A Whole Lotta Happy

Some days I look at my blog notebook and wonder just what I will blog about. I have a few in my draft folder that are ready to be posted for some blog events that I am taking part in. Then I have a few that are bullet points and more like idea starters. Over the past couple days, my blogs have ranged from silliness to serious. Today, however, there was no doubt whatsoever about what I would write about. The news is just too good!

When I woke up this afternoon, I grabbed my phone off the bedside table and went into the living room. I glanced briefly at my phone, but without my readers on, I can’t really see much. I could make out that my Goddaughter, Marissa, had texted me. There was a picture attached, but again, I couldn’t really see it.

Sam told me that AJ was probably ready for a bottle and I began making it. Sam went to get Ella up from her nap and then she was going to lay down for a bit. I set my phone down on the arm rest next to me so I could feed the baby. After he was finished, I grabbed my phone and remembered the text.

I had no idea what Marissa could be sending me. I figured maybe a picture of her and me, or her and Ella came up in Facebook memories or something and she was sending it. I opened up the text and saw this picture (and yes, she’ll probably kill me for posting this, but that’s what proud and happy uncles do):

I must have looked at the picture for 2 to 3 minutes without anything even registering. Then I read the text that accompanied it, which moved me to very happy tears:

“Hey Uncle Keith, we wanted to let you know before we posted on social media – Connor and I got engaged on Tuesday! Love You!”

I read that three times before I could even respond! I am SO happy for them! That text message so much to me. This was such amazing news to wake up to! I am so excited for them.

After texting her back, and congratulating her, I opened my Facebook and saw the link to the photos of the event. Her fiancé, Connor, had arranged for a photographer to be there to capture the moment. The pictures are simply beautiful. You can see just how happy they both make each other!

Marissa’s mom (Aunt Margaret) called me not too long ago and cried happy tears about how thankful she is to be a part of Ella and Andrew’s life. (She will deny crying – but, she did) Today, it was my turn to call her and cry. What an amazing moment to be able to share together! She told me that the proposal was set to happen at another time and place, but life got in the way and it was unable to happen. I’m happy that it all went without a hitch this time!

Marissa and Connor – Congratulations to you both. You are a beautiful couple and you both make each other so happy. While I’ve witnessed many wonderful and amazing things in my life, this is without a doubt one of the best. I wish you both a life full of love and happiness.

All My Love, Uncle Keith

Close, But No Breakthrough … Yet

I wrote a fun blog already today, so now I need to get this down in writing before I lose it.

In therapy the past few weeks I’ve been working through some pretty deep stuff. Death has been at the forefront of my mind lately, probably due to the many deaths that I have seen in the Facebook feed over the past couple years. Whether those deaths were caused by Covid, cancer, heart attack or whatever, I have certainly felt it hit close to home. Just this week, a friend lost her fiancé and another school friend lost his mother.

This week, we dove into the subject of death itself and people in my life who I have lost. We looked at the loss of my grandparents and the loss of my mother specifically. My therapist asked about the first death I every experienced (my grandpa when I was 11). She asked what I felt when that happened. I wasn’t sure. So we moved ahead to my mom (when I was 36). What was I feeling then?

How was it so hard to come up with what I was feeling? Am I blocking feelings?

I came up with: sad, confusion, fear (scared), helplessness, regret, and guilt. I am guessing that there are many more feelings associated with death, but those are what I pulled out of the top of my head.

So I have a homework assignment. I am to look at each of those words and see how they play into things. How did the deaths affect others in my house?

Basically, it seems that grief is a theme in many of our sessions and we are going to examine it further. We’re going to try to pinpoint what event has brought me to where I am today. She told me that there is a phrase that says, “When your hysterical – it’s historical.” There is usually something “back there” that can lead to the way you react and behave.

Why can’t I accept and get past things? What may be hanging around in my brain? What am I protecting myself from?

I don’t know any of the answers.

After therapy my wife asked how it went. I told her I was still trying to process it. I knew we really struck on something, but I didn’t know what. I also expressed how it scared me. Have you ever been afraid to proceed, because you are just not sure what you might find out? That’s where I am at.

Hopefully, we are working toward some sort of resolution and not something that will mess up my head even more!

Silly Kid Stuff

To my Facebook friends, most of this blog is a recap of things I have already posted there. However, some of this is stuff I want documented in my blog for future viewing.

Andrew

Ok, I’m not going to lie, this is something that makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. Sam had AJ in a striped onesie recently and I only saw him in it briefly. Then, on one of my days off, I put him in the same onesie. I couldn’t really place what it made me think of at first, and then it hit me! I had to do a “comparison” picture.

AJ and Curly from the short “Dizzy Pilots”

What is even funnier is that I was wearing a shirt that had stripes on it a few years ago in a picture and my dad is the one who told me it reminded him of Curly from that short. Personally, I think AJ’s shirt is much closer to Curly’s. Now, if you are talking hair … then I am closer to Curly!

I’m not sure what it is, but I seem to make AJ smile a lot. Sam even said that I make him smile more than she does. I’m not sure that is the case, but I won’t lie, when he smiles at me – it is one of the many things that make me so very happy.

His hair reminds us of Ella when she was a baby. Depending on the light, it can look brown, blonde, or red. I guess we have to wait a bit to see what color it winds up being!

Ella

So we had a little snow storm here in Michigan this week. I think the “official” total accumulation was about 10 inches where we live. That is about half of what they said it was going to be. Because of the storm, many patients called and cancelled their sleep studies. That meant that I got called off and got an extra night home with the family.

For dinner last night, Ella wanted pancakes. I thought I would be the “cool” dad and attempt to make some Mickey or Minnie Mouse pancakes for her. She’s been watching Minnie Mouse on TV a lot, so I though she would think they were cool! So I fired up the griddle and made these beauties for her:

I was pretty excited about how they came out. I put them on the plate, walk them over to her and say, “Look, baby! What do they look like?”

She looks at them and back at me and replies, “pancakes!”

As one of my Facebook friends observed – “She’s not wrong!”

After dinner, she grabbed a few books to read. She has this Pete the Cat book that had a sheet of stickers in it. She’s been all about stickers lately. We’ve been finding them stuck all over the house in random places – on the bathroom wall, on the living room floor, inside the kitchen cupboard doors, etc…

I was on the floor with her and AJ and she began to place her stickers on a huge canvas …

MY HEAD!

At one point she tried to put one on my eye! I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and as I was walking out, Sam was walking in. She began laughing because when I removed the stickers, I had forgotten one and had actually fallen asleep with it still on my noggin!

Today, before I took my nap before work, I wanted to get out with the snow blower and go over the driveway and sidewalks again. Before I did that, though, we bundled Ella up so she could go outside and play in the snow. I pulled her around on her sled for a bit before we attempted to go out into the snow on the lawn.

10 inches of snow made it pretty hard for her to walk around, so I kept shuffling in my boots to clear a path for her. That allowed her to play in the snow for a bit. She seemed to like falling in the snow better anyway. I showed her how to make some snow angels, but I think she just thought I was being silly. The wind cut our play short. Her nose and cheeks were really red when we went in the house. We were probably only outside for 10 minutes.

What a joy it is to spend some one on one time with her in the snow! She loves being outside!

Sadly, play time ended and when she went inside, I pulled out the snow blower and cleared snow before napping.

So many fun moments with the kids this week! God, do I love them!

Shut up, Phil!

February 2nd. Groundhog Day.

According to most statistics, the groundhog (Punxsutawney Phil) has been right about 36% to 39% of the time in regards to whether it will be an early spring or not. So today, in this short blog I present to you, the most accurate meme ever!

Challenger

I was a sophomore in high school 36 years ago. Space shuttle launches were nothing new to me, as they had done 24 launches since 1981. On January 28, 1986, the entire country watched as the first teacher (Christa McAuliffe) was on board. It was a Tuesday and it seemed like every classroom was watching the launch. 73 seconds into the launch, the shuttle exploded. The entire crew was killed.

The footage of the explosion was replayed over and over again as all the major networks did special reports throughout the day. I remember watching the footage live. I recall some silence as the explosion happened and the rocket boosters went off in different directions. I remember the cameras panning the crowd and the looks of horror and sadness on their faces.

I remember watching President Reagan address the nation that evening from the White House. I remember how much that impacted me. He truly was the “Great Communicator”: “We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them, this morning, as they prepared for their journey and waved goodbye and ‘slipped the surly bonds of earth’ to ‘touch the face of God.’” Here is a wonderful article about that address to the nation:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/01/28/how-ronald-reagan-explained-the-challenger-disaster-to-the-world-its-all-part-of-taking-a-chance/

In band class, we were rehearsing music for our Winter Concert, which was usually in early to mid February. After the Challenger disaster, a new piece of music appeared in our music folders. We probably had less than two weeks to work it up to include it in the concert. It was The Navy Hymn (Eternal Father Strong to Save).

That particular concert was going to be a busy one. Dr. Tim Lautzenheiser was visiting our band and after an extremely powerful two days worth of team building, and leadership lessons was set to conduct a few numbers. A local pastor was there to serve as emcee. A few of the songs on the program were ones that we would work up to take to Band Festival that year. With all of that going on, here was a new piece of music to learn.

We were told by our band director, Tom Shaner, that we were adding it to honor those lost in the Challenger disaster. It was not a difficult piece to play. We were told that our emcee was going to do some sort of narrative over the music as we played the song. Up until a few days before the concert, we had no idea what he was going to say. We brought him in to rehearse the song with us so he could be sure that the timing of it worked out.

I don’t recall what he said word for word, but somewhere I am sure a member of the band had the cassette recording of that concert. I remember it being an very moving tribute. What I remember most was when he read off each of the crew member’s names. Hearing them over the music that we were playing was very emotional for sure. It was the perfect tribute and I doubt there was a dry eye in the auditorium.

I don’t recall if it was the following day, or the following week, but I remember that the pastor who served as our emcee for that show passed away suddenly soon after that concert. It was so sad, but that amazing narrative was saved for many to hear on those cassette tapes. It was a concert I won’t soon forget.

Milestones

I was informed by WordPress that my blog is officially 4 years old this week. It’s hard to believe that I have been blogging consistently for that long … and that folks like you are still reading it. For that, I thank you!

In two weeks, we will celebrate another milestone, as our daughter Ella will celebrate her 2nd birthday. Wow!

It is interesting to note that I began this blog shortly before Sam and I were married. This blog is just a bit older than our marriage. I’ve been through a lot in 4 years, and I am so grateful to have been able to share the ups and downs of life with you.

Here is to many more years (and blogs) ahead …

Grief

I saw this twice on Facebook today and it really hit me. It is SO very true. I’m sure that collectively, you and I could easily add more true statements to this. I wish I knew who wrote it to give them proper credit.

I am reposting it here, so I will always have it and so that anyone who may stumble on this blog will find it useful as well.

Whether it is because I am getting older or the fact that we are in the middle of this whole Covid pandemic crap, the truth is that I have seen more death in the past two years than I care to. I’m not just talking about the overabundance of famous people who are dying, but the normal every day people in life – classmates, parents of friends, spouses, teachers, fathers, mothers, siblings, grandparents, co-workers, etc… My Facebook feed provides at least two to three links to obituaries a day now.

Many of my friends are still trying to cope with losses that are VERY fresh in their minds. I hope that this helps you or someone you may know who is currently dealing with grief – or has been dealing with it for some time.

Grief

Grief doesn’t just show up the day they die

Grief shows up on a random Monday night

Grief shows up in aisle five at the grocery store

Grief shows up when they’re favorite song comes on the radio

Grief shows up at the dining room table

Grief shows up at your graduation and wedding

Grief shows up in the delivery room when they aren’t by your side or in the pictures

Grief shows up on those sleepless nights

Grief shows up when the phone rings and it isn’t them

Grief shows up when you go to dial their number and realize they’ll never answer again

Grief shows up time and time again always unexpected and never invited

Grief doesn’t just show up the day they die

Fill in the Blank?

I really have every reason in the world to be happy. I am married to my soul mate. I have 4 wonderful children. I am saved by grace. I am alive. I am employed. I have food on the table and a roof over my head. The list goes on and on. However, I have fallen back into a funk and I am trying to remind myself of all the wonderful things in my life in an attempt to break free from it.

I used to see the above picture at a therapist’s office. There are more feelings on it than the ones seen above: enraged, ashamed, cautious, smug, depressed, overwhelmed, hopeful, lonely, lovestruck, jealous, bored, surprised, anxious, shocked, and shy. I’m sure there are many others that I am forgetting. I remember looking at the poster and wondering just where I fit in on that particular day – even though it was not my appointment!

I wish I could sort it out. I HATE being in this place! I HATE not being able to figure out just what is going on in my head. Just what the heck am I feeling?! I wish I could figure it out. When I get this way, I feel like everything everyone says to be puts me on the offensive. I feel attacked. I feel pushed. I feel like I have no control over what is going on in my life. I feel that way, but that probably really isn’t the case.

When I feel like I have lost control, I kinda go off on a tangent. I go from “0 to 100” as my wife has told me on occasion. I react. I don’t think before I open my mouth. Is it stress? Maybe. Is it lack of sleep? Maybe. Am I overwhelmed? Maybe? I just can’t seem to figure out what the deal is.

Am I happy? Yes! Am I happy with myself? Not always. Sometimes I feel like I let the people in my life who need me down. There are so many things that I need to be doing as a husband and a father, but I am just exhausted and feel like my brain isn’t able to really understand what I need to do.

Perhaps it is the fact that we’ve been living as hermits? In two years, we have pretty much lived a life of isolation. No big birthday parties for my kids. Limited exposure to everyone and everything. Life consists of work and home. Anything “fun” seems to have been put on hold. I just don’t feel comfortable yet. When will I feel that way again? Will I EVER feel that way again?

Perhaps it is the thought of change? I don’t like change. That is no secret. I have blogged about that many times. Fear of the unknown has been a fear of mine since I was a kid. This is so unwarranted. Many times I have taken a leap of faith and it turned out ok. It is bad enough when you have a fork in the road with two options, anything more than that can really take the stress and fear of the unknown up a few notches!

This is one of those situations where I wish my mom was around. I could always count on her to listen and offer her thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I have people I can talk to about things, and I appreciate their opinions, but they are not mom. Really, if I am being honest with myself, we are all going through some tough stuff right now. Are my friends really going to want to hear about my silly BS when they are dealing with their own? Probably not.

So here I am. Trying to sort through every possible emotion and feeling known to man to try and figure out what is going on. What do I do with those things in front of me? Do I just shut down and shut up? Do I just keep on keeping on? How much more can I look at all of this and scratch my head? What EXACTLY is the BEST outcome/scenario/choice?

This is going to sound silly, but sometimes I wish there was a fast forward button for life, so you could see what would happen based on decisions. Don’t like the outcome, rewind and try another option. Just rereading that I realize what a stupid thought that is. There is no such thing. There are no do overs. You make a choice and you live with the choice. If the outcome wasn’t good, you make a change.

I’ve made thousands of changes in my life. Those changes have brought me to the point where I am now. The point where I need to reassure myself of all the things in my life that make me happy.

If I have done something recently to annoy you, upset you, make you angry, or anything along those lines – I am sorry. I wish I could sit down and say, “I am feeling _______ and I’ll get through it!” I just need to fill in the blank. I’m just not sure how long it’s going to take to figure it out …

Bad Coffee?

I’ve been drinking coffee for a long time. I have gotten to the point where I know which brands I like and which ones I don’t. I very rarely stray from them when I am home.

While I tend to prefer certain flavored coffees, when it comes to just plain coffee, I get Tim Hortons. At our Sam’s Club I can get a big bag for what it costs for a small bag in the store.

Last time we went, I bought two bags. I have a container I store it in that seals up tight, so it stays fresh. I poured them both in the container one bag on top of the other.

Yesterday, we reached the half way point of the container. So, I’m guessing we are hitting the first of the two bags. Something suddenly tasted different.

I’m not sure what it is, but it is almost like the coffee is extra weak. I made a second pot with more scoops wondering if that would help, but it didn’t. It still tastes weak.

We bought new coffee filters, and I thought it might be those. So I brewed a pot with the old filters. It still tasted the same. The only thing I can think of is that it was a bum bag of coffee.

Is that a thing? I mean, I’ve been buying it for years and this is the first time it has tasted funny. Bad beans? I don’t know.

We have to do some shopping this week. I may have to buy a flavored coffee and brew a pot just to be sure it isn’t the pot itself.

In the meantime, I need coffee and it is the only stuff in the house. So I suppose I will be stuck with it for another day or so ..

Sleepless Snuggles

Remember that children’s song where they sing, “There we’re 10 in the bed and the little one said, ‘Roll over! Roll over!”? I wanted to sing that so bad last night. Except that there were 4 in the bed (5 if you count the cat.)!

Andrew is teething, so he is extra fussy. Sam and I were both already exhausted because I worked the night before and she was up with the kids.

Andrew was crying and upset, so Sam laid him next to her and snuggled him. I fell asleep and Sam was up with him off and on. I guess I woke up about 2am, which is par for the course on my nights off.

Sam finally got AJ to settle and I was up reading on my tablet. I was shutting it off when I heard Ella from the baby monitor. She is crying. I waited a second, because many times, she just can’t find her pacifier. That was the issue, but she had all over her blankets in such a way that she wouldn’t be able to find them.

I walked into the room forgetting that I left the baby monitor in our room on. So Sam and the baby hear me trying to calm Ella, who is now really crying. I wound up bringing her into our bed, and everyone was up!

So now we have me, Sam, AJ, and Ella (and the dumb cat) in our bed. Sam and AJ finally go back to sleep, but Ella isn’t about to. So snuggled next to her and her blanket. I can feel myself fighting to stay awake, and every time I look at her, she was wide awake.

Needless to say, I was up all night and almost all day. I was looking forward to their nap time. Well when Ella finally went down for her nap, I fought AJ to take his. Eventually, he fell asleep …just before Ella woke up.

How I am even awake right now….I’m not even sure. I am hopeful to get some rest…

Goodnight!