee we need! Never got a dinner!
The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!
Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!
Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!
Happy Birthday, Red!
Various Ramblings of a Nostalgic Italian 