Free From Earthly Burdens

The above picture is of a grave marker designed by a grieving father in Utah. This photo has made the rounds on the internet for many years. Captions vary, but they all seem to include that the father created it to represent his paralyzed son reaching up to the sky from the wheelchair he spent his life in. It is said to represent that his son is finally “free from his earthly burdens.”

This image popped into my mind this afternoon as I walked into the church where my 10 year old sister-in-law’s viewing took place. My wife and her family were there before I arrived. I took Ella and Andrew to the baby sitter and joined them afterwards.

When I walked in, a video played with photos from Grace’s life. Her smile ever present. Instrumental Disney songs played along with the video. Grace loved Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

There was a beautiful blanket with her picture on it and “Always in Our Hearts” written in a Disney font off to the side. Surrounding her was a stuffed Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Pluto, and Goofy.

I once again remembered the image above. Grace is free from her earthly burdens. No more wheelchair, no more feeding tube, no more pain, and no more suffering. I personally believe, based on my knowledge of Scripture, that she is feeling a joy that none of us has ever experienced. She is walking, talking, and singing. What a wonderful thing to know.

As with any death, it is hardest on those who are left behind. There is a void. There is the adjustment that has to be made to their being absent from our lives. There is the grieving process that has to happen for each one of us (and every one will grieve differently). It will not be easy.

My heart sank as I read a Facebook post from my father-in-law the other day: “This morning was so different. Normally Pam starts Grace’s breathing treatments while I make my coffee, then Pam gets Grace’s meds made up while I finish her treatments. Drinking coffee with no Grace brought tears to my eyes then I remembered her body has been restored and she doesn’t need treatments anymore that made me smile. Pam and I are trying to adjust to our new normal. Thanks for all the phone calls texts visits and prayers.”

The “new normal” isn’t normal at all. There will be many adjustments and life goes on for the rest of us and there will be many emotional hurdles to get over in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead.

Grace’s memorial service will take place at noon Wednesday. I would appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts for my wife, her parents, and our family. It is going to be a very hard day.

Mixed Emotions

If I had to describe today with emoji’s, I’d need a lot of them!

Exhaustion – Tuesdays are always difficult. I get very little sleep before having to come into work for the night. I do the best I can to nap when the kids are napping, but things just never seems to line up where we all sleep at the same time.

Confident – Recently I was presented with an opportunity that peaked my interest. It was one of those things that I really wasn’t searching for, but I looked at it very carefully. After much discussion and weighing all the pros and cons, I made a decision that I feel is best.

Afraid – At the same time, looking on the horizon, there is something I stumbled on that has positives and negatives. I took a leap of faith today. It would be a HUGE change. It has been something that has been on the back burner for some time. Whether or not anything comes of it is yet to be seen. If it does, there are some big things to think about and consider.

Angry – Annoyed – Exasperated – Done – One phone call can bring about so many emotions. How many times can the same things be rehashed? When do you just say “Forget it? I’m done?” An hour and 20 minutes of being on speaker phone being accused, judged, called every profane name imaginable, and treated like a piece of crap is not exactly how I want to spend my time. Once you apologize for something, you shouldn’t be expected to keep apologizing for it over and over again. Especially when the other party has said they forgive you. My God, it was a vicious circle of things that are from years ago, yet here we are talking about it again! Enough is enough. If you can’t get past it, I don’t know what to tell you. Don’t feel sorry for me or my family, because quite frankly, we are fine! Please just let it go!

Dedicated – It is time for me to stop letting the outside BS affect me and my family. I am dedicated to being the best husband and father I can be to those who will let me. I have found happiness and NO ONE will take that away from me. I love my family more than I will ever be able to express here, and intend to keep it together. Leave your negativity at the door or better yet, keep it away. There is LOVE, tenderness, faith, and joy in my house! I intend to increase those feelings with every moment I am alive!

Sadness – With every day my kids continue to grow up. Ella will be two this week. I am having a very difficult time wrapping my head around that. Andrew will be 4 months old this week and it seems like time won’t slow down. Sam has often said to me that she feels when she is done with work for the week, she feels like the look older and are bigger. I feel the same way. Despite having gone through this with my two older sons, it feels like time is going by even faster than before.

I will end on a positive emotion:

Happiness – This week, Ella started saying, “I love you, too, Daddy.” and “I love you, too, Mommy” after we tell her that we love her. There is nothing that will melt your heart faster.

Earlier today, Andrew was laying on the floor and he was giggling. I snapped a picture of him and Ella immediately came over and laid next to him and said, “My turn, Daddy!” In an absolute amazing moment, she grabbed his hand and I snapped the picture.

THAT IS WHAT MATTERS! Those two amazing kids (and my beautiful and wonderful wife) are the source of my happiness. There is nothing but joy connected with them. There is no negativity. There is no hate. There are no grudges. There are no hidden motives. There is LOVE. There is JOY. There is HAPPINESS. There is DELIGHT. There is LAUGHTER.

This is what is important! THEY are what is important.

On my bad days, those two special kids remind me to focus on what really matters!

Close, But No Breakthrough … Yet

I wrote a fun blog already today, so now I need to get this down in writing before I lose it.

In therapy the past few weeks I’ve been working through some pretty deep stuff. Death has been at the forefront of my mind lately, probably due to the many deaths that I have seen in the Facebook feed over the past couple years. Whether those deaths were caused by Covid, cancer, heart attack or whatever, I have certainly felt it hit close to home. Just this week, a friend lost her fiancé and another school friend lost his mother.

This week, we dove into the subject of death itself and people in my life who I have lost. We looked at the loss of my grandparents and the loss of my mother specifically. My therapist asked about the first death I every experienced (my grandpa when I was 11). She asked what I felt when that happened. I wasn’t sure. So we moved ahead to my mom (when I was 36). What was I feeling then?

How was it so hard to come up with what I was feeling? Am I blocking feelings?

I came up with: sad, confusion, fear (scared), helplessness, regret, and guilt. I am guessing that there are many more feelings associated with death, but those are what I pulled out of the top of my head.

So I have a homework assignment. I am to look at each of those words and see how they play into things. How did the deaths affect others in my house?

Basically, it seems that grief is a theme in many of our sessions and we are going to examine it further. We’re going to try to pinpoint what event has brought me to where I am today. She told me that there is a phrase that says, “When your hysterical – it’s historical.” There is usually something “back there” that can lead to the way you react and behave.

Why can’t I accept and get past things? What may be hanging around in my brain? What am I protecting myself from?

I don’t know any of the answers.

After therapy my wife asked how it went. I told her I was still trying to process it. I knew we really struck on something, but I didn’t know what. I also expressed how it scared me. Have you ever been afraid to proceed, because you are just not sure what you might find out? That’s where I am at.

Hopefully, we are working toward some sort of resolution and not something that will mess up my head even more!