Mom’s 78th

Sometimes, you reread something and know there is nothing more that you can add. This is one of those blogs.

Many readers of this blog have only been reading it for a couple years. One of the first blogs I wrote was back in 2018 in honor of my mom’s 70th birthday. I thought I would revisit and update it a bit. I have mentioned her a few times in blogs, but this blog will really give you an idea of just how much she meant to me.

April 4, 1948. 78 years ago today, one of the most heroic, strongest, and special people was born. She wasn’t an actress in television or movies, and was far from famous. As a matter of fact, unless you know me personally, you probably have no idea who she is. That is the reason for this blog. Today, I want to introduce you to my mother. This blog will serve a few purposes: First, I want to, in a very simple way, pay tribute to the first woman who I ever loved with all my heart. Second, I hope that those reading take away a small lesson from it. Lastly, writing my feelings out has been very therapeutic and helps me personally be a better person.

The bond between a mother and a son is as special as that of a daughter and a dad. It wasn’t until I became a father that I really truly realized just what my parents felt when they held me for the first time. Sure, I have seen hundreds of pictures of my mom and dad holding my brother and I. In each of those pictures, they wear smiles as big as Texas! Once you become a parent you know that the smile, no matter how big it is, doesn’t even begin to express the joy that you feel within you!

My mother and father met because she saw his name in the paper. My dad was in Vietnam fighting in the war, and my mom wrote him a letter. They were both from the same city and they corresponded until he came home. Neither mom or dad told me us much about the letters, but they obviously liked each other because they ended up getting married.

You always knew where mom was. My mother was loud. She was Ethel Merman loud! Remember the first play you were in, and the teacher or director said that you needed to talk to the wall in the back of the room so people could hear you? That’s kind of the way my mom talked normally. And boy, could she talk! She spent countless hours on the phone talking to friends and family (I guess this is one thing I inherited from her, because I am the same way). My house was the one you would call and always get a busy signal (this was back in the days of corded phones and there was no call waiting, kids). There was never a doubt when it was time to come home – mom would simple open the door and yell, “Keith Allan” and even if I was four streets away, I could hear her!

She laughed just as loud. She enjoyed life and it showed. Her boisterous laugh could shatter glass, and she didn’t care. I remember watching Bill Cosby, Himself on HBO with her. She laughed so hard.

She could be everyone’s friend, but don’t cross her, because if you did, you would certainly regret it. She could be incredibly loving and at the same time, when crossed, be terribly angry.

While she was usually loud, I do want to interject that there were plenty of times where my mom spoke to me in a normal or soft voice. Those talks were usually because I came to her with an issue and she gave me support or advice. Sometimes, she spoke softly to me when I was sick, in pain, or upset. The fact that she could speak to me in this way, made what she was saying even more meaningful.

Back in the day, we didn’t have cell phones to take pictures or movies. My dad had an 8mm movie camera and he had many films that he had taken of my grandparents and family, and eventually, he took movies of me as a baby. While I don’t remember these events personally, I can watch them and be a part of the memories caught on film. One of the movies I remember the most is my mom guiding me down the hallway in our house on Brandywine on various vehicles. It’s actually silly to think about, because it was almost like I was a model showing off different outfits, except there were no outfits, they were toys. There was mom smiling and pushing me down the hall on a tricycle, then a big wheel, some other contraption, and finally this metal fire truck. Man, I remember that fire truck! I am glad that there are pictures floating around of it still. I wish I still had it!

Mom was a night owl. She would stay up late and watch old movies on TV until 5am and then finally go to sleep. On Saturday nights on Channel 20, she would watch these ridiculous Kung Fu movies. I remember one day walking in and wondering why the hell the people’s mouths were not matching up to the words being said. She laughed and told me that they were speaking another language and I immediately said, “but I can understand them”, which made her laugh more. Because she was such a late sleeper, I remember many mornings when my brother and I would go in and jump on the bed to annoy her. It’s funny the things you remember from when you were a kid – not sure why, but I have never forgotten a set of sheets that had stripes on them or the gold comforter that used to be on the top of my parents bed.

Mom (along with dad) was certainly my biggest supporter. I remember her being in the audience when I was the lead role in the school play. I was a snowman. I had to sing. She helped create my costume. It was basically a white stretchy thing with pillows around my chest and belly to make me look like a snowman. My grandma and my aunt were there that night, too. She was smiling so big when she came back afterward. I remember her telling me how good I sang. It was such a boost. I will always remember that. On the other side of the coin, she held me and told me everything was ok when my car lost the Pinewood Derby.

While mom was a good disciplinary, there were times that my brother and I often had to wait for the “higher authority”. “Wait until your father gets home…” were words we did not want to hear. I’m not sure who spanked harder, to be honest, because they could both leave a nice handprint on our behinds if we deserved it.

Like any child, as you get older, you think that you know it all and think your parents are overprotective. You feel as though they are doing everything in their power to make your life miserable. When you are an adult, you look back and realize that they always had your safety and best interests in mind. Mom and I did go through a period where we did not get along. My dad and I were obviously a lot closer during this time. It wasn’t until I was 20, that my relationship with mom grew stronger than ever.

In early 1991, I was single and had the opportunity to move away to do radio full time. I would be four hours away from home, and at the time I was ok with that. It was during this time that mom started to call on a regular basis to check up on me. She sent me “just because” cards and letters. Her letters and cards helped me, a guy who thought he’d be ok away from friends and family, feel so much better. I could not get to the mailbox faster each day, in hopes that I would find a note from home.

In 1995, I was just doing radio part time, and was working in the Mailroom at EDS. I was told by a co-worker that I had a phone call. When I picked up the phone it was mom. She did not sound right. I asked her what was up, because she never called me at work. She told me that she had just got back from the doctor and told me she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember feeling like I had been punched in the stomach. I sat staring off into space for what seemed like eternity until she said, “It’s going to be alright and we are discussing treatment options.” I could not fathom what I was hearing. As I hung up, my boss asked if everything was ok, and I told him about the call. He immediately sent me home, saying that was where I needed to be.

Breast Cancer. I hated that disease. It had already taken the life of my grandmother, and now it was threatening to do the same to my mother. She was a fighter and I knew if anyone could beat it, she would. There were many times I sat back and wondered if she was going to be around for future things in my life. There were times when she would go into remission and we would celebrate, and then there were times we heard of the return of the cancer. There were many ups and downs and she was strong through them all.

She had a lot of help from her friends during this time. Diane was like a long lost sister. They were like Thelma and Louise, Lucy and Ethel, and Laverne and Shirley. They would hang out together somewhere, come home and get on the phone and talk for hours. There was such a love between the two of them. She was such an amazing support for her. Recently, Diane also lost a battle with cancer. I envisioned mom waiting at the pearly gates to great her and the conversation picked up where it left off.

There were only two times in the 10+ years that she battled the disease where she thought of giving up. The first time was about a year and a half before my oldest son was born. Mom was not a grandma yet, and when she found out that her first grand baby was on the way, she gained a new strength that I had never seen. She was not going to NOT be here to hold her grandbaby. A surge of determination and strength came to my mom. It was amazing.

She was the one who slept (very uncomfortably) in a chair in the hospital waiting room as my oldest son was being born. She, along with my ex-mother-in-law, were the first to see him. They saw me wheeling him with a nurse down to the nursery. I don’t think I ever saw her happier. It was magical. I saw a whole new sense of love in her. My God, she loved him more than anything.

In the four short years she spent with my son, she spoiled him rotten. When we found out that he was developmentally delayed, she spoiled him even more. He made her smile as much as she made him smile. The mutual love they had for each other still brings tears to my eyes. After therapy sessions, I would take my son out for breakfast and we would call her on the phone. It was always a wonderful thing to witness. She would always tell me to make sure to call when we were at breakfast. I can still hear my boy telling grandma about Thomas the Train or Elmo.

She knew he loved Thomas the Train. Towards the end of her battle with cancer, she bought tickets for us to go to see Thomas and ride the train. She was so sick by this time, but she was not about to miss out on this day. She was moving slow, she had a walker and her wheelchair, and I was worried she wouldn’t be able to get up on the train. What was I worried about? When it came time, she stood and walked up there to sit next to her grandbaby. There is one picture of her on the train with him that remains one of my all time favorites. You would never know that she was sick.

The only other time I saw her give up during her battle with cancer, and that was when they told her there was nothing more they could do. There was really no further treatment and now it was all about making her comfortable. She knew at that point that she fought a good fight, but the cancer was going to prevail. At this point, it was time to start saying goodbyes.

Toward the end, there was one day when we were all together in the living room. Mom was in her hospital bed, and we all sat around telling stories. My brother, my aunt, my dad, and I laughed, cried, and all heard things we’d never heard before. It remains one of those days that I will remember forever. At one point, she said she was tired and everyone left the room. I asked if I could have a minute with her and we got to share some very special conversation. As my son left the room, she shed a tear and said to me, “That one is going to hard to leave behind”. It is a memory that is etched forever in my mind.

I was out at a restaurant when the call came from my dad. “I think you should come home. We’re close.” Just a day before I had spoke with mom on the phone, and she seemed a bit out of it, but ok, so I was surprised at dad’s call. The minute I walked into the living room when I got there, I knew just how close we were. We all took turns sitting next to her and talking to her. She was not able to speak any more.

At one point, I could see that we were all exhausted. I told my dad that I would stay up with her if he wanted to rest. During the time I was with her, I held her hand, spoke with her, told her how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her. I reminded her of some Bible verses we had talked about in the past. I wiped tears from her eyes with a tissue and prayed with her. Throughout that time, her breathing was mostly shallow. At one point she took a bit of a bigger breath, and it returned to short breaths. Then, at 5:24am on October 25, 2006, she took a long, deep breath, and she passed away still holding my hand. I will never forget sitting there waiting for the next breath that never came. I looked at my phone to see the time and woke everyone.

One year later, while looking for something in my dad’s basement, my brother found a bunch of envelopes. One was addressed to him, one to me, one to my dad, etc… What an amazing thing it was to read a message from my mom long after she passed away. The sad thing was that the notes were written before my son was born, so she doesn’t mention him in it. “Know that I love you” was the first thing she said to me. There was never a doubt, mom. Never a doubt.

There was a reason I picked the song “Hero” to dance with my mother to at my wedding. She showed strength that I could never know as she battled that damn cancer. She fought like no one I had ever seen. She pushed and kept pushing. She said she was going to “kick this cancer’s ass”! She hated it with a passion and she was bound and determined to win! She was truly my hero. I was so amazed at her fight against it.

Now, almost 20 years later, the pain of her passing remains. She lives on in many memories. There are so many things I wish she had been around to see. I wish that she was around to see and spoil her second and third grandsons and her first granddaughter. We named our daughter Ella (Pamela) after her (and Sam’s mom, who both share the same name). I think of the amount of love that she gave to my first son and can’t even begin to imagine the love that she would have for the rest of my children! She was born to be an amazing grandma – time just wouldn’t let it happen.

When I originally wrote this blog, I had yet to know that Sam and I would be married. I know without a doubt that she would have loved Sam! She would have loved to see me so happy. I am sure that she would find ways to spend time with us, spend the night, babysit and just be with our family. That was how she was. Sam saved my life, and my mother would be extremely thankful for that. I know that if she were around they would be shopping together, finding the right outfits and toys for the kids and just hanging out watching Grey’s Anatomy or something. Sigh – How I wish she could be here!

I wish that she were around to know some of the people who have played such an important part of my life over the last 20 years. There are people who have come into my life since she passed away that she would have loved. I am sure that there would be things she’d have opinions about, there would be things that would make her angry, and there would be things that would still make her laugh. She would have been there for council, as she had always been in the past. I only wish that I had done more with our time together.

The lesson I hope someone takes away from this blog is one that I have stated in the past: Make every moment count. Answer the phone calls from mom, one day those phone calls are going to stop. Make time to listen to the same story mom has told you a hundred times, one day you will long to hear it again. Never stop telling your parents you love them, one day they will not be around to hear it. Never stop hugging your mom or dad, one day you will miss the comfort you found in them. Everyone is put in your life for a reason. Some may be there to guide you. Some may be there to teach you a lesson. Some may be there to love you. My mom was in my life to do all of those things.

The sad realization is that time is a funny thing. You never know how much you have. There is never a guarantee of tomorrow. Hell, there is never a guarantee of the next hour or minute! Use that time wisely, because it is too precious to waste. Again, that old saying from the band room grease board holds true, “Live every day as if it were your last – some day you’ll be right”. In the same way, you never really know when you are going to be talking to or seeing someone for the last time. Make that time count.

I would give anything to tell mom Happy 78th Birthday face to face today. I know if I did, I would probably have some crack about her being old and call her Old Grey Haired Sally or something, and she would smack me and laugh. I would welcome that today. She is missed by so many, and my heart will forever ache that she is not here today. She lives on in memories. Those memories still bring tears, but also smiles, because they are memories of her. I have written this blog holding back tears. There are so many more memories I could share, but I will end for now.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Mom. Thank you for all you did for me while you were here….and all you continue to do for me in your absence. As I said at your funeral, “See you later”.

Leap Day #1 Songs!

When I thought about what to do for the year’s “bonus” day, my first thought was to list a bunch bunch of songs about “leaping” and “jumping.” Then I thought that was just too easy. So I decided to take another musical look at February 29th.

I present to you a look at songs that have the honor of being number one on Leap Day. So let’s leap back to 1940 …

2/29/40 – Glenn Miller and his Orchestra had the number one song with their best known song. In the Mood.

2/29/44 it was Glen Gray and the Casa Loma Orchestra with My Heart Tells Me

2/29/48 – Art Mooney was feeling lucky with I’m Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover

2/29/52 – Johnny Ray was shedding tears with his number one – Cry.

2/29/56 – The Nelson Riddle Orchestra took us to Lisbon Antigua

2/29/60 – It was Percy Faith and his orchestra with The Theme From a Summer Place.

2/29/64 – Of course, in 64 it had to be a Beatles song – I Want to Hold Your Hand was on top of the charts.

2/29/68 Yet another instrumental was number one. This time, Love is Blue from Paul Mauriat

2/29/72 – Harry Nilsson lamented about living Without You

2/29/76 – A TV Tune was number one. The Theme from S.W.A.T. from Rhythm Heritage

2/29/80 – Classic Queen! Freddy Mercury and the boys sat at number one with Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

2/29/84 – A song about leaping/jumping …. Jump from Van Halen

2/29/88 – George Michael took the top spot with Father Figure

2/29/92 – The is some confusion as to this particular year, however, the chart is dated 2/29/92 and it says the number one was held by Mr. Big – To Be With You (some people say Right Said Fred – I’m Too Sexy)

2/29/96 – It was the amazing pairing of Boys II Men and Mariah Carey on One Sweet Day

2/29/2000 the group Savage Garden hit number one with a forgotten favorite – I Knew I Loved You

2/29/04 Usher said “Yeah!” about having the number one tune. Any time I think of Lil Jon, I think of that sketch on the Dave Chappelle Show … LOL

2/29/08 – Flo-Rida hit number one with a song that still makes people dance – Low

2/29/12 Kelly Clarkston held the number one spot with Stronger

2/29/16 Justin Beiber was sitting at number one with Love Yourself

2/29/20 it was a song that I find to be a total piece of garbage. The lyrics disgust me and the fact that it was a number one song really makes me sick. I’ll just mention it, but I certainly will not be posting it here. The Box by Roddy Ricch.

As for today, it seems that Beyonce is at number one with something called Texas Hold ‘Em. I read the lyrics. Never heard it. I don’t care to.

Final thoughts? There were a lot of instrumentals on Leap Day! There were certainly some good tunes, some long forgotten, and some crap. Music is subjective. Any stick out for you?

Happy Leap Day!

So Many Reasons Why I Love Her

Today is National Spouses Day! I don’t need a “holiday” to celebrate my wife. As a matter of fact, yesterday I brought her flowers because I wanted to.

I have been blessed to have been married to my wife for almost 6 years. I love her and am still in love with her. As with most relationships, there are always rough spots. It is during those times that is is important to remember why you fell in love with each other at the start. What I have found is that when I begin to list all the reasons I love her, it only reminds me of what she means to me.

I love her eyes. They still sparkle and I love looking into them.

I love her smile and her laughter. They are contagious.

I love that she still makes me laugh, even if it is at my expense.

I love that she is such an amazing mother to Ella and Andrew. Her love for them is constant. I love seeing just how much they love her!

I love that her hands fit perfectly in mine.

I love that she is “in the know” about everything. She is a walking day planner. She remembers things that I forget! I can always count on her to keep our family on track.

I love that she has always been supportive of me and encouraged me to do things out of my comfort zone.

I love that she has always strived to be her best, whether it be her education, career, or just “mom.”

I love that she will sit and watch football (or things like Columbo or the First 48) with me.

I love that she is not afraid to say what is on her mind.

I love that she shares good books with me.

I love her patience with me and all of the other craziness in our house.

I love her kisses and her hugs. I always feel safe in her arms.

I love that she is the center of our family and keeps us all in balance.

I love those rare occasions when we get a date day/night together.

I love that she doesn’t see just how beautiful she is, even though I am always telling her.

I love her voice.

I love all the wonderful things we have shared together and look forward to the things we will do together in the future.

I love going on walks in the neighborhood with her.

I love that she has made me a better person.

I love that she believes that sometimes cereal or ice cream are ok for dinner.

I love watching her play with our kids.

I love video chats with her and the kids while I am at work.

I love that I get to be her hero when there is a spider that needs to get squashed.

I love her because she loves God and believes in the power of prayer.

I love her compassion for others.

I love her because she took a very broken guy like me and completes me.

I love that any time there is a decision to be made, we do it together.

I love her because I am still amazed that a woman like her would choose a guy like me. She is so much better than me.

I love her because she is everything to me.

I love her because I could continue to list 100+ more things I love about her!

Happy Spouses Day, Sam! I love you mostly because – You are YOU!

I Hate Those Calls

The other day I received a message from a high school friend: “Hey. Are you up?” I didn’t see it because it was sent through Snapchat and I tend not to look at those right away. The following day, I texted her back and said, “Sorry I missed you. Is everything ok?”

It is sad, but it seems more and more messages that start that way bring about bad news. I know her mom really well and thought it might be something to do with her. She texted back, “I just wanted to let you know about (our mutual friend).” She then said she’d call me in a few.

The more time went by, the more I began to think about how strange this was. I had just reached out to our friend around Christmas. I messaged her on Facebook and said Merry Christmas and wished her well in the New Year. I then remembered I hadn’t heard back. I opened my Facebook messenger and saw that the message I sent her had not been read. This made me start to worry.

When my friend called back, I asked her what was going on. I was informed that our friend was in hospice care. I was stunned. I couldn’t even begin to imagine this. I hadn’t heard from her in a while, but I knew she had all kinds of things going on at home and figured she was sorting through all of that. I had no idea that she was sick.

I was told that she has an aggressive form of Bile Duct Cancer. It’s a rare cancer and it has metastasized into the brain. Within 24 hours of my friend’s call, she texted to say that they were upping the morphine and our friend would most likely be in a coma like state until she passes. I had hoped to visit her today, but wasn’t able to get there. I haven’t heard an update today.

I’m 53. We graduated together, so we’re about the same age. We reconnected through Facebook years ago, and when I was going through my divorce, she often reached out to see how I was. Our group of mutual friends all went out to dinner one night and it was so much fun. It was like being in high school all over again. Those friendships picked right up where we left off. She and I messaged often and when she started having issues in her life, the tables turned and I was there to talk with her and offer support. Now, she is in her final days.

I read a quote from someone online that really hit home:

“One of the absolutely worst things about getting old, is the loss of friends and loved ones to sickness and ultimately death. The longer I live, the more I find myself reminiscing about the folks who peppered my world with the joy of their presence, now gone forever.”

This is so true. I have so many things in my life to celebrate and that make me happy (my family first and foremost), but as I get older, it hurts to lose some of those wonderful people who shared good times with me.

The above quote from Leo Buscaglia should be something that should be on our minds daily. When they say “tomorrow is promised to no one,” they are right. In the blink of an eye, or in one millisecond life can change.

A co-worker was in a serious accident this week. She is ok, but her car is totaled. All it would have taken is a second earlier or a second later, or any other minute factor and the outcome could have been very different. You never know when it’s time.

The quote at the top of this blog is one that a good friend of mine had written on a mirror in her home. “Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many” It was found by her son when they were cleaning out her home. This friend was only 5 years older than me. Now, my friend in hospice is being denied that privilege, too.

I am grateful for the times we shared together and will miss her.

Thought Provoking Quotes

I came across two quotes today that cause me to really think. One was posted by a Facebook friend and the other was something I came across in an article on leadership. I wanted to post them here so I’d have them.

First, from Dr. Tim Lautzenheiser –

“It is easier to work with someone with a great attitude and a little bit of talent rather than someone with lots of talent and a bad attitude.”

I won’t lie, this kicked me in the teeth. I think attitude is something you really need to work at, and frankly, sometimes the circumstances make it very difficult to stay positive. I have a hard time with this and hope to keep my attitude on the positive side – even when every thing around me seems to be falling apart.

The second quote was posted my my friend Kathy –

“You still haven’t met all of the people who are going to love you.”

I had to re-read that two or three times, just because it blew me away! It is almost hard to comprehend. Yet, at the same time, when you really think on it – it makes sense. I think about the people I met late in my life who I have come to love dearly (and vice versa). At one point prior to meeting, that quote was true. It still is true. Future friends, future grandchildren, future in-laws, etc…

The quote is powerful and deep.

What about you? Have you heard something that really made you think? Was there a quote that really spoke to you?

My Heart Aches

Just shy of 6 months ago, a school shooting happened 45 miles from my home in Oxford, Michigan. It happened at the high school. 4 students were killed and 7 were injured. 10 days ago, there was a mass shooting in Buffalo, NY at the Tops Supermarket that took the lives of 10 people. Today, another mass shooting at an elementary school that killed 19 students and a teacher.

From NPR:

Education Week as been tracking school shootings since 2018. According to its database, 119 such incidents have taken place since then. There were 27 school shootings with injuries or deaths this year.

The Gun Violence Archive, an independent data collection organization, has counted 212 mass shootings that have occurred so far this year, as of Tuesday. It defines a mass shooting as an incident in which four or more people were shot or killed, excluding the shooter.

As for school shootings, according to Education Week, 2021 had 34 such incidents at educational institutions (the highest since the organization started its database). In 2020, there were 10 shootings. Both 2019 and 2018 recorded 24 shootings.

Mass shootings are becoming more and more common. I read a blog today that said: I’m not trying to be glib, but mass killings in America have become a bit like living near train tracks. The trains routinely rumble past, but we are so used to it, we stop noticing them after a while. (The blog was pointlessoverthinking.com) I truly hope this is not the case.

It is sickening to me. For the life of me, I cannot understand what motivates someone to do something like this. 19 children – elementary school children with bright futures ahead of them – had their lives taken away from them. 19 families – parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles – all will mourn the loss of someone near and dear to them for many months and years ahead.

How many children told their parents they loved them for the last time this morning? How many parents said they’d see them later when dropping them off at school? How many had plans to go to dinner with family after school? It is SO upsetting to me.

Sam and I were discussing preschools and schools just this weekend. We’d also talked about home schooling as well a few months ago. It scares me to think about it.

I know that “active shooter” and “lock down” drills have become a regular thing in schools today. However, I think about those elementary kids. Do they even know to run? If a gun was going off in a building it would be loud and scary. I know many a child who would just stand there and cry.

When the story about the shooting broke today, it originally stated that 2 children had died. That number quickly grew to 14 and now 19. The numbers don’t matter, because one child is too many. I feel tremendously sad for the families of those children, the children who survived, and the entire community.

Deep down, I also feel anger. I’m not starting a political debate here, please don’t make it that. I am angry that there is so much violence and hatred in the world. I am angry that children cannot be children and have to live ever so cautiously. I’m angry that parents, who already naturally worry about their children, now have more worries than necessary.

Whitney Houston sang, “I believe children are our future.” She wasn’t alone in feeling that way.

Our children ARE IMPORTANT! It is our job to do what we can to keep them safe. We are to raise them to respect others and to be kind. We are to teach them to be honest and show gratitude. We are to teach them integrity. We are to teach them to forgive and to be compassionate toward others. We are to teach them to be determined and perseverance. We are to teach them to be responsible. We are to teach them that it is ok to fail. We are to teach them love.

I pray that the senseless events of Tuesday will cause us to look for ways to protect our children at all costs. The hurt, the anger, the sadness, and the violence needs to stop.

Mixed Emotions

If I had to describe today with emoji’s, I’d need a lot of them!

Exhaustion – Tuesdays are always difficult. I get very little sleep before having to come into work for the night. I do the best I can to nap when the kids are napping, but things just never seems to line up where we all sleep at the same time.

Confident – Recently I was presented with an opportunity that peaked my interest. It was one of those things that I really wasn’t searching for, but I looked at it very carefully. After much discussion and weighing all the pros and cons, I made a decision that I feel is best.

Afraid – At the same time, looking on the horizon, there is something I stumbled on that has positives and negatives. I took a leap of faith today. It would be a HUGE change. It has been something that has been on the back burner for some time. Whether or not anything comes of it is yet to be seen. If it does, there are some big things to think about and consider.

Angry – Annoyed – Exasperated – Done – One phone call can bring about so many emotions. How many times can the same things be rehashed? When do you just say “Forget it? I’m done?” An hour and 20 minutes of being on speaker phone being accused, judged, called every profane name imaginable, and treated like a piece of crap is not exactly how I want to spend my time. Once you apologize for something, you shouldn’t be expected to keep apologizing for it over and over again. Especially when the other party has said they forgive you. My God, it was a vicious circle of things that are from years ago, yet here we are talking about it again! Enough is enough. If you can’t get past it, I don’t know what to tell you. Don’t feel sorry for me or my family, because quite frankly, we are fine! Please just let it go!

Dedicated – It is time for me to stop letting the outside BS affect me and my family. I am dedicated to being the best husband and father I can be to those who will let me. I have found happiness and NO ONE will take that away from me. I love my family more than I will ever be able to express here, and intend to keep it together. Leave your negativity at the door or better yet, keep it away. There is LOVE, tenderness, faith, and joy in my house! I intend to increase those feelings with every moment I am alive!

Sadness – With every day my kids continue to grow up. Ella will be two this week. I am having a very difficult time wrapping my head around that. Andrew will be 4 months old this week and it seems like time won’t slow down. Sam has often said to me that she feels when she is done with work for the week, she feels like the look older and are bigger. I feel the same way. Despite having gone through this with my two older sons, it feels like time is going by even faster than before.

I will end on a positive emotion:

Happiness – This week, Ella started saying, “I love you, too, Daddy.” and “I love you, too, Mommy” after we tell her that we love her. There is nothing that will melt your heart faster.

Earlier today, Andrew was laying on the floor and he was giggling. I snapped a picture of him and Ella immediately came over and laid next to him and said, “My turn, Daddy!” In an absolute amazing moment, she grabbed his hand and I snapped the picture.

THAT IS WHAT MATTERS! Those two amazing kids (and my beautiful and wonderful wife) are the source of my happiness. There is nothing but joy connected with them. There is no negativity. There is no hate. There are no grudges. There are no hidden motives. There is LOVE. There is JOY. There is HAPPINESS. There is DELIGHT. There is LAUGHTER.

This is what is important! THEY are what is important.

On my bad days, those two special kids remind me to focus on what really matters!

Expanding on an earlier Facebook post.

I am on vacation. I have the next week off and will have my sons all week. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to have them over. I am hoping that the weather will cooperate and we’ll get to do some fun things this week. This vacation could not have come at a better time. I’m not sure why, but I just need the break. I have so much that has been on my mind.

For example, Thursday was typical for me. I slept for about 3-4 hours. It is my day to switch from “midnight” mode to “days.” Normally on Thursday, my head hits the pillow and I am asleep quickly. That was not the case. I actually broke my own rule (and what I tell all my patients about electronics before bed) and was surfing the web and reading stuff hoping to make myself tired – it didn’t work.

I read once that if you can’t shut your mind off, just jot all the thoughts down. The thought process is that it can help free your mind of them. I hoped that this would work and posted the following on Facebook. In posting it here and re-reading it, I may or may not comment on these thoughts. Some of them are repeat thoughts, some are not. Here goes:

“Been here in bed since 10:30. Sam is already sleeping. The cats are both on the bed, too. Mind won’t shut off. Trying not to think about something that happened earlier that really just made me angry. Random thoughts/wishes:

* As much as I love to sit and write, I wish I could find a gig that paid me to do it.

Comment: The more I think on this, the more I wish I could do this! I believe that you are always your own worst critic. I have often wondered why anyone would even want to read what I write, yet, here you are. I’m sure many authors have wondered if people would want to read their stuff too. Writing is therapeutic for me. Much like radio, I can take my observations and share them. You won’t always agree with my thoughts or opinions, and that is OK with me.

* In talking to an old radio buddy, it makes me miss doing it full time (even though it has changed dramatically)

Comment: While I am not doing this full time, I need to acknowledge that I am very lucky to still be doing it part time. Even if it is once a week, whether it is live or recorded, I still have my foot in the door and I get to “create” and “perform.” I still love it and radio will probably always be in my blood.

* I wish I could review music, bands, or movies and get paid for it. Neat to see some friends of mine doing it and having success with that!

Comment: I follow some blogs that write movie reviews. I know they don’t get paid for that. However, I have a friend who writes a lot of political stuff for websites and gets paid for that. I also have a buddy who always seems to be out and about interviewing celebrities about their films for various news stations, TV and radio. What a cool gig that has to be. When I interviewed people on the radio I was always told I was a “good interviewer.” Maybe I am. Pardon me while I digress and share two instances come to mind:

When I was at B95, Craig Morgan was scheduled to come by the studio. At the time he had a minor hit, and some tunes that weren’t being played on the radio. I was told by my boss to put him on the air for a few minutes, ask him about his new song, play it and move on. I did my research, and there were a lot of things about Craig that I found interesting. Yes, I was going to ask about his song, but there were other things I wanted to as about. I asked about his military career, his family, and such. Craig is a very funny guy. He and I hit it off instantly. We laughed a lot and had a bunch of fun. About 5 or 8 minutes into the interview, my boss went into the studio in the next room and stood in front of the window. I thought he was gonna give me the “Wrap it up” signal because we were going longer than anticipated. Instead, he gave me the “keep going – stretch it out” signal.

I don’t recall how long the interview went, but it was FUN. My boss said, “You just took a guy who no one was really familiar with, and made the listeners love him, because you related to him. You asked questions that made him so real. It was entertaining, and enjoyable. That’s the best damn interview I have heard in a long time!” The kudos I received were unexpected.

Also at B-95, Jewel came by the studio and I interviewed her on the air. She had recorded a country album and was promoting it. I did my research and prepped for her interview. I found a lot of stuff that I could ask about. Jewel was homeless for a time. She lived in a van. I wasn’t sure if that was a topic she would want to talk about. When she arrived I asked her off air if there was anything that she didn’t want to talk about, she said to ask whatever I wanted to. Naturally, I asked about her album. I also asked about her family life and pop hits. I also asked about her being homeless, in which she shared some great stories about writing songs.

One of the things I asked about was some Wizard of Oz TV special she did in the mid ’90’s. She started chuckling and joked about it. She asked “How did you find out about that?!” This led her to talk about some plays she was in in school and some other childhood memories. She was so moved and excited to be talking about those things. It was so cool for me to see how moved she was to remember those stories and it was great radio!

After Jewel left the station, about a half hour later, I got a call on my cell phone from the record rep who brought her to the station. He said, “I wanted you to know that Jewel just told me that you were by far the best interview she has done on this radio tour! She was blown away that you asked her about that Wizard of Oz thing! She said she felt so comfortable talking to you and she really enjoyed herself. She said you made her remember some great stories that she has never shared with anyone before. Nice work, cowboy!”

Again, a high point in my radio career!

back to my original thought – I think it would be very cool to get the chance to hear an album before it hit stores, see a movie before it hits theaters, or read a book before it hits the shelves and then offer a review.

* It’s a shame when an entire team has to be punished because of a few others.

On my hour drive to work each night, it is often the time I catch up with friends on the phone. We talk about family, friends, and work. In discussing work, there was this common theme. Rather than dealing with employees individually and holding them accountable for whatever the issue was, bosses made a knee-jerk reaction and punished the entire staff for the issues of a few people.

I am not in a position of authority at my job. I was a boss on more than one occasion. Observations that I made as an employee, helped me to manage. Managers motivate! When employees are motivated, they will go above and beyond for you. Many managers tend to demotivate. Jay Trachman, one of my radio mentors, wrote an article geared toward radio managers, and it holds true for any manager, really. It included things that managers do to demotivate, with or without knowledge of doing it. They included:

Ignoring employee ideas
Setting unattainable goals and holding employees responsible for them
Treating employees like children
Ignoring that employees have lives outside of work
Making rules for the entire staff because of the behavior of a few members
Focusing on errors or mistakes, no matter how trivial (Incidentally, the facts show that when you dwell only on problem areas destroys the employee’s confidence and self-esteem makes the employee more error-prone!)

* I hate when an opportunity seems right, but no matter how many ways you try to make it work, you can’t.

Comment: Without going into detail, an opportunity presented itself. It was one of those opportunities that doesn’t come around too often. I took it all in. Asked questions. Weighed options. Re-weighed options with different scenarios. Crunched numbers. Re-visited scenarios. Made a pros and cons list (my wife swears by these!). It was an opportunity that just was not something I could jump at. I am ok with that, though, because, it doesn’t change anything I am already doing. No big deal.

* I am hoping the scale shows a loss tomorrow at weigh in.

Comment: It did. My total weight loss now is at 24 pounds!! I couldn’t be happier! I was a bit worried because last Saturday I DJ’d a wedding and the dinner didn’t necessarily have the most healthy choices. Oh, and they had a doughnut bar! LOL. I am determined to get back down to 199 (where I was about 20 years ago, and the last time I was on Weight Watchers). The journey continues!

* I am not looking forward to a visit to the dentist tomorrow.

Comment: Uneventful cleaning. No cavities, so I was happy with that!

* I wish I could do more voice over work.

Comment: I looked into a few voice over services, but most cost money to be a part of. They also require you to do many auditions daily. I could probably do this on my days off, but it is hard to do working midnights, and without a home studio (or the money to build a home studio)!

I am lucky to have the relationships I have with The American Way, Whitetail Journey, Modern Craft Wines, Fox 66, and RPM Auto Sales. I would love to add a few more clients to that list. If you know anyone looking, I can certainly send a voice sample to them.

* I probably could have wrote a blog instead of this. Maybe I will just copy and paste it….lol.

Comment: That’s what I am doing!

* There is so much sadness in the Facebook feed this week. My heart goes out to my friends who have lost loved ones or have loved ones in the hospital.

Comment: Scrolling the Facebook news feed this week, I was saddened to read of some friends coping with the loss of someone special to them. I also read of a dear friend who is now home with hospice care. Some friends have been Facebook silent, but I am aware of some health struggles that are dealing with.

Many people state that they hate Facebook. They say there are too many political arguments, opinions, etc. I would agree, but I also utilize the “mute” button. There are ways that you can unfollow those who post stuff you don’t want to see. You remain friends, but you don’t see their stuff. You can also post things while making sure that certain people can’t see it.

I happen to like Facebook. It is a great way to keep up with friends. I almost never forget a friend’s birthday! I always love the pictures of weddings, first and last days of school, band concerts, dance recitals, and the addition of new babies or grandbabies. There are sad things, too. The passing away of parents, prayer chains for those who are sick or suffering, or the loss of a pet. Without Facebook, I’d never know these things. It can be a place to offer words of support, encouragement, or better yet, prompt you to reach out to your friend on the phone.

While I love social media, I also feel that it is important to reach out and actually talk to friends. I have decided that I am going to try to do that more. Yes, texting and messaging is easy, but you know what? I want to hear your voice!

* I hate change. I am a man of routine. Sometimes, change is inevitable. Sometimes change is exciting.

Comment: I take the same way to work every day. I am a creature of habit. One of the things that helps me stay focused on Weight Watchers is that I know the point values of meals. I tend to find something I like, and will stick with that meal. I have been eating a lot of veggies and fruits. I am also eating a lot of salads. However, to change things up we had turkey tacos last night. Not going to lie, changing it up was exciting! That’s right – I was excited for Tacos!!

* Guy on TV said to his gal, “I couldn’t be happier.” I think you can always be happier. Happiness can grow, much like love can grow. Each day I think I can’t love Sam any more than I do, but that love grows deeper. Happiness can grow too – that’s cool to me.

Comment: Just re-reading that made me smile. Think about this – “Happiness is a habit – cultivate it” (Quite attributed to Elbert Hubbard)

* The wrong motivation can kill morale and desire to give their all for you.

Comment: See above comments about punishing the entire team because of a few others.

* I wish I was an expert on something. With the recent talks I have done for conferences and small groups, I would totally love to do that for a living.

Someone commented on the original Facebook post and said I should be a motivational speaker. I don’t know that I’d go that far. I have many obstacles of my own that I have yet to conquer. I am not sure how motivating I can be.

I have always enjoyed doing career days at schools. I think it would be cool to host classic movies at a theater. I have no problem public speaking. I thought about teaching a public speaking class at one of those community education night class type programs. I don’t know, it’s a pipe dream perhaps. I just think it could be a very fun thing to do and would be great to get out and meet people.

* Was hoping that by jotting this stuff here, I’d get sleepy … Maybe I should at least try to go to sleep.

Comment: I didn’t.

* Even with all of these random thoughts, one still remains true. I am one lucky man! I am blessed beyond measure.

Comment: The Bible says in I Thessalonians 5:18, “In EVERYTHING give thanks.” What powerful instruction, and a very difficult thing to do! I have always tried to make this one of my “life mantras,” but some days are harder than others. At one point in my life, nothing could make me feel better. I was deep in that depression and suffering with so many feelings. I was struggling bad.

Today, however, I am a new man. Those quotes that I always had in my mind are back and help keep me focused. This one still remains difficult, because “everything” means “everything!” In good times and bad times – give thanks! What a challenge! Despite the fact that I had a variety of things (both good and bad) running through my head Thursday night, I remind myself of just how thankful I am to be alive! I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for YOU. Thanks for reading!

Now, I am off to enjoy my time off!

The Beginnings of a Beautiful Friendship

Beginning

One year ago tonight, right about the time I am writing this blog, Sam and I posted a picture on Facebook of us in front of the “Welcome to Kentucky sign”. We were on our way down to Florida for a vacation that would not only serve as a vacation, but also as our honeymoon. Coincidentally, 4 years before that picture, we became Facebook friends. With our first anniversary approaching, I thought I would write a few blogs that tells our story.

Baker College

In June of 2013, I graduated from Baker College with my degree in applied science as a Polysomnographic Technology (Those two fancy words simply mean, I am a sleep technologist). I became very good friends with the sleep instructors (Christine, Michele, and Angie). I was asked by the program director if I would be willing to volunteer to tutor students in future classes if they needed help. I told her that I would love to help out.

One of the hardest classes of the degree was Pharmacology. This wasn’t your normal Pharmacology class. Yes, you had to know the types of drugs, the names of drugs, what they did, and such, but you also had to know how these drugs affected a person’s sleep. It was pretty detailed, and much of that information was not found in the books. I was called and asked to meet with a small group of students from the current class. I remember meeting up with them at the Tim Horton’s near the college. Sam was among those in that group.

Sam and I actually met shortly before this. I was doing my clinicals at a lab that worked with pediatric patients. She brought 2-year-old Gracie to my lab and I actually ran her study! She may have been the first pediatric patient I hooked up and ran on my own.

Well, over the next few months, I met with Sam off and on and went over stuff for the classes. We prepped for tests and talked about working with kids and sleep related stuff. When it was time for her to do her clinicals, she was placed at a lab that did not work with pediatric patients. Sam wanted to work with kids, so there was one night she shadowed at my lab so she could observe, prior to starting her clinical rotation. Sam graduated one year after me.

The “Unwritten” Rule

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Many sleep techs drive far to get to their jobs. Many people who graduated in my class drive anywhere from 40-60 minutes to work. It’s just the way it goes. I currently drive 70 minutes, and Sam drives 50 minutes. So, there is an understanding among people who work in sleep, an “unwritten rule” so to speak. Basically, what it says is “Know who is working on nights you work. If you are driving home in the morning and you feel like you are falling asleep, call someone you know is also driving home. Talk each other home.”

Sam and I ended up working many of the same days. It was not odd for either of us to call each other at 6:30 or 7:30 in the morning to “talk each other home.” At first, it was a lot of shop talk – what kinds of studies we ran that night, crazy heart stuff we saw, or comparing notes on what equipment or mask worked best. The more we talked, the more we learned about each other. It was not odd to chat about my boys and her brothers. There were times where she would even call to say she was taking her brothers swimming and wanted to know if my boys wanted to go as well. We became very good friends.

It was not odd for us to run into each other at the college in the office of Christine, who was the Dean of the program, or at one of the sleep classes. Sometimes, we even helped present review material or helped proctor tests. At one time, there was talk of how we could all start our own sleep lab. Conversations involving Christine, Michele, Sam and I were often referred to as meetings of the “Collective Brain”. The friendships that were made because of the sleep program go very deep and helped me through some very turbulent times.

Days of Trouble

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Without going into detail, I will just say that working the midnight shift had only added to problems I was going through at home. The added stress affected me very much. I was already suffering from depression and was just going through the motions and fighting the constant battle of trying to make ends meet. The struggles were physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. It was not something that I spoke about to many people. There were plenty of fake smiles on social media, and I hid things very well.

The “Collective Brain” saw through much of this. For example, one day I got a call from one of them while I was at the laundromat. Our dryer had died months before and the budget didn’t allow for us to get a new one. I received a call one day asking if I was going to be at home. I stated that I was going to be home for a little while, and I was told that I had to be home between 3:30p and 4:30p. I asked why, and was told by one of the “brain” folks not to worry about it and to be there. At about 4:15 a truck pulls in my driveway with a dryer in the back! I was told that someone had paid for it and they were told where to deliver it. These three friends, pooled together money and wanted to relieve a little of our stress and bought it for us!

There was another time where we were all just talking. I was trying to work some overtime to try to make sure I had money to get the boys Christmas presents. The stress must have shown, because the “brain” once again surprised me with a bag of Nerf guns, and other toys because “there is no way that your boys are not opening up presents on Christmas morning!” You cannot even begin to know how humbled you can feel when you are the recipient of someone’s gracious giving heart. They brought me to tears yet again.

Saved from the Darkest Days

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As the trials and tribulations continued at home, I found myself in an unhappy place. I was feeling worthless. I felt like the ultimate failure. As I began to really sense all that was going on, there was this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I was worried, I was scared, and I felt like I had truly reached the end of my rope.

There are a few people who know this, but now I will publicly admit that I had reached a point where I was ready to end my life. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. I didn’t know when I was going to do it. I had convinced myself that I was not doing anyone any good and that I was causing more trouble for people by being around. Then, without knowing it, Sam said something that saved my life.

It was one of those “talk me home calls”. She was tired and trying not to fall asleep. I was driving home. She innocently asked me about the boys and asked what we were doing with them over the weekend. I don’t remember what it was, it probably wasn’t much. After I told her, she replied with, “That sounds like fun. Your boys are so lucky to have you as their dad.”

BOOM! It was a punch to the stomach! The ton of bricks hit me square on the head. It was a shot of reality. It was one simple sentence that made me realize that I could NEVER leave those boys! It would be selfish and hurtful to even consider it anymore. What kind of dad would do something like that and leave his sons to wonder “why”?! NO! That option, which should have never been an option, was officially off the table! She saved my life.

I had no choice but to move forward! Dark days became darker. Struggles became more difficult. Arguments, disagreements, more arguments, and irreconcilable differences led me to divorce. There was a brief period where I tried to co-exist, but the tribulations continued and I was told to leave the house.

In another “talk me home” call with Sam, I asked nonchalantly if she knew of anyone who had an apartment or room to rent. She asked my why and I told her. Without missing a beat, she told me that she had a spare room in her house that her brothers used when they came over every other weekend. She told me that if I didn’t mind sleeping on a bunk bed, I was welcome to stay with her until I found a place. She said I could sleep on the couch when her brothers were there. I asked her how much she would want me to pay her to stay and her response was simply, “Keith. You’re my friend. You need a place to stay. Every so often, help buy some groceries or toss a few bucks toward the electric or water bill. I’ll help you in any way I can”

“I’m on my way from misery to happiness …”

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In the months that followed, we spent lots of time together. She helped me with so many difficult decisions. She was a voice of reason, a true friend, a shoulder to cry on, and was always honest and supportive. It was apparent to both of us that we really enjoyed each other’s company. The more time we spent with each other, the more connected we felt. As feelings continued to grow, we began dating.

What an amazing feeling to live life with someone who doesn’t judge you, belittle you, insult you, make false accusations of you, spread gossip, or is not happy unless they are making others unhappy. To be free of the judgement and negativity and to actually feel special, loved, and important was all new to me – and wonderful!

She saved my life. She changed my life. This beautiful friend and I fell in love at a time when I never expected it, but then again, isn’t that when they say you truly find love?! I was experiencing joy that was so unexpected and astonishing that I decided I had better make sure we were going to be together forever …

…that story will be in the next blog.

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