Today, I’m a Worry Wart

I have posted this quote before, but it fits today (and hopefully will help). My grandfather once told me, “Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere!” Despite the truth of that, I find my mind all over the place.

As you are aware, my youngest son recently had a second surgery for his laryngomalacia. He had a follow up visit with the ENT last week and the swelling was still there. The doc said that it should have been gone by now. They did a scope in the office and found that aside of the swelling, everything looked good.

The ENT then sent off a note to the pediatric sleep neurologist saying that he didn’t feel that Andrew’s apnea was something with his throat. He told her that he thought it might be something neurological. She thought that might be the case, too. Andrew actually had a visit with the pediatric neurologist this week. We walked away from that visit with more questions and some concerning possibilities.

He is already in speech because of the original delay. Now, he is dropping syllables in words, or changing them to a different letter. “Mommy” is now “monny.” “Daddy” is now “dah-eee.” The speech therapist had noticed that it seemed as though he was losing muscle tone in his face. The neurologist feels the same way.

It was a very long appointment. At one point, after reviewing the symptoms and giving him an exam, she said, “What am I missing?” She thought a bit more and presented the plan. We are at the point where we need to start ruling stuff out. There were many procedures ordered and we are going to be very busy.

He will have a 24 hour EEG, a brain MRI, generic blood workup, and yet another sleep study. The EEG will help rule out seizures. The brain MRI will help to rule out cerebral palsy. The sleep study will evaluate where his apnea is at and the possibility of another CPAP machine. The generic blood work is to rule out things like Fragile X syndrome and other possible genetic disorders. He will also see a specialist to rule out things like Muscular Dystrophy.

As a father, these things brought my stress levels sky high. Andrew has already been through so much. I don’t want to have to put him through any more, but we need to know what’s going on. Our neurologist applauded Sam and I for being proactive. Our medical backgrounds really made us question a lot, and she said that we are ahead of the game.

Sam keeps me balanced. I expressed my worries to her and she told me that we can’t worry about what we don’t know yet. There are a lot of possibilities, but until we have something to worry about, Sam and I will pray that all will be ok.

It helps me to write this down for a couple reasons. First, seeing it in front of me “gets it out.” Next, it allows me to fill folks in who are asking about what is going on. Finally, it allows me to expand the prayer chain. If you pray, can I ask that you keep this fine young man in yours?

Thanks in advance!

Closer to Answers?

This morning, I had a telemedicine visit to discuss whether or not I qualified for ADHD testing. You may recall a few months ago, there was some discussion with my PCP and my therapist about whether or not this is something I am dealing with. I blogged about it here:

Mayday! Mayday! I Have Problems!

In the 45 minute call the doctor asked me many questions and by the end of it all, I was told that I was to come in next week for about 3 hours worth of testing. It looks like it is very probable that this is an issue for me.

She asked me about things I had really no idea were ADHD related:

Do I often misplace things?

Am I disorganized?

Am I quick to anger?

Do I often zone out when people are talking to me?

Do I have a problem with motivation?

Do I sometimes hyper-focus?

Am I easily distracted?

Do I drink a lot of caffeine?

Do I have time management issues?

Am I forgetful?

Am I impulsive?

Do I have trouble falling asleep?

Do I have mood swings?

Do I have issues multi-tasking?

Do I get frustrated easily?

Do I cope with stress well?

Do I worry?

The questions kept coming and almost all of my answers were “yes!”

She asked about my relationships with my folks, my wife, my brother, and my kids. She asked about family history and more. It was eye opening. I am sure that the testing and questionnaires that I will be working with next week will help further some sort of diagnosis.

She stated that in most cases a simple medication change can help with things. I certainly hope so.

It seems like it took forever to finally talk with someone. I’ll be glad to have some sort of answers in the near future.

In the meantime, I wanted to tell you … (head turns quickly) …. Squirrel!

Emotional Weekend Recap

It is taking all that is in me to write a blog today. I don’t feel like writing. I’m numb today.

All weekend long I struggled with whether or not to proceed with something. It is something that has weighed very heavy on my heart. It is something that comes with risks no matter what I decided to do. I have spent three entire therapy sessions (one I scheduled purposely) discussing it with my therapist. No matter how much I talked about it, no matter how I looked at it, no matter what the pros and cons were, I still don’t feel like I was ready to make a decision. Based on previous blogs, you can probably figure out what I am talking about.

It doesn’t really even matter what it is. I wrestled to make a decision and now I am wrestling with the decision I made. I am literally numb. I am feeling many emotions today – fear, anger, sadness, uncertainty, worry, and so many more. As I stared at the computer screen, I wondered just what the hell I wanted to write about. So I grabbed my phone and looked back at some of the pictures from the weekend and figured maybe I should at least talk about the positives.

Positives

First of all, I got to spend the entire weekend with my wife and daughter. It was an extended weekend for my wife and I, and as a bonus we both got Tuesday off. We actually had time to sit on the couch and watch shows we had on the DVR, which is something we rarely get to do. Ella had us laughing a lot this weekend. Recently, Sam’s folks bought her an easel. It has a chalkboard, whiteboard, place for paper, etc… We thought that this would be great for her to draw on. We haven’t let her paint yet, but she can color on it and uses the chalkboard a lot. Up until now, the sidewalk chalk had to stay outside. Now she has it on the easel, which isn’t always a good thing ….

This probably won’t stop her from drawing on the furniture … but it was worth a try!

On Sunday, I got together with two of my close friends from high school – Margaret and Chris. It was probably a couple months ago that a picture of the three of us came up in Facebook Memories. I think it said the picture was taken 10 years ago! While I’ve gotten together with them separately since, it had been that long since we all got together. So we met at Margaret’s house and she had a cook out. The town was hopping because the peach festival was going on. I got their late, because I thought we were supposed to get together on Monday. No matter, we all got to sit around and chat, reminisce, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company. Before we wrapped up the day, I said we had to get another picture! I sent the picture to both of them, and each of us posted it on our pages. Margaret joked around and said to crop the picture more …. so I did….

Sometimes, I have to do things just to take my mind off the crap that is on social media. I am so sick of the politics, hatred, and sadness that is often the subject of posts on Facebook. During conversation at Margaret’s, the topic turned to some silliness I have been posting. I did this last September, too. I know it is stupid, but it truly makes me laugh and I share to save my sanity.

One of the Three Stooges pages I follow on Facebook takes Shemp Howard’s picture and Photoshops them on other pictures. The can be movie stills, magazine covers, etc. They call the entire month of September – SHEMPtember! So every day this month, I find a silly pic from their page and post it. This remains one of my favorites, and I am sure my musical followers will get a good laugh from it, too….

30 days of stupidity? Yeah, probably. I’ll take the stupidity and enjoy the laugh over the other things I am feeling any day.

The rest of the weekend falls into the area that I’d rather not think about ….

I hope you had an enjoyable Labor Day Weekend.

Be careful for nothing …

I needed to read this verse tonight. The Greek word translated “careful” in verse 6 is (μεριμνάω) merimnáō. It literally means “to be anxious” or “to be troubled with cares.” Anxious is defined: experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. So the verse is saying “Don’t be anxious about anything!” “Don’t be full of worry!” It is easier said than done sometimes.

I haven’t really said anything on here or really anywhere about this, but I think my anxiety level is starting to rise a bit too much. Ever get that feeling like things are closing in on you? Feel like you are surrounded by things that are just out of your control? That’s kind of where I am right now. I’ve been in this place before, and have been able to get it under control. It just feels like the things I was able to do to get them under control, aren’t helping like they did before.

Admittedly, there are things that I know contribute to this. Lack of sleep, for example. I am just not getting enough, and won’t be getting enough for some time. With a baby on the way, and a toddler, I’ll be grabbing sleep in little chunks for a while. What is bothersome to me about sleep is that instead of getting my usual 5-6 hours, I am waking up a lot, usually from weird dreams. Then my mind won’t shut off long enough about other things to let me fall back to sleep.

I made the choice some time ago to stop watching the news. This really helped eliminate much of the barrage of Covid stories that I was seeing. Covid and just the fear and uncertainty that came with it led to me having a breakdown a year ago. Staying away from those stories helped. However, my phone continues to “ding” throughout the day and night with Covid stories from Yahoo News and other apps. Then there is the constant stories that friends share on Facebook.

Let me put it this way, I can see why many people are choosing to leave Facebook. There is so much misinformation, countless arguments, and hatred within my newsfeed daily. I have muted or snoozed many people because of it. That doesn’t stop it, though. Any time a post mentions “Covid” or “Vaccine” there is a link that automatically shows up.

Then you have the fight between people who are pro-vaccine and anti-vaccine. This falls into the same category as whether you should wear a mask or not. It is amazing how polarizing this is. It is almost as polarizing as what we saw during the past few elections. Pro/Anti Trump. Pro/Anti Biden. There has always been divisions in our country, but it seems that it in society today, if someone disagrees with you, it leads to hatred and violence. I know way too many friendships that have been broken because of the failure to “agree to disagree”

I digress. If I am being honest, I am beginning to feel overwhelmed again. I know that I shouldn’t, yet I do. I need to take those verses and focus on them. I know that is where I will find peace.

Remember the opening of the Twilight Zone where all the things are spiraling around?

That is how I feel on a daily basis and it is taking my focus away from where it needs to be! I feel like I am surrounded by Covid and cancer and the deaths that they bring about. I feel like the vaccine is being talked about everywhere – whether the talk is good or bad. Then we have all the stuff that is going on in the Middle East, Earthquakes and natural disasters. I seem to have daily conversations with people about whether or not we are in the Biblical End Times. It is overwhelming.

THEN factor in that my wife and I are are expecting a baby and the pregnancy has had its share of scares and worry. Those worries outweigh ALL of the others. As mentioned in a pervious blog, those worries were put at ease to some degree with the latest ultrasound. However, we have 8 weeks left and I still have some concerns.

My mind is one big muddled mess at times.

I am struggling to remember things. I zone out during conversations for no reason at all. I can listen to something or read something over and over and not comprehend what I just heard/read. I’m scared about some things right now. I will spare you the details of that.

I’m hoping to dig myself out of the rut and get back to normal. I have the support of my wife and family. I have the support of my Christian friends. I have God on my side. I will do my best to “let go and let God.”

Thank you for allowing me to vent.