“Bad Days Build Better Days”

I don’t feel like blogging. I don’t feel like being here. I have so many thoughts running through my mind. I feel like my insides are being torn apart. I am sad and want to cry. I am mad and want to scream. I am tired and need to sleep. I am frustrated and don’t know what to do. I am a huge mess. I don’t feel like blogging, but maybe it will be good to just vent.

I keep telling myself all the things that have helped me over the past 4 years:

  • “Control what you can control.”
  • “Never let a bad situation bring out the worst in you. Be strong and choose to be positive.”
  • “Stay Positive – better days are on the way.”
  • “Let it go.”
  • “Pay no attention to toxic words. What people say is often a reflection of themselves, not you.”
  • “Life becomes easier when you delete the negative people from it.”
  • “You never fully see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.”
  • “Let people do what they need to do to be happy, mind your own business and do what you need to do to make you happy.”
  • “Forget the negative and focus on the positives.”

Man, that’s just a handful of quotes that have helped in the past. To a degree, they helped a little today. Basically, though, as I thought on them, all I could say was, “I know.” It was just extremely hard to follow the instructions in those bits of wisdom.

Once Upon a Time – A Fairy Tale

In life we all have monsters or ogres that cause us trouble. The ogre in my life was working overtime over the past 48 hours. My days consisted of text messages, e-mails, phone calls, and communication from the ogre and its believers. To say that those things have exhausted me is an understatement.

As I thought about ways to describe my ogre, I was immediately reminded of the biblical person of the Antichrist. If you are unfamiliar with him, all you need to know is that this person is set to come in very peaceably, speaking kind words, promising to get things right, and leading people astray in belief of his lies. Then, this peaceful man will seek to destroy the world. He will do terrible things. My ogre is like that.

“If it is easier on you …” “Oh, that’s no trouble at all….” “I’m glad to help you with that …” and then, when the time is right, it turns on you. Suddenly, everything you thought was being done in kindness, is used against you. Things that you thought you’d agreed on, are now twisted and turned to make you look bad. The ogre begins to spread lies, and telling half truths to make situations look like something they are not. The narcissistic ogre is like a category 5 hurricane or an EF-5 tornado, looking to destroy anything in it’s path, while looking angelic to it’s followers.

What is truly sad is the effect that this has on the innocent. The pawns in the beast’s game of chess. These poor clueless pawns are brainwashed by the control of its words. They say if you tell someone something enough, whether it is true or not, they will start to believe it, despite no proof. The manipulation and the subtle way that the ogre controls these pawns is invisible to those under the spell of its black magic. Woe unto those poor souls!

If the ogre only affected me, I think I would be able to cope with things more. However, the ogre is a powerful beast. It knows how to work its way into my circle. It not only affects me, but my friends and family. It is not happy unless it is making others unhappy. I’ve seen this first hand. It’s not just with me as the ogre loves to cause trouble in the lives of others. Planting seeds which causes others to argue, gossip, or throw someone’s life into chaos. Once the seed takes root, the ogre sits back and watches the madness, the struggles, the anger, and chaos with great delight. How sick is this beast that it gets such pleasure by hurting and destroying others?!

Sadly, the ogre is not something I can just cut out of my life, though I wish I could. The ogre will be around for some time. Perhaps there is some mythical creature that can be used as a mediator, but alas, I have not found it. I’ve never felt like my life was that entertaining, but it seems like it must be, as the ogre spends a lot of time worried about me and what I am doing. All I can do is to continue to pray that with time, the ogre will leave me alone and find someone else to focus its attention on.

The End – I hope.

As they used to say on old radio shows – Any similarity to persons living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Scarlett O’Hara

Though I have never seen Gone With The Wind all the way through, I am familiar with quotes from the movie. I’d like to close with one. While today was a bad day, I have to remember what Scarlett O’Hara said, “…tomorrow is another day.”

“I wish I still had …” (Episode 1)

I-wish

This may (or may not) be the first of a series of blogs.  The idea came to me as I was looking through my blogging notebook this evening.  My notebook contains various scribbles and thoughts that I think may be worthy of a blog.  Sometimes these come from writing prompts, sometimes a fellow blogger’s blog can spawn an idea, and sometimes they come from random memories.

The premise of this idea is a simple one:  “I wish I still had (fill in the blank).”  The reason I think this could be a series is that I think there are a lot of things that could fill the “blank”.  I am sure that you could do the same.  As you read the statement, you probably had an item that immediately came to mind!  Here is my first “blank”…

1988

Back in the late 80’s there was a store at Eastland Mall called Suncoast Motion Picture Company.  I used to visit it all the time!  They had all kinds of music, movies, and memorabilia.  This was back when you could buy movies on VHS and BETA tapes!  I could spend hours in there.  I would compare it to an FYE or Barnes and Nobel.  They always had movie and TV themed shirts (much like what you would find a Spencer Gifts), books about movies, and other entertainment oriented items.

32086985518_39845c4dd2_b

It was at Suncoast, that I purchased the first of many Three Stooges VHS tapes.  Up to this point, if I wanted to watch the Stooges, I had to stay up until midnight to catch them on Channel 50, or rent them on the 8mm film projector from the public library.  You could video tape them from the TV, but many times they played commercials in between shorts.  With the ones I bought from Suncoast, I could watch them unedited and uninterrupted!

stooges

One of the things that Suncoast had were these Three Stooges collectible dolls that were made by Hamilton Gifts.  The detail of the faces was just amazing!  I don’t recall how much they cost, but I remember asking for them for Christmas that year.  I remember that year, my parents got me the Moe doll.  If memory serves me correctly, my aunt got me the Curly doll.  I went and bought the Larry doll with my own money.  They stood proudly on the shelf in my bedroom for years.  When I moved out, they stood on a bookshelf in my apartment.  They were always out on display.

When I got married the first time, they were still on display in the “entertainment room” which is where I kept my many books, videos, and our computer.  Eventually, I was told to “find a place for them” outside of the house.  I had a couple radio jobs which allowed me to display them in my office.  Eventually, after losing another radio job, they came back home with me, where I was forbidden to put them on display.

Eventually, I was told by my ex that we were having a garage sale.  I was to go through my stuff and we were selling it.  Some things I didn’t mind parting with – the VHS movies I had on DVD were an easy purge.  Little by little, she kept pulling stuff out that she wanted gone.  There were things that I ended up selling that I truly regret (my first DJ rig, for example).

As the day for the garage sale drew closer, things kept getting added to the “sell” pile. When I saw my Stooge dolls on there, I blew up!  I was NOT going to sell them.  She insisted that I was!  It became the classic “they go or I go” argument.  In her magical and totally narcissistic way, she used her power of manipulation to explain I didn’t need them.  By selling them, “we’d have money to pay bills and get ahead”.  The sentimental value didn’t matter to her.  I would say that 75% of the stuff sold at the garage sale was mine.

I remember the person who bought them.  I purposely priced them high in hopes that they wouldn’t sell.  The woman dickered with me on the price and talked about how her grandson loved the Stooges and so on and so forth, which made it a little easier to let them go.  I can still remember that gut feeling when she walked out with them.  Instant regret!

Fill in the blank – I wish I still had those Three Stooges Dolls.

clients_auctionproscahem_photo_sets_16847_DSC_0013-2

I know what you are thinking – they are dolls!  What the hell would I do with them today?!  I don’t know.  I really don’t even know where I would display them.  All I know is that they meant a lot to me, and I wish I still had them – for sentimental reasons.

f0f0248a7044bc5b49a73d13ae662afb

Friend or Foe?

Friend_or_Foe_title_card

So this weekend, I had two things happen that made me think, then chuckle, then I smiled, reminded of just how good things are in my life.  First, I was out at the store and I saw someone who is a mutual friend of my ex and me.  I wasn’t going to go out of my way to say hello, and I guess I didn’t need to.  You see, as soon as this person saw me, and made eye contact, they immediately looked the other way and walked away as fast as they could.

when-people-ignore-you

As I said, first it made me think:  She’s done what all narcissists do – told a bunch of lies about me and got this person to believe them.  Second it made me chuckle – we used to be good friends.  They have chosen to believe the lies and had the perfect opportunity to ask me about them to my face, and decided to just run away.  Finally, I smiled.  I don’t need people like that in my life!  Go ahead and believe whatever you want.  I feel sorry for you.  You, too, are caught up in the self pity party and in the fantasy story that has been told over and over to make her look good and me look bad.

The second thing that happened was via Facebook.  It’s no secret that when I was in the process of making positive changes in my life, I went through my list of Facebook friends and deleted many people.  I would say 80% of those people were people who were mutual friends of my ex and me.  I knew that those particular people would be people who, if given the choice, would chose to remain friends with her, instead of me.  No loss, really.

So this weekend I get a friend request from one of those mutual friends who I deleted.  Like the first incident, it made me think – Now why on earth would they be sending me a friend request years later?  I was never really that close with that person.  Why all of a sudden? I was really thrown for a loop.  Again, it made me chuckle – see, I recently took the deleting of friends a step further and “blocked” certain people (including a significant other), and so her spies can’t really snoop around on my page anymore.  Then, I smiled again.  It’s really funny to see just how her network of spies is trying to get information to bring back to her.

spies

The narcissist is manipulative, controlling, jealous, never takes responsibility, is angry and full of rage, shifts blame, and plays themselves as the victim.  They will use whoever they can to get what they want.  They tell stories and falsehoods to get someone on their side, so they can use them for their own reasons.  They live to take joy from others, especially others who they want to control.

To person number one – have a nice life.  I’m here when you are ready to hear MY side of things.

To person number two – Friend Request Denied.

 

Quotes I Needed To Hear Today

23al0q

It’s not worth my time (or yours) to rehash why I am writing this blog. It will be a short one. After an incident today, Sam (as she always does), saw a great quote that really helped me today:

“Learn to be ok with people not knowing your side of the story. You don’t have to prove ANYTHING to ANYONE.”

That quote was followed by a post from a friend on Facebook which read:

“Start ignoring people who threaten your joy. Literally – ignore them. Say nothing. Don’t invite any parts of them into your space.”

Both of these quotes were just perfect and helped me deal with a situation. While I have never been one to seek revenge on anyone, another quote I stumbled on also helped:

“Living a good life really is the best revenge. Once they acknowledge that they cannot ruin your happiness, they lose their power.”

It’s all about control. Author Jill Blakeway says it this way:

“When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will seem unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth – JUST LIKE YOU DID!”

Fitting right in with that last quote:

“The sociopath fears two things. (1.) Losing control and (2.) Being exposed”

Author Daniel Chidiac says:

“When a person attempts to control someone else’s life, it only reflects the lack of control they have on their own.”

Not sure if this is true, but actor Will Smith is credited with saying:

“Haters are the people who will broadcast your failures and whisper your success”

When you break free from people who have controlled you or manipulated you for years, you have to remember that now that you are not in their life anymore, they must turn to someone else and manipulate them. There is a great truth here!

So why did I write this? To be a constant reminder to myself of how far I have come and to always remember:

BZkI0JyCUAI0p_-

71nGJDbdDjL__SX425_