Yesterday marked the 100th birthday of one of my comedy heroes – Soupy Sales. My dad introduced me to Soupy and his humor when I was young. He grew up watching Soupy when he did a lunch time show in the Detroit area. I was lucky enough to be around when The New Soupy Sales Show hit TV.
I watched it all the time and laughed like crazy. Then in 1986, he had a syndicated show called “The Soupy Sales Moldie Oldies Show.” It featured oldies music, comedy bits and each week he featured a “Joke of the Day.” In honor of his centennial birthday, I thought I would once again share some of my favorite Soupy jokes:
Size 16
A stockbroker is suffering from a recurring ringing in his ears and he goes to the doctor who recommends that he have his tonsils removed. He has them removed, but it doesn’t help. He goes to a second doctor who advises him to have his teeth pulled. This too fails and the ringing continues.
He goes to a third doctor, a specialist, who says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but you are suffering from a rare disease and at best, you have six months to live.”
Since the guy has no relatives to whom to leave his money, he decides to spend every cent he has. He books passage for a trip around the world. He goes to the best tailor in town and orders twenty handmaid suits. He finds a shirt maker and has twenty shirts made to order.
The shirt maker starts taking all the measurements and says, “Thirty-four sleeve. Sixteen Collar.” The stock broker says, “Excuse me, that should be fifteen.” The shirt maker responds and says, “Sixteen collar, look here at the tape measure.” The broker says, “That can’t be. I’ve always worn a fifteen collar and THAT’S what I want!”
The shirt maker replies, “Ok, but you’ll get a ringing in your ears!”
A Newlywed Joke
A young husband just married a couple of weeks comes home from a really hard day at the office. And as soon as he comes in, he falls down on the couch and he is just exhausted.
His bride comes in and looks at him very sympathetically and says, “My darling, you look so tired and so hungry. How would you like a nice steak smothered in onions, vegetables, baked potato, and some delicious pie a la mode?”
The weary new bridegroom looks up at his wife and says, “Not tonight, honey, I’m too tired to go out!”
It’s All About the Money
A guy is at a bar after office hours and he says to his friend, “Boy, I just have to have another drink before I go home. My wife is on my back from the moment I get home till I leave the next day about money. She’s always nagging me about money. Last week she wanted two hundred dollars. The day before yesterday, she wanted a hundred dollars. This morning, she asked for another hundred and fifty dollars!”
And his friend says, “Wow! That’s awful. What could she possibly do with all that money?”
And the guy says, “I don’t know, I never give her any!”
.
A Heavenly Funny
There’s a bus loaded with women and they’re returning from a church worker’s convention. There is an accident, the bus overturns and all the women are killed. Now they all go to heaven and St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and explains that heaven is full and that he’s going to have to put them up in hell until the new subdivision is completed.
Three weeks later, the devil frantically calls up St. Peter and begs him, “PLEASE! Take these women off my hands!!”
St. Peter says, “I can’t I’m still waiting for them to finish this subdivision. I’m still having housing troubles!”
And the devils says, “Troubles?! You don’t know what trouble is!! With all of their cake bakes, bingo games, rummage sales and bazaars, these women are only forty dollars short of air conditioning this place!”
A very cool rendition of Soupy done by artist Greg Joens.
If you have read my blogs in the past, you know that it consists of a mixture of pop culture things (like movie, TV and music thoughts) and personal things (radio stories, school memories, and things from my childhood). As I thought about today’s blog topic, I realized that without this man in my life – this blog would probably not exist! I guess I didn’t really realize it until now. As I scrolled back over the blogs of the past, I see just how much influence he has had in almost ALL of them! I am talking, of course, about my dad. Today – is his 79th birthday. So here are some birthday thoughts for dad.
In the past I wrote a blog about his musical influence. My musical taste is very broad, because I was introduced to so many different genres by him. He introduced me to rock and roll with the music of Little Richard, Bobby Darin, Roy Orbison and Elvis. He introduced me to the “Great American Songbook” with music from Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Bing Crosby. He introduced me to Jazz with Louis Prima, and Ella Fitzgerald. He played me music from Johnny Paycheck, Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard to introduce me to country music. The list goes on and on … but what about other influences?
Movies
I could spend an entire week writing about the various movies he introduced to me! As far as the classic films, most of those were introduced to me because he saw that they were playing on the Monday Night Movie on regular TV or something. You have to remember VCR’s and DVD players were not a staple in the home yet. You also have to remember that I grew up at the time where “pay TV” was just being incarnated. One of the first pay services was “ON TV”. It came on channel 20 at like 8 or 9 at night. They put an antenna on your roof and it unscrambled the signal so you could watch movies. I remember one time I wanted to record Smokey & the Bandit – but as I said, VCR’s were not for home use yet. The last showing of it on ON TV was at 1am one Friday night. My dad actually stayed up with a cassette recorder in front of the TV and recorded the audio for me. What makes this even better is there were scenes that were so funny to him, you could hear him laughing in the background as the movie played.
With Cable TV came The Movie Channel and HBO. As more and more channels became available, American Movie Classics, Turner Classic Movies, and others were the way to watch them. So he’d tell me “You gotta watch AMC at 3 today – they’re playing ‘Angels With Dirty Faces’!” Growing up, I remember hearing my dad talking with my grandparents, my Uncle Tom, or his friends about actors and actresses and the movies they were in. “Great Movie!” or “What a great flick!” I’d hear him say. Well, if he thought it was great – I wanted to see it! Movies I remember watching – only because I had heard him talk about them included The Godfather, White Heat, Little Caesar, Key Largo, Patton, Midway, The Maltese Falcon, and Night of the Hunter. Many of these were films that I’d walk in to the living room and dad would be watching and he’d tell me about them and catch me up so I could watch it with him. I was introduced to Humphrey Bogart, Edward G. Robinson, The Marx Brothers, The Three Stooges, Abbott and Costello, Alfred Hitchcock, Robert Mitchum, Burt Reynolds, and SO many actors just be casually walking into a room where he was watching TV!
The Godfather Part 1 & 2 and Patton are probably some of my favorite films. I remember watching Godfather the first time trying to keep all the names straight. Don Barzinni, Don Stracci, Luca Brazi, Sonny, Fredo, and Tom Hagen were all characters that I had to remember (amongst many more). Dad was there to explain so many things to me as I watched this film the first few times through. I have found myself doing the same thing when I sit and watch it with someone who has never seen it. (On a side note, for one class I had to read books and write book reports for it. I remember dad wrote a book report for me on The Godfather! He got an A!)
TV
Look through my DVD collection and amongst the movies are entire series of classic TV shows. This, again, is a direct result from my dad’s influence. I remember watching re-runs of The Honeymooners on channel 50. I remember when dad told me that Ralph Kramden and Sheriff Buford T. Justice from Smokey and the Bandit were the same person! I don’t know if I would have known that as a 7 year old! I remember staying home sick and watching re-runs of the Dick Van Dyke Show on channel 9 out of Canada. I knew about Carl Reiner because he was one of many cameos in the movie It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (which should have been mentioned in the movie section of this blog). The other stars of “Mad World” were also known to me because of my dad: I knew Mickey Rooney from a flick called Quicksand he rented. I knew Milton Berle from The Dean Martin Roasts and other TV appearances. I knew Jonathan Winters from a classic Twilight Zone episode (Loved watching TZ with him). Among the other “classic” TV shows he introduced me to: The Untouchables, F-Troop, The Munsters, Car 54, Where Are You?, McHale’s Navy, Perry Mason, Combat, Star Trek, Hogan’s Heroes, Mission: Impossible, and Get Smart.
With the availability of video rentals, I remember dad bringing home TV shows that were not shown on TV anymore or shown late at night. You couldn’t really watch The Little Rascals, Laurel and Hardy, or The Three Stooges on TV unless you stayed up late for comedy classics – which usually was on at 11pm or midnight. With the VCR, though, we could go to the store and rent them! I had listened to Jack Benny and Amos and Andy on cassette tapes of old radio shows (again, thanks to dad), but now I was able to see these TV shows – and they were amazing! I used to love watching these shows with him. One thing I always love seeing is my dad laughing and these shows (and a couple I will mention in a minute) always made him laugh – I mean big belly laughs!
I guess you could say that I grew up at a time where some of the “current” shows are now considered classics. Those shows, my brother and I watched on a weekly basis and watched in re-runs. These shows included The Love Boat, Mork & Mindy, Happy Days, Lavern and Shirley, The Dukes of Hazzard, Emergency!, Welcome Back, Kotter, All In the Family, The Jeffersons, The Carol Burnett Show, Barney Miller, Fantasy Island, and Charlie’s Angels. Some of those dad introduced me to, while others he really couldn’t stand.
Sanford and Soupy
The one show that I will forever associate with my dad is Sanford and Son. These shows, no matter how many times we see them remain funny. I can be on the phone with my dad and say, “So last night I watched “the piano movers” and we will both start laughing! Years later, we can quote this show to each other and still crack each other up. Why do we and can we bond over this show? Perhaps it’s the fact that the show is about a father and son and their relationship. I remember how I thought it was odd that Lamont always called Fred, “Pop”. I never used to call my dad that, although somewhere over the years, dad has become “Pop” to me. I call him that all the time now. As a matter of fact, he still often calls me “Lamont”! It is not used flippantly, I use it as a genuine term of endearment! He’s my Pop – and I use it with much love and affection!
Another show that dad introduced me to was The New Soupy Sales Show. He grew up watching Soupy at lunch time. My grandmother often told stories of how Soupy would say “Tomorrow, we’re having bologna sandwiches for lunch” and if dad didn’t have them, he was pissed! Soupy’s new show on channel 20 was pretty much just like the old show. It was full of puns, bad jokes, clips of old movies, funny horoscopes on the radio, the Words of Wisdom, and his friends White Fang, Black Tooth, Pookie and Hippy. It may have been on right after school and before dad came home from work, because I don’t recall him watching it too much with me, however, when it became available on video – we talked about it just like we talk about Sanford and Son.
Traits of a Good Dad
When I became a father, I remember reading something about what makes a good dad. Let me say here that none of us is perfect. My dad was not perfect and neither am I. My point is that when you look at these things, we can assess things we are doing well, things we can improve, and things that we will start doing. As I think back on those things – I can see where I strive to achieve those things and, at the same time, can see a lot of those things in my own father.
For example, a father must be a good disciplinarian. All dad’s love their children, but you know and I know that you can’t let them get away with everything. Dad was this way. The old story about mom saying “Wait till your father get’s home” and the child being scared to death? Yep! That was me! You didn’t want to make dad mad! I would say I made him mad more than a few times.
One time in particular I remember telling him I was spending the night at a friends house. I was out with my girlfriend at the time. We were still in high school, and it was a weekend. We had no money, so we weren’t going to a hotel or anything like that. We just planned on staying out all night. I don’t remember how he found out, but I remember getting a page (remember pagers?!) from the friend who I said I was staying with and he asked why my dad thought I was there! I think my girlfriend’s mom had called my house or something. At any rate – I was in BIG trouble! Dad’s punishment was a fair one (even though I didn’t think so at the time). He proved a point and I NEVER did that again. He let me know that he was in charge. Another time, I got in trouble at school for something. We had a meeting with the teacher and he said what he would go on to tell every teacher afterward in parent teacher conferences, “If he gets out of line again, you have my permission to smack his ass!” (Yes, this was back before a teacher giving the kid a paddle was considered wrong).
A good dad allows his kids to make mistakes. Dad watched me make a TON of them, but he knew that if I was going to learn, I needed to make those mistakes. He’d never let me make a mistake that was life threatening or would put me in danger, but he’d let me make mistakes that he knew, when all was said and done – I’d mature and learn from it. While there were things he questioned, he never really interfered. I learned a lot from that – even though there were times I wish he HAD said something!
A good dad has an open mind. Times change. The way that things were done when he was growing up, well, they may be handled differently now (the paddling in school is a good example). He respected that and embraced it to a degree. As someone who loved all kinds of music, I will never forget the time he called me into the living room to play me this “cool song” he heard and liked. It was “Groove is in the Heart” by Deee-lite. The song was not like anything he’s ever played for me, but he liked it and played it at DJ jobs! He embraces change!
A good dad teaches his kids to appreciate things. Those things can be anything. My dad certainly taught me how to appreciate family and friends. He taught me how to appreciate good music, movies and TV. He taught me how to appreciate what you have and the importance of living within your means.
A good dad accepts that his kids aren’t exactly like him. This may or may not have been a lesson he learned from my grandpa. My dad had always been very accepting of my brother and I. While we all have a lot of similarities, we are all SO very different. He respects that our religious and political views may not be the same as his.
A good dad spends quality time with his children. This is one of those things that is difficult to do in today’s society. We spend so much time working and trying to get things done, that we often spend the hours we are not at work doing these things. As a divorced father with limited time with my boys, I really try hard to make the time we spend quality time, even if it is just a car ride. Some of my favorite memories with my dad are just him and I throwing the ball around in the front yard. That meant more to me than he will ever know!
A good dad leads by example. Dad was never really the “Do as I say, not as I do” kind of guy. He was a hard worker and knew the importance of providing for our family. I never once thought of growing up and not having a job. Dad wasn’t always perfect in this area, but because of that, I was also able to take some of the things that I didn’t like him doing (like smoking) and not doing them.
A good dad is supportive and loyal. I am sure that in my 30 year radio career, my dad probably thought “he needs to get out of that business and find something more stable”. If he thought it – he never once told me that! He was nothing but supportive! If I ever came to him with something that he questioned, he might ask a question or two regarding the opposite viewpoint, but that was it. He might ask “are you sure you want to do this” or “have you thought about what might happen if…”, and then he let me decide. Whatever the decision, he supported it. I have a great respect for that.
A good dad is someone who challenges his kids. I’m sure that there were many ways that dad challenged me. I know there were times I wanted to quit something and he gave me the pep talk to keep going. I cannot recall specific incidents, but I know they were there.
A good dad is a teacher. While dad taught me how to throw a “submarine” ball and how to swing a golf club, he also taught me some valuable lessons. One of the things I have hoped to do is to write down some of those lessons and pass them down to my own children. To illustrate my point: there is a cartoon I saw once of two guys standing in front of three piles of stuff in a garage. The one guy asked what they were. The second guy says, “This stuff is the stuff my dad gave me.” He points to the first pile and says “This is the stuff I want to keep.” He points to the second pile and says, “This is the stuff my dad gave me that I want to share with my kids.” He points to the third pile and says, “This is my stuff that I don’t need and will throw away.” That’s the way it is – as a father, you take things that you learned from your dad and keep the stuff you want to share, throw out what you don’t, and then add stuff of your own.
A good dad protects and provides for his family. When times were tough and money was tight, my dad would DJ or play in the wedding band to bring in extra money. I remember as a young boy my dad going back to college to get a degree so he could move up in his place of employment. It took me over 20 years, but I also decided to go back to school to better provide for my family. I know that my dad would do anything for us, and I would do the same for my family.
Finally, a good dad shows unconditional love. I read where this is the greatest quality of a good father. Even though his child may let him down, upset him, make him mad, disrespect him, and disappoint him … the love remains constant. Not to get theological, but it is one of the great principles spoken of about God in the Bible. It says that no matter how much a child of God angers Him, ignores Him, or disappoints Him – His love is never ending and ever present. THAT is the kind of love a father has for his children.
I am lucky that I have never had to question whether or not my dad loves me. He has done so much for me during my lifetime and continues to do so. I can only hope that he knows how much he is appreciated. I can only hope he knows how thankful I am that he was chosen to be my father. I can only hope that he knows of the impact that he has made on me. I hope that he will never have to question how much I love him.
Thanks, Pop, for being such an amazing man! Thanks for being a wonderful example to me. Thanks for everything you have done to support, encourage, accept, and love my family. Today, I wish you a very happy birthday and wish you many more in the future! I love you, Pop.
I meant to post this yesterday, so consider this … leftovers.
March 14. 3.14. Pi Day!
While a good slice of pie is delicious, it is also one of the great comedic elements of our time. Think about it, a pie in the face is always funny! Many comedians knew this and there are plenty of examples.
Buster Keaton knew it
Laurel and Hardy knew it
Charlie Chaplin knew it
The Three Stooges knew it
Bugs Bunny knew it
Pies were funny on classic TV shows, too! Like The Soupy Sales Show
And I Love Lucy
Bewitched
And even Gilligan’s Island!
Pies were funny in movies, too. Like The Perils of Pauline
Blazing Saddles
And, naturally, the amazing pie scene from The Great Race
Here’s a great shot of director Blake Edwards actually throwing a pie at star Natalie Wood
Even though technically yesterday was Pi (pie) day… I give you permission to grab yourself a slice of your choice. Remember to enjoy a good laugh too!
On the old Soupy Sales show, one of the easiest way to set up a joke was to have someone come banging on his door. One of my favorite lines (that no one else finds funny) goes like this:
(Door Knocking)
(Soupy opens the door) “Yes?”
(Man at door) “Well, I guess you don’t like cats!”
(Soupy) “I don’t like cats? That’d ridiculous! Dizzy Gillespie is a good friend of mine!”
I wasn’t always a cat person. My brother and I always had dogs growing up. When I moved to Ludington in 1991, I was living alone and someone suggested I get a kitten to keep me company. From that moment on, it seems I have always had a cat around the house.
When I was living in Flint, there were stray cats galore in our neighborhood. Each neighbor had a different name for the same cat. Ralphie for us, was Boots for our next door neighbor, or Stanley for our neighbor across the street.
Larry was my cat from Ludington. My dad disliked cats, so when I moved home, he went to stay with my brother. Over the years there was Callie, Frankie, Tigger, Moe, and Lorenzo (who still lives with my older sons.)
Maizey has lived with us for about 3 or 4 years. Originally, she was supposed to be my wife’s cat, but I think she stays by me more. When I go to bed, she jumps up and wants me to pet her. She will often jump up on my lap on mornings I get up before the kids. I will have a cup of coffee next to me, a book or my phone, and Maizey purring away.
So why all this talk about felines? Recently, Sam said she felt like Maizey needed a friend. She felt like she was lonely. She said that she doesn’t really come out as much as she used to. I reminded her that it was probably because Ella and Andrew tend to chase her around or try to grab her tail!
So for a little over a month now, Sam will occasionally show me pictures of kittens that Facebook friends are selling or giving away. I did not think that she was serious about getting Maizey a friend, but I was obviously wrong. Today, we welcomed a new kitty to the house.
Say hello to Mowgli! Sam wanted to name him Bear, because she says he reminded her of a bear. When Sam asked Ella what we should name him – Mowgli came out of nowhere. I can’t tell you the last time she watched Jungle Book, listened to the story or read the book, so I don’t know what made her think of it. She seems pretty sure that Mowgli was the name – so it is. I suggested to Sam that maybe Bear could be his middle name!
I believe the saying goes “A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet!” Thanks to this blog and social media, I have been able to connect with some friends who I have never met face to face. One of those friends is Mr. Puppet.
A few days ago, I posted a blog about random acts of kindness. Today, I need to thank Mr. Puppet for an act of kindness that I was the recipient of. Before I tell you about that, let me tell you about him.
Mr. Puppet is Bob Abdou. He is a ventriloquist and puppet master who has been entertaining folks for many years. As I sat here trying to recall just how I connected with him, I realized that it could have been quite a few ways (all of them on Facebook). For example, it could have been because we are both Beatles fans. I belong to a few Beatles group pages and I may have met Bob on one of those. Is Bob a big fan? Well, he has “a few” Beatles collectibles.
….and a few more ….
… and a few more
….and remember the famous Abbey Road album cover?? Yeah, his Beatles puppets actually walked Abbey Road!!
It could have been through a Beatles page I became acquainted with him. It also could have been one of the Batman pages I follow. He’s a fan of the Caped Crusader, too!
Of course, maybe it was through a love for Spiderman or Marvel comic characters…?
Or maybe it was on a site about collectible Lunch Boxes or Classic Movies or TV Shows?
A better guess might be through a Three Stooges page …
In all honesty, however, I think we met through a mutual love of the legendary Soupy Sales.
He even has an original White Fang puppet in his collection!
Before going on, I think it is apparent from the above photos (all stolen from his Facebook page), that Bob is quite a collector. While I have never been to his home, I understand that it is not an odd thing for people to stay overnight at his place. I would imagine from all of the many photos that I have seen, his house is more like a museum. This incredible collection is simply amazing!
He has amazing stuff from Happy Days that even Henry Winkler would find fascinating!
And I can honestly say, no one I know – except Bob – has a Welcome Back, Kotter collection!!
Back to Soupy and how we met. Bob can correct me if I am wrong, but on one of the Soupy pages on Facebook he posted that Soupy Sales attended his wedding! I couldn’t even imagine how cool that would be! He posted a picture of Soupy with him and his wife, June.
Bob actually remembers the first words Soupy spoke to him at the Friars Club. He has them hanging in his home.
You can learn more about Bob, his shows, and more by surfing to his website:
On January 8th, I posted a small blurb on Facebook about it being Soupy’s Birthday. I included a couple links to past Soupy related blogs that I had written. I later discovered that I had received a private message from Bob:
“Hey Keith. Send me your home address. I have an item to send you soon. Thxs bob“
Keep in mind, Bob and I have never met face to face. I know him through Facebook, we have chatted on occasion and we share a love for many of the same things (The Godfather, The Muppets, Dean Martin, Red Skelton, Hanna Barbera cartoons, and of course the other things I mentioned above). If it had been anyone else asking, I just would have ignored the message. But it was Bob, so why wouldn’t I send him my address? A few blogger friends have my address and have sent me books, Christmas cards, etc… So I sent it to him.
Today, I received the “item” he sent me. I was speechless. Truly. Included in the box was a note that reads, “Since we are both Soupy fans, I want you to have this special toy plaque.”
I have never seen this before. It is so cool! It is obviously Soupy doing his dance “The Mouse,” which was a number one song in New York City and a fan favorite.
From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU, Bob! I will be sure to take good care of it! Your kindness speaks volumes of your character. I am so grateful to have connected with you. I hope to one day get to meet you in person, shake your hand, and compare White Fang impersonations. What a blessing it is to call you my friend! Thank you again!
Bob included his phone number with the package, and I plan on giving him a call in a few days to thank him personally, but for now, his generosity was something that I felt needed a place on the internet. (I also wanted to make sure I gave his website a plug!)
I also wanted to say that it feels good to be the person who performs random acts of kindness. However, when you are the recipient of one of those random acts, it really does feel extra special.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
Elementary, My Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you jerk. Someone has stolen our tent.”
Dead Duck
A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.
A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“
The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.
“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.
“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“
“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”
The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.
A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.
A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.
The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“
The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity
The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“
At midnight tonight, we’ll start a brand new year – 2022. Some have compared a new year to a book. The book with 365 blank pages – one for each day – and said that the book is ours to write. There is truth to that.
As I looked back over my “book” entitled “2021,” I see that (despite the pandemic and all the crap that came with it) I really did have a good year. Bear with me, he’s the recap:
January
January started with some snow. It actually looks like we should be getting snow again this week. Ella absolutely loved being outside in the snow. It was fun to watch her try to figure out just what all the white stuff was. Today, when she sees it, she get’s excited and yells, “Snow! Snow!”
In mid-January, we scratched our heads and wondered just how Ella was 11 months old! I mean, it seemed like she was just born!
The pressure was on as we closed in on her first birthday. With Covid, we weren’t quite sure if we’d even be able to have a party for her.
February
As we got closer to Ella’s birthday, Sam was just not feeling right. 3 days before Ella’s birthday, we found out that baby #2 was on the way!
This took us both completely by surprise! There was great excitement all over again. The hardest part was keeping it a secret…
Ella’s first birthday was a fun and busy day. We ditched the pink blocks and marked the birthday with a HUGE number “1” balloon. This was followed by a trip to the Sea Life Aquarium, the Build a Bear place, and cake at Nana’s house.
We were glad to be able to get some professional “1st Birthday” pictures, too!
March
In March we got our first look at the baby we now know as Andrew/AJ and announced Ella’s promotion to big sister.
Ella also got her first haircut
March also consisted of many walks around the neighborhood and stops at the park.
April
Big brother, Dante’ turned 19 this month! Before that, Easter fell on my mom’s birthday. We got Ella all dressed up in her Easter dress, stopped at the cemetery to visit grandma on her birthday and then went to Nana’s for an Easter Egg hunt!
Ella is so very blessed to have wonderful people in her life. Aunt Margaret is one of them! (She will kill me for posting this picture, but I just love this!!) She and cousin Marissa came to visit and the highlight was watching them read books together.
We also found out the baby’s gender, but that wouldn’t be revealed until May.
May
Birthday’s have never really bothered me, mostly because I opt for the Jack Benny attitude and say that I am stuck at 39. However, in reality I turned 51. 30 was big. 40 was tough. 50 a bit hard to swallow. Over 50? Well…..I examine my own mortality every day.
The month started warm enough that Ella got to spend lots of time in her sandbox and pool.
We revealed that Ella was having a baby brother and got another look at him on an ultrasound.
Ella and I worked on a special project for Sam for Mother’s Day and we got to visit the Detroit Zoo.
May also brought Ella her first taste of corn on the cob!
June
My second oldest boy celebrated his 14th birthday in June. We got to spend Father’s Day together by visiting Crossroads Village. They had a Classic Car Show there and we walked the village and rode the train. It was such a great day with my kids!
It was SO hot that day!!! By the end of it all, Ella was physically exhausted. June was a hot month and we did get to get out and enjoy walks in the park and a day at the splash pad.
July
By July, Sam was 5 months pregnant and was so sick. The pregnancy was a rough one on her. The heat didn’t help things. Despite that, the middle of summer was packed full of amazing things and our family had loads of fun.
We celebrated America’s Birthday, Ella had her first visit to the public library and bowled for the first time, and we all visited the Saginaw Children’s Zoo.
August
As Summer drew to a close, we continued to squeeze as much into it as we could. I got to spend a perfect day doing a daddy daughter picnic, my name was finally on the board at the Corner Cone for a free ice cream, Ella spent lots of time drawing with crayons, and our stress levels were through the roof as we took Ella in for her ear tube surgery. We also got another peak at AJ and had a visit from my brother.
September
Fall! My favorite season of all. I was glad to be able to get together with Margaret, Walt and my buddy Chris at Margaret’s house. Since she’s already mad at the one picture I posted, I’ll just share the one she told me I could share. Hopefully, that makes things a little better….
We always love going to get pumpkins and decorating the front of the house for fall. Ella seemed to like it, too.
Ella and I also got to take one last trip to the Saginaw Zoo before it closed for the season. It was a great day for us, and Sam actually got to relax a bit.
October
We had been told more than once that there was a possibility that the baby would come before his due date. He held out almost until the date! Just two days before he was born, Ella and I got to go outside and enjoy the fall colors.
On October 11th, AJ entered the world. I watched in awe as my son was born and all the pride of being a daddy again filled my soul. We weren’t sure how Ella would handle it, but she welcomed him with open arms.
They still did not have a photographer at the hospital, so we went to JC Penney to have some newborn pictures taken. AJ looks spiffy in his outfit!
While this wasn’t Ella’s first Halloween, it was the first real Trick or Treating adventure for her. She was happy that big brother was there to walk with her. AJ was obviously way too young to attempt to go out this year.
November
Fall walks are among my favorites. I love looking at the colors. Ella and I took many fall walks and there were many instances where she’d just play in a pile of leaves! AJ kept us all busy and so it was just Ella and I making the trip to Bronner’s to get his ornament for the Christmas tree. We enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving at home and got the house ready for Christmas.
December
The final month of the year brought many happy memories. Professional Christmas pictures, my annual reading of Dickens, AJ turned 2 months old, a visit from Papa and Grandma, Christmas Eve with my boys, Holiday lights at Crossroads, our first Christmas as a family of four, and the anticipation of a brand new year.
Blog highlights included my entries to the 2021 Song Draft, salutes to Soupy Sales, my grandpa, and Ernie Harwell, a guest blog from my pal Max, silly blogs about hats and Bernie Sanders’ mittens, fishing memories, my favorite Twilight Zone episodes, and a blog about an amazing cartoon Dog Dad.
There were many sad moments in 2021. I lost classmates and friends to cancer, heart disease, and of course, Covid. If the past two years have taught me anything, it is that life is precious and another day is not promised. You never know when it will be the “last picture,” the “last phone call,” or the “last visit.” It takes me make to that quote that my band director wrote on the grease board my senior year. I have quoted it many times. “Live every day as if it were your last. Someday, you’ll be right.”
Life is too short. Live. Laugh. Love.
As we welcome 2022, I pray that it is a good year for all of us. May we find it full of happiness and good health. May God bless you and yours in the upcoming year.
Get ready. The Book of 2022 awaits. Grab your pen and turn to page (January) 1.
33 years ago today (June 9, 1988) I walked the stage and was handed my diploma (ok, it was actually the diploma case) at my high school graduation. Exactly 25 years later, I would walk the stage again and receive my college degree in Sleep Medicine.
On my way into work tonight, I saw a car driving on Woodward that belonged to a high school senior. With all the driving I do, I am really surprised that this is the first car I have seen painted up, even though this wasn’t all decked out. On the back window was painted “Class of 2021 and #done.” I believe the students last name was also painted on the side window and perhaps his schools mascot. I didn’t get a real good look at it, but it reminded me of the fun I had painting my 1984 Ford Escort as a high school senior.
My car looked nothing like the one pictured above. We certainly didn’t have the florescent colors and such to do something that detailed. My car consisted of quotes from the friends and relatives, references to some of my favorite celebrities, and of course, inside jokes.
I am sure that somewhere at home I have pictures of just the car, but tonight I was only able to find this picture of my brother and I before I left for graduation. From this picture, I can see a reference to my Uncle Tom (Rozmo), a nod to Dr. Demento (the radio host who played novelty songs), “Do the Hucklebuck” (which is a song from a Honeymooners episode that my buddy Steve and I laughed at), and D.A.K. (which is a reference to my government teacher – Mr. Kuisel. All of his shirts had his initials on it.). I can also barely make out “rippin'” on the hood, which was a phrase our buddy Kenny (also known as the Old Stoner) used to say.
Not seen in the above picture, and the only ones that I can recall off the top of my head, is a nod to the great Soupy Sales, a reference to the song Rag Mop (which is a song by the Ames Brothers that my buddy Steve and I performed in a lip synch show), “Double Pinochle” (which was something we always hoped for when we played cards, BTI (a reference to a nickname we used to call a teacher), and “Bite the Bag!” which was a quote my Uncle used to say from some game they played. I am sure there were more silly inside jokes, but until I find the pictures, I am not going to be able to remember them.
33 years later, when I look at my senior picture, I laugh at the cheesy mustache, marvel at the amount of hair I still had, and wonder just what I would tell that kid if I was staring him in the face today!
April is National Humor Month. In an effort to spread laughter and a few smiles, I wanted to share a few of my favorite jokes from Soupy Sales. In the late 80’s he had a syndicated show called “The Soupy Sales Moldie Oldies Show” and each week featured a “Joke of the Day.” The following jokes were featured on that show:
Size 16
A stockbroker is suffering from a recurring ringing in his ears and he goes to the doctor who recommends that he have his tonsils removed. He has them removed, but it doesn’t help. He goes to a second doctor who advises him to have his teeth pulled. This too fails and the ringing continues.
He goes to a third doctor, a specialist, who says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but you are suffering from a rare disease and at best, you have six months to live.”
Since the guy has no relatives to whom to leave his money, he decides to spend every cent he has. He books passage for a trip around the world. He goes to the best tailor in town and orders twenty handmaid suits. He finds a shirt maker and has twenty shirts made to order.
The shirt maker starts taking all the measurements and says, “Thirty-four sleeve. Sixteen Collar.” The stock broker says, “Excuse me, that should be fifteen.” The shirt maker responds and says, “Sixteen collar, look here at the tape measure.” The broker says, “That can’t be. I’ve always worn a fifteen collar and THAT’S what I want!”
The shirt maker replies, “Ok, but you’ll get a ringing in your ears!”
A Newlywed Joke
A young husband just married a couple of weeks comes home from a really hard day at the office. And as soon as he comes in, he falls down on the couch and he is just exhausted.
His bride comes in and looks at him very sympathetically and says, “My darling, you look so tired and so hungry. How would you like a nice steak smothered in onions, vegetables, baked potato, and some delicious pie a la mode?”
The weary new bridegroom looks up at his wife and says, “Not tonight, honey, I’m too tired to go out!”
It’s All About the Money
A guy is at a bar after office hours and he says to his friend, “Boy, I just have to have another drink before I go home. My wife is on my back from the moment I get home till I leave the next day about money. She’s always nagging me about money. Last week she wanted two hundred dollars. The day before yesterday, she wanted a hundred dollars. This morning, she asked for another hundred and fifty dollars!”
And his friend says, “Wow! That’s awful. What could she possibly do with all that money?”
And the guy says, “I don’t know, I never give her any!”
A Heavenly Funny
(Note: To my church and Bible friends, I know how doctrinally wrong this is. Keep in mind, it’s just a joke.)
There’s a bus loaded with women and they’re returning from a church worker’s convention. There is an accident, the bus overturns and all the women are killed. Now they all go to heaven and St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and explains that heaven is full and that he’s going to have to put them up in hell until the new subdivision is completed.
Three weeks later, the devil frantically calls up St. Peter and begs him, “PLEASE! Take these women off my hands!!”
St. Peter says, “I can’t I’m still waiting for them to finish this subdivision. I’m still having housing troubles!”
And the devils says, “Troubles?! You don’t know what trouble is!! With all of their cake bakes, bingo games, rummage sales and bazaars, these women are only forty dollars short of air conditioning this place!”
Artist Greg Joens’ rendition of Soupy Sales! It’s pretty awesome!
The great comedian, Soupy Sales, was born today in 1926. In honor of his birthday, I thought I would share a story I don’t talk about often, because it still makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.
Back in 1989, I was working at WKSG, Kiss-FM in Detroit. I was doing the overnight show and often hung out afterward to help the morning guy, Paul Christy. I had contacted Soupy’s manager and asked if he could cut a few lines for my show. (My favorite was: “Hi Everybody, this is Soupy Sales! Whenever I’m in Detroit, I never miss the Keith Allen Show. I don’t listen to it and I don’t miss it!) In a few weeks, Soupy sent them to the station on a cassette for me along with a note with his phone number. He said to call him If I ever needed any more lines.
A few months later, we were all in the studio and Paul noticed that Soupy was going to be playing a show in town that weekend. He asked me if I still had his phone number. I told him I did. Without missing a beat, he said, “Give it a call and find out where he is staying, so we can get him on for an interview.” Now, it was like 6 am, and the show had just started. I gave him a look and he was dead serious. “Go make the call!”
Paul was my boss. I didn’t want to make him mad, so I was off to the production room and made the call. I’m not sure who I thought I was calling, but I guess I hoped it was his office. It was his home number! His wife, Trudy, answered the phone and it was obvious I woke her up. I told her who I was and why I was calling. She gave me the name of the hotel where Soupy was staying and she assured me that Soupy would get a hold of me. Oh, he did.
That afternoon, I was at home and the phone rang. When I answered it, it was Soupy. He was not very happy. It was obvious that his wife had called him wondering why some schmuck had called her at home at the butt crack of dawn! He gave me a “talking to!” My heart sank as my comedy hero yelled at me for bothering his wife so early. I felt awful.
After it all sank in, I knew I had to make it right. I sat down at the computer and wrote two letters. One to Soupy and one to his wife. I explained how I was wrong for calling so early. I explained how I was just trying to do what my boss had asked me to do. I apologized profusely in both letters. I felt so bad for being disrespectful and for what happened. It was the absolute worst feeling! I cried as I wrote those letters. I felt so bad about the entire incident! Even writing about it now brings back that feeling of “nausea” I had when it happened.
I friend of mine knew the hotel that Soupy was staying at. He said that he would take the letters there for me. He dropped them at the desk and that was that. I would have taken them myself, but the last thing I wanted was to run into Soupy, who at that time I had never met yet. I already felt like crap, and I certainly didn’t want to meet him under those circumstances.
Fast Forward a few years:
Soupy was playing a show at Pine Knob. My buddy Vic and I were going to the show that night. Vic knew Soupy because he worked in New York and often worked near where Soupy lived. That night, before the show, Vic wrote a note on his business card and sent it back to Soupy’s dressing room with a security guard. Next thing I knew, we were being escorted back to see Soupy. Soupy got up and shook hands with Vic. Vic introduced me and when Soupy heard my name, he looked at me and said, “Didn’t we have an incident a few years ago?” I once again felt my heart sink, but Soupy chuckled and said everything was ok. He said he appreciated my apology and proceeded to chat with us as if nothing had happened.
What a relief to finally know that Soupy (and his wife) did get my letters. That was the thing that worried me for years, never knowing if they had actually got to him. He was so gracious and pleasant to me that night. I am glad that I had the chance to shake his hand.
Various Ramblings of a Nostalgic Italian 